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                                      COLD OPEN

               FADE IN:

               INT. OFFICE - DAY - D1

               PAM enters. Pulls off her coat and scarf as she sits down.
               Picks up the phone and starts checking messages.

               ANGLE ON: A CAT walks across Pam's desk. She looks up at the
               cat. Looks to her right and sees a GOAT eating paper.

               Pam looks at the camera.

               PAM TALKING HEAD

                                 PAM
                      I had a terrible appointment this
                      morning and forgot that it was pet
                      day. So, yeah, things probably aren't
                      going to get any better.

               A SHEEP's BLEAT is heard off screen.



                                  END OF COLD OPEN
                                       ACT ONE

               FADE IN:

               INT. OFFICE - DAY 1

               KELLY leans over to pet a cat. It HISSES at her and attacks
               her hair.

                                 MICHAEL (V.O.)
                      Bring your pet to work day. I don't
                      know where I come up with these ideas. 

               ANGLE ON: Phyllis walks past Pam's desk with a parakeet in a
               cage.

               KEVIN enters with a SMALL POODLE.

               MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

               Michael holds up a copy of Small Business Monthly.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Small Business Monthly. "Best
                      Companies to Work For." Number three,
                      Initech, allows their employees to
                      bring dogs into the office. If dogs
                      make you number three, then all pets
                      should make you even better.

               ANGLE ON: Andy entering with a fish bowl. Trips and spills it
               on the floor. Frantically starts trying to get the fish back
               in the bowl.

                                 MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                      Now, I don't have a pet -- my condo
                      won't allow it -- so I decided to do
                      something a little "out of the box" --
                      which is how the number two and number
                      six companies think -- and I went to
                      the petting zoo and rented this little
                      guy for the day. 

               ANGLE ON: Goat starts chomping at mini blinds.

                                 MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                      They didn't have a lion, which is what
                      I wanted. But, he'll do. Of course, I
                      had to pay for a handler to come and
                      spend the day here. 

               REVEAL: A TRAINER in colorful costume pulls at goat. Stands
               behind Michael.

                                 TRAINER
                      Is that computer just for you?

                                 MICHAEL
                      All mine.

                                 TRAINER
                      That's so cool.

               INT. OFFICE - D1

               MEREDITH walks in with a hamster cage.

                                 PAM
                      Hi, Meredith. How cute. You brought in
                      your kid's hamster for pet day?

                                 MEREDITH
                      What's pet day?

                                 PAM
                      Today's pet day.
                          (as to a child)
                      That's why you brought in your
                      hamster.

                                 MEREDITH
                      No. My kids brought it home from
                      school and it's either fess up to the
                      crime or get rid of it. I thought
                      somebody might want to buy it.

               CREED peers into the cage.

                                 CREED
                      Not meaty enough.

               INT. OFFICE - ACCOUNTING AREA - D1

               Kevin sits down with his poodle on his lap. OSCAR gets
               excited.

                                 OSCAR
                      Oh my God. Where on earth did you get
                      an albino Burmese poodle?

                                 KEVIN
                      Please don't make eye contact. Lacey
                      gets agitated if she feels like she's
                      being threatened. 

               Oscar laughs.

                                 KEVIN (CONT'D)
                      No gums.

                                 OSCAR
                      I've heard these little guys can be
                      feisty.

                                 KEVIN
                      She's very moody. I bought her after
                      my girlfriend left me. I have to clean
                      up her poo, but otherwise, it's about
                      the same.

               INT. OFFICE - FRONT DESK - D1

               JIM enters and leans over Pam's desk.

                                 JIM
                      Hey.

               Pam doesn't respond. Focused on her work. Jim waves a hand in
               front of her face.

                                 JIM (CONT'D)
                      Um, hey?

                                 PAM
                      Oh, hi.

                                 JIM
                      Hi there. You took off early today.

                                 PAM
                      I'm sorry. I had a dentist
                      appointment. Forgot to tell you.

                                 JIM
                      Let's see 'em.

                                 PAM
                          (distracted)
                      See what?

                                 JIM
                      The teeth.

                                 PAM
                      Oh. Right.

               Pam SMILES awkwardly.

                                 JIM
                      Got to get on your game today,
                      Beasley. 

               INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1

               RYAN is on the SPEAKERPHONE.

                                 RYAN (O.S.)
                      Michael. I haven't seen those
                      evaluation forms. You know they're due
                      today.

               Michael stuffs a ball under his jacket and pretends to have a
               hump.

                                 MICHAEL
                          (slurping)
                      Yes, master. I do your bidding. Thy
                      will be done. 

                                 RYAN (O.S.)
                      Michael. Are you pretending to be
                      Quasimodo or a Civil War era slave?

                                 MICHAEL
                      Um. Quasimodo.

                                 RYAN (O.S.)
                      Stop it.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Would you prefer--

                                 RYAN (O.S.)
                      No. I need those forms.

                                 MICHAEL
                      I'm just going over some final details
                      with Toby.

                                 RYAN (O.S.)
                      Toby said he helped you fill out all
                      the forms two weeks ago.

               Michael rolls his eyes.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Well, I want to review them one more
                      time. 

               Michael gives a dirty look out his window. 

               ANGLE ON: TOBY talking with Jim.

               TOBY TALKING HEAD

                                 TOBY
                      Yeah. It was really warm in Costa
                      Rica. Plus, I ran out of money.

               INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1

                                 MICHAEL
                      I'm not sure I understand why you need
                      me to give a letter grade to every
                      employee in the branch, anyway.

                                 RYAN (O.S.)
                      I told you, we need to identify who
                      the weakest performers are. This is to
                      help them. We need the weak links to
                      start stepping up.

               RYAN TALKING HEAD

               RYAN wears an African Flag doo rag on his head, and a black
               tunic.

                                 RYAN
                      Going to prison was the best thing for
                      me. You really get to learn from some
                      of the greatest business minds there
                      are. This grading technique is
                      something Martha Stewart adapted from
                      a Japanese war manual. You find the
                      weakest link and crush it. 

               He SNAPS a pencil in his hand. Laughs it off.

                                 RYAN (CONT'D)
                      I already know that Michael is the
                      weakest link. But, I'm okay if he
                      picks Jim.

               INT. OFFICE - D1

               DWIGHT enters with a cage. Sits down.

               Jim looks in the cage. Shakes his head.

                                 DWIGHT
                      What?

                                 JIM
                      I'm a little disappointed. I was
                      expecting great things from you today
                      and you show up with a pet squirrel.

                                 DWIGHT
                      I'll have you know this is South
                      African sniper ferret. It's a natural
                      born killer and would probably bite
                      the head off of any squirrel that got
                      in its way.

                                 JIM
                          (mocking)
                      Really.

                                 DWIGHT
                      And, I'm teaching him kung-fu.

               Jim mouths "thank you" to the sky.

                                 JIM
                          (to ferret)
                      Hey there, fella. Does Uncle Dwight
                      make you dress like a ninja?

                                 DWIGHT
                      Ninjas aren't real. And it doesn't
                      matter. He's been trained to answer
                      only to me.

               DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

                                 DWIGHT
                      Of course there are ninjas. I can't
                      let Jim know that, though.

               Dwight looks around suspiciously.

                                 DWIGHT (CONT'D)
                          (whispering)
                      I have been developing an advanced
                      weapons system for my ferret to use.
                      Once he's fully trained, I'm hoping to
                      get a contract with the government to
                      carry out assassination missions.
                      Nobody would ever suspect a ferret.

               Dwight holds up the ferret sporting He-Man gear. Smirks.

               INT. KITCHEN - D1

               Andy refills his fish bowl. His fish is in a small plastic
               water cup on the counter.

                                 ANDY
                      This is Poindexter. I picked him up
                      this morning. He was only eight cents.
                      The bowl and rocks and stuff cost
                      about thirty dollars, but he's my new
                      best friend, so I want to take care of
                      him.

               Andy notices the fish isn't moving in the plastic cup.

                                 ANDY (CONT'D)
                      Hmm. That doesn't look good.

               He taps the cup a few times.

               INT. OFFICE - JIM & DWIGHT'S DESKS - D1

               Dwight feeds his ferret from a baby bottle.

                                 JIM
                      Hey, Dwight. Do you think I can use
                      some of your milk to feed my pet?

                                 DWIGHT
                      No! 

                                 JIM
                      Just a sip.

                                 DWIGHT
                      This is not milk. It's a mix of
                      protein and natural beet extract, with
                      a little coconut milk for texture.

                                 JIM
                      My guy's just a little thirsty, that's
                      all.

               Jim pulls out a PET ROCK. It is painted like Dwight. He sets
               it on the desk.

                                 DWIGHT
                      That is not a pet. That is a rock.

                                 JIM
                      Quiet. You'll hurt his feelings.

                                 DWIGHT
                      It's a rock. It doesn't have feelings.

                                 JIM
                      I named it Dwight after my favorite
                      beet farmer.

                                 DWIGHT
                      I am flattered, but that is still a
                      rock.

                                 JIM
                      Suit yourself.
                          (to rock)
                      I don't know why he won't acknowledge
                      you. Maybe there's some shady history
                      you're just too young to understand.

                                 DWIGHT
                      There's no shady history! I had
                      nothing to do with that rock. You
                      painted the face. It's your rock!

               INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1

               ANGLE ON: Creed opens the window by his desk.

               A PIGEON flies in and alights on his arm. He gives it some
               feed. Pulls a five dollar bill from a holder tied to the
               bird's leg.

               CREED TALKING HEAD

                                 CREED
                      I put a note asking for five dollars
                      for some food. Works like a charm. The
                      trick is to not get too greedy. People
                      will not give ten dollars to a bird.

               INT. OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - D1

               The animal trainer gets a cup of coffee. Jim is buying Pam a
               soda.

                                 TRAINER
                      Is this coffee free?

                                 JIM
                      Yup. Help yourself.

                                 TRAINER
                      Awesome!

               He drinks half the cup. Refills and walks out.

                                 JIM
                      I wish I could be that excited about
                      being here.

                                 PAM
                      Maybe you should get a goat.

                                 JIM
                      Nah. You'll do.

               Jim smiles. Pam doesn't laugh.

                                 JIM (CONT'D)
                      Hey. I'm just kidding.

                                 PAM
                      No. Now you're in trouble.

                                 JIM
                      Well, since I'm already in trouble. Do
                      I really need to go to the art show
                      thing on Sunday?

                                 PAM
                      Really? Come on. It's for my teacher.
                      I'm trying to show her some support.

                                 JIM
                      You can't stand her.

                                 PAM
                      She knows a lot of people. Maybe I can
                      get into a few more shows through her.

                                 JIM
                      It's just, I was going to do my
                      fantasy football draft on Sunday.

                                 PAM
                      You know what? Fine. Just let me know
                      when you will and won't be there for
                      me. I'll try to plan ahead.

               She storms out.

               Jim looks to the camera.

               INT. OFFICE - ANNEX - D1

               The goat trainer hits on Kelly.

                                 TRAINER
                      So, you sit back here and answer the
                      phone all day?

                                 KELLY
                      All day. Well, not like all day.
                      Sometimes I make coffee. And I shop
                      online a lot. 

                                 TRAINER
                      It's just so clean in here. And it
                      smells nice.

                                 KELLY
                      Thanks.

               She smiles seductively. 

                                 KELLY (CONT'D)
                      So, tell me more about the wild
                      animals you have to tame.

                                 TRAINER
                      Have you ever seen a rabid sheep?

               INT. OFFICE - FRONT DESK - CONTINUOUS - D1

               Michael waves at Pam.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Pam, get in here. I need you to take
                      some notes for me.

               Pam sighs. Grabs her notepad and walks over.

               INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1

               Michael feeds the goat his stapler.

                                 MICHAEL
                          (giggling)
                      This thing will eat anything.

               The goat turns away from the stapler.

                                 MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                      Okay. Doesn't like the stapler. But
                      you like paper, don't you. Yeah,
                      here's some more paper.

               Michael grabs papers from his desk without paying attention.

                                 PAM
                      Aren't those our evaluation forms?

                                 MICHAEL
                      Pam, don't be silly. I wouldn't feed
                      the goat your evaluation forms.

               Michael checks the paper going to the goat.

                                 MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                      These are... the rough drafts of your
                      evaluations.

               He starts pulling pieces of paper away from the goat.

                                 PAM
                      Do you need some tape?

                                 MICHAEL
                      I need you to take this away.

               He shoves the goat towards her.

                                 PAM
                      What about taking notes?

                                 MICHAEL
                      I have a very important call. 

               Michael picks up his phone. Holds it BACKWARDS against his
               ear.

               INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1

               Pam walks out with the goat.

                                 PAM
                          (to goat)
                      How fast can you type?

               ANGELA sees Pam with the goat. Rolls her eyes.

               ANGELA TALKING HEAD

                                 ANGELA
                      I would never bring my kittens to a
                      place with such moral depravity as
                      this. Every day, before I leave for
                      work, I tape a passage of scripture by
                      their water bowl. I know they'll get
                      into heaven.

               INT. OFFICE - JIM & DWIGHT'S DESKS - D1

               Dwight stares at Jim's pet rock. 

               The rock stares back.

               INT. OFFICE - ANNEX - D1

               Michael walks back to Toby's desk.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Toby. Hi. 

                                 TOBY
                      Hi, Michael.

                                 MICHAEL
                      No pet today?

                                 TOBY
                      You said I couldn't participate in
                      office events because I was a part of
                      corporate. 

               Michael looks at the camera awkwardly.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Me? Phsaw. No way. What kind of pet do
                      you have?

                                 TOBY
                      Well, my wife got the cat in the
                      divorce. I got the dog. He ran away
                      though.

                                 MICHAEL
                          (aside)
                      Can't say that I blame him.

                                 TOBY
                      I've been a little lonely.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Man. You are... depressing.

                                 TOBY
                      Why are you here, Michael? Did you
                      send the evaluation forms to Ryan yet?

                                 MICHAEL
                      Yeah! Of course I did. On their way. I
                      just wanted to see if you...

                                 TOBY
                      You want me to help you, Michael?

                                 MICHAEL
                      No. No way. Have a good time playing
                      with yourself.

               INT. OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - D1

               Oscar and Kevin get coffee.

                                 OSCAR
                      So, you take her to shows.

                                 KEVIN
                      We've placed well in several local
                      contests. I think she has the talent
                      to go all the way.

               Andy enters with a NEW FISH in a plastic bag.

                                 ANDY
                          (re: dog)
                      She's a real beaut.

                                 KEVIN
                      Thanks.

               Andy pets Kevin's dog. Caresses it in a creepy way.

                                 ANDY
                      Such a lovely creature. I had a dog,
                      but we had to put her to sleep because
                      of an allergy.

                                 OSCAR
                      You put a dog to sleep because of
                      allergies?

                                 ANDY
                      Well, he also had rabies.

               He looks out the window.

               ANGLE ON: Angela sees Andy with the fish. Sneers.

                                 ANDY (CONT'D)
                      So sad.

               Andy leaves crying.

                                 OSCAR
                      So. Are you thinking maybe Westminster
                      one of these days?

                                 KEVIN
                      That's our goal.

                                 OSCAR
                      I'd love to go with you.

               Awkward silence as Kevin stares at Oscar.

                                 OSCAR (CONT'D)
                      You know. If you ever make it.

                                 KEVIN
                      We'll make it. We don't play to lose.

               KEVIN TALKING HEAD

                                 KEVIN
                      Oscar and I are getting along really
                      well right now.
                          (beat)
                      I think I might be gay.

               INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1

               Michael calls Ryan on the speaker phone. Pam takes notes.

                                 RYAN (O.S.)
                      This is Ryan.

                                 MICHAEL
                      My main man. How's it going?

                                 RYAN (V.O.)
                      Good, Michael. What do you want?

                                 MICHAEL
                      Just wanted to rap. Run some things by
                      you. Get a vibe off of the top dog.

                                 RYAN (V.O.)
                      I'm very busy. Why haven't you sent me
                      the evaluation forms yet?

                                 MICHAEL
                      I'm working on it.

                                 RYAN (O.S.)
                      Michael. You know that everybody's
                      raises depend on those forms. If you
                      don't turn them in, then the Scranton
                      office will not get raises this year.

               Pam looks up.

                                 PAM
                      Is that true?

                                 RYAN (V.O.)
                      Who is that?

                                 MICHAEL
                      Nobody. It's just Pam.

               Pam looks dejected. 

                                 RYAN (O.S.)
                      Good. Pam, let everybody know their
                      raises depend on Michael getting me
                      these evaluation forms.

                                 MICHAEL
                      You don't need to tell them that.
                      Look, Ry-dog. I was just curious if
                      the situation would be different if
                      something out of the ordinary
                      happened.

                                 RYAN (O.S.)
                      Define out of the ordinary.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Oh, I don't know. What if a goat ate
                      the forms?

                                 RYAN (O.S.) 
                      Why would a goat eat the forms?

                                 MICHAEL
                      No reason. They were just out.

                                 RYAN (O.S.)
                      You have a goat in the office?

                                 MICHAEL
                      No! No goat. Maybe a dog ate them?

                                 RYAN (O.S.)
                      Are you telling me the dog ate your
                      homework? Michael. There are no pets
                      allowed in the office.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Ha! I'm just fooling with you. I, uh,
                      there's no dog.

               ANGLE ON: DARRELL enters with a pit bull. 

                                 DARRELL
                      Meet Misty, everybody!

               Misty starts BARKING at Dwight's ferret cage.

               Dwight holds the cage up in a kung-fu pose.

               BACK TO: Michael quickly hangs up the phone. Looks worried.

               The phone RINGS. 

               Michael stares at it. Looks to Pam.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Don't answer that.



                                   END OF ACT ONE
                                       ACT TWO

               INT. OFFICE - BATHROOM - D1

               Dwight stands in the stall. Looks to his right and sees Jim's
               pet rock watching him.

               INT. OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - D1

               Getting coffee. Dwight sees Jim's pet rock staring from
               behind a napkin rack.

               INT. OFFICE - WAREHOUSE - D1

               Dwight spies the pet rock amongst a pile of empty boxes.

               JIM TALKING HEAD

                                 JIM
                      It's not easy to give them all the
                      same face. I spent four hours last
                      night painting rocks. Maybe that's why
                      Pam is mad at me.

               INT. OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - D1

               Michael approaches Jim.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Jimbo.

                                 JIM
                      What did we say about nicknames?

                                 MICHAEL
                      Right. Not cool. You're right. I'm
                      sorry.

                                 JIM
                      I'm kind of in the middle of this
                      sandwich Michael.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Why aren't you eating with Pam?

                                 JIM
                      She said she was busy.

               ANGLE ON: Pam pushing away the goat as she sits at the
               reception desk.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Oh, I see. Look, I need you to grade
                      all of the employees in the branch.

                                 JIM
                      I think you need to be a little more
                      specific.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Ryan has asked me to assign a letter
                      grade to every employee in the
                      Scranton branch. It's some corporate
                      thing. You know how it is.

               Phyllis enters.

                                 JIM
                      Phyllis, today you get an A.

                                 PHYLLIS
                      Thanks, Jim.

                                 JIM
                      Think nothing of it. Michael has asked
                      me to grade everybody. I'm giving him
                      a B because of that tie.

               Michael looks down at his tie.

                                 MICHAEL
                      You can't give me a B. I'm the boss.
                      I'm an A. Always.

                                 PHYLLIS
                      Are these the money grades?

                                 MICHAEL
                      No. No money. Who told you that?

                                 PHYLLIS
                      Pam did.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Well, then, an F for Pam.

                                 JIM
                      Not if I'm giving the grades.

                                 MICHAEL
                      You have to be serious. Okay, it's
                      true. These grades will be used to
                      help determine raises in the next
                      fiscal year.

                                 JIM
                      Ryan asked you to assign the grades. I
                      don't see how this is something I
                      should do.

                                 MICHAEL
                      I already did it once with Toby.

                                 JIM
                      Yet another person who isn't me.

                                 MICHAEL
                      I can't go back to Toby. He'll lord it
                      over me in that smug way of his. I'm
                      assigning this task to you.

                                 JIM
                      You should have Dwight do this. He
                      loves this sort of thing.

                                 MICHAEL
                      You're my number two. Just remember,
                      everybody's raises depend on your
                      judgement.

               Michael walks away.

                                 MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                      Phyllis. Please try to keep this a
                      secret.

               INT. OFFICE - D1

               Andy taps his fish bowl. Dead again.

               Meredith looks around to see if anybody is watching. She
               takes the hamster out of its cage and places it in front of
               the cat.

               Jim enters.

               Everybody crowds around him.

                                 KELLY
                      Jim, you look so handsome today.

                                 OSCAR
                      That's a really sharp tie.

               Creed pulls at his tie and unbuttons his top button to look
               more like Jim.

                                 CREED
                      Yeah. That's a good look, buddy.

               STANLEY hands him a Diet Coke.

                                 STANLEY
                      I bought a Diet Coke instead of a
                      regular. I'd like you to have it.

               Dwight looks suspicious.

                                 DWIGHT
                      What is going on? Why are you all
                      being so nice to Jim?

                                 PHYLLIS
                      We like Jim.

                                 DWIGHT
                      Nobody likes anybody else here that
                      much and you all know it. Something's
                      up.

                                 PHYLLIS
                      Michael put Jim in charge of giving
                      grades to the rest of the branch, and
                      those grades will determine our raises
                      this year.

                                 DWIGHT
                      Michael would never put you in charge
                      of something so important. Besides, he
                      already asked me to do that. I flunked
                      everybody.

                                 JIM
                      Guess he wanted a second opinion.

                                 DWIGHT
                      I knew I shouldn't have gone to the
                      dojo for lunch.

               Dwight rushes over to Michael's office.

               INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1

               Dwight enters. Michael has a picture of a lion open on his
               computer.

                                 DWIGHT
                      Michael. I demand to know why you have
                      put Jim in charge of evaluating the
                      personnel here.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Jim is my number two. I gave him the
                      assignment.

                                 DWIGHT
                      I already keep a detailed file on all
                      employee misconduct. What was wrong
                      with my grades?

                                 MICHAEL
                      You wanted me to fire everybody!

                                 DWIGHT
                      Yes. So we can run this thing the
                      right way. You and me. We'll barricade
                      the doors and keep corporate out. We
                      can keep Pam and Angela around to
                      repopulate the office.

               Michael briefly considers this.

                                 MICHAEL
                      No. That's too complicated. And weird.
                      Jim will get this done.

                                 DWIGHT
                      I don't agree with this decision.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Well. No one asked you, and besides, I
                      make very good decisions.

               ANGLE ON: Creed's Pigeon DIVE BOMBS Kelly coming out of the
               bathroom.

               INT. OFFICE - ACCOUNTING - D1

               Kevin and Oscar punch numbers into their computers.

                                 OSCAR
                      Hey, can I borrow your stapler?

                                 KEVIN
                      Sure.

               Kevin hands his stapler over and his and Oscar's hands touch
               for a moment.

               Oscar takes the stapler and goes about his business. Kevin
               lets his hand linger in the air for a moment and keeps gazing
               at Oscar.

               OSCAR TALKING HEAD

                                 OSCAR
                      Yes, I have noticed it. I keep hoping
                      that Kevin is just hungry and my head
                      reminds him of a jelly donut.

               INT. OFFICE - FRONT DESK - D1

               Jim and Pam talk. 

                                 JIM
                      This must be what it's like to be
                      famous.

                                 PAM
                      You're having a good day now, Halpert.

                                 JIM
                      I'm not sure how I'm going to do this.
                      All I know is that you're getting an
                      A. Maybe I can give Dwight an E just
                      to piss him off.

                                 PAM
                      I don't care how you grade everybody
                      else, as long as you get an A.

                                 JIM
                      I don't know if I can do that. Won't
                      everybody hate me if I give myself a
                      good grade?

                                 PAM
                      Who cares. You need to start thinking
                      about the future.

                                 JIM
                      Sure thing. I'll have the best grades
                      at Dunder-Mifflin Middle School.

                                 PAM
                      I'm serious. This is a chance for you
                      to give yourself a little security.
                      Give us a little security.

                                 JIM
                      What did that dentist do to make you
                      so serious today?

                                 PAM
                      I just think it might be time for you
                      to grow up.

               INT. OFFICE - ANNEX - D1

               The goat walks by Toby's desk. Nuzzles him.

                                 TOBY
                      Pam?
                          (sees the goat)
                      Oh.

               The trainer hands him the goat's leash.

                                 TRAINER
                      Hey, I'm going to take Kelly out to
                      lunch. Do you think you can watch Suzy
                      for me while I'm gone.

                                 TOBY
                      Sure.

                                 TRAINER
                      You're the bomb, dude.

                                 TOBY
                          (to goat)
                      Hi, Suzy. My name's Toby.

               INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1

               Jim enters and hands Michael a piece of paper.

                                 MICHAEL
                      You gave everybody A's.

                                 JIM
                      What can I say? This office rules. It
                      all starts at the top.

                                 MICHAEL
                      That's a great idea.

               He dials his speakerphone.

                                 RYAN'S ASSISTANT (O.S.)
                      Ryan Howard's office.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Michael Scott for Ryan.

                                 RYAN'S ASSISTANT (O.S.)
                      I'm not supposed to put you through
                      unless you have grades.

               Michael makes a face.

                                 MICHAEL
                      I have grades.

                                 RYAN'S ASSISTANT (O.S.)
                      Okay.

                                 RYAN (O.S.)
                      This is Ryan.

                                 MICHAEL
                      All A's.

                                 RYAN (O.S.)
                      That's not possible.

                                 MICHAEL
                      What can I say? It's great management.

               Michael winks at Jim. 

               Jim gives him a thumbs up.

                                 RYAN (O.S.)
                      No, Michael. That is terrible
                      management. Look, this shouldn't be so
                      hard.

                                 MICHAEL
                      That's what she said.

               He puts up a high five to Jim.

               Jim shakes his head "no."

                                 RYAN (O.S.)
                      You need to grade your employees on a
                      curve. Determine who the top
                      performers are, who is average and who
                      we need to put some pressure on to
                      perform.

               He hangs up.

               Michael throws his hands up. Walks out of his office.

               INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1

               Michael rounds up the troops.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Conference room, everybody. We're
                      going to figure out everybody's
                      grades.

               Everybody begrudgingly gets up and moves to the conference
               room.

               INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - D1

               Everybody sits down, animals in tow. Dogs bark. Birds chirp.

                                 MICHAEL
                      No. Pets outside.

                                 PHYLLIS
                      We can't just leave our pets alone.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Pam will watch them.

                                 PAM
                      What about my grade?

                                 MICHAEL
                      You get an A.

                                 STANLEY
                      Why does she get an A?

                                 MICHAEL
                      Pam is my rock. She helps me out every
                      day and this place couldn't run
                      without her.

               Pam is taken aback.

                                 PAM
                      Thanks, Michael.

                                 MICHAEL
                      You're welcome. Make sure nobody poops
                      in my office.

               And the moment is over.

                                 MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                      Okay, we need to assign letter grades
                      to everybody in the office.

               Dwight stands.

                                 DWIGHT
                      We'll start with the weakest people
                      first. Meredith, why should I give you
                      more than a D?

               The camera looks for Meredith. She's not in the room.

               ANGLE ON: Meredith coming out of the kitchen putting a FLASK
               into her purse. She looks around the empty office, sees the
               animals and Pam. Shrugs and sits at her desk.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Nobody's getting a D. We have to grade
                      on a curve, so that just means more As
                      a few Bs and one or two Cs.

                                 STANLEY
                      That's not a curve. That's a slope.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Really, Stanley? What do you know
                      about it.

                                 STANLEY
                      I was a middle school math teacher
                      before I started selling paper.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Really?

               Stanley sighs.

                                 STANLEY
                      Somebody else explain it to him.

               Andy goes up to the whiteboard.

                                 ANDY
                      I'm just going to take a stab at it.
                      They did teach us a few things at
                      Cornell.

               He draws a curve on the board.

                                 ANDY (CONT'D)
                      The basic principal is that most
                      people are average. So, you'll have a
                      few A's and B's, mostly C's and a few
                      D's and F's.

               He continues making notes on the diagram.

                                 ANDY (CONT'D)
                      Of course, you can also adapt it by
                      making the highest mark anybody scores
                      equal 100, and then adjust from there.
                      Bumping all lower grades up slightly.

               Michael shakes his head.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Why are you wasting my time? Show of
                      hands, who wants to be in the 'C'
                      group?

               Nobody raises their hands.

                                 MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                      Come on, people. You can see the
                      chart. Most of you are just average.

                                 DWIGHT
                      They wish.

                                 MICHAEL
                      There has to be a fair way to do this.

                                 DWIGHT
                      We could base it on sales.

                                 KELLY
                      That's totally not fair to those of us
                      who don't make sales.

                                 PHYLLIS
                      Well, you aren't contributing as much
                      to the income of the office.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Phyllis, your sales aren't that good,
                      anyway.

                                 ANGELA
                      Why don't we award morality and base
                      it on who gets caught the least
                      stealing from the refrigerator.

               She gives Kevin a dirty look.

                                 MICHAEL
                      What if we did a random draw?

                                 STANLEY
                      I always figured my raises were random
                      anyway.

                                 KELLY
                      What if, like, we totally played a
                      game like Scattergories? That way,
                      there would be some skill involved.

                                 KEVIN
                      I vote for poker.

                                 OSCAR
                      This is silly. Why don't we just base
                      it off of our employee reviews? Isn't
                      there a scoring system in place there
                      already?

                                 MICHAEL
                      That's no good. I threw out all of the
                      records when I was making room for the
                      new couch in my office.

                                 OSCAR
                      You what!

                                 PHYLLIS
                      Michael. Those are our permanent
                      records. We need those for the future.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Don't be so dramatic. Nobody here has
                      a future.

               Nobody argues his point.

               INT. OFFICE - D1

               The pit bull and the poodle start fighting with each other.

                                 PAM
                      Oh my God!

               ANGLE ON: Darrell argues with the animal trainer.

               ANGLE ON: Kelly smiles.

               Pam tries to stop the dogs from fighting.

               Dwight charges in.

                                 DWIGHT
                      Stay out of this, Pam. Let a
                      professional handle it.

               He opens his ferret cage.

               The ferret darts away from the two fighting dogs, knocking
               over the parakeet cage and setting the bird free.

               The parakeet and pigeon fly around.

               The cat screeches.

               The goat starts kicking at desks.

               Mayhem in the office as everybody scrambles to contain their
               pets.

               The ferret attacks Pam and latches onto her shirt.

                                 PAM
                      Get it off! Get it off me!

               ANGLE ON: Jim bolts over to help her.

                                 DWIGHT
                      Jim, be careful! He's a trained
                      killer!

               Jim reaches Pam. Pulls the rodent away from her stuffs it in
               a trash can and flips it over on top of Dwight's desk.

                                 JIM
                      It's okay. I'm here. Did he bite you?

                                 PAM
                      It bit my leg. I'm okay, though.

                                 JIM
                      Come here.

               Jim holds her. She grabs on to him.

               Dwight looks into trash can.

                                 DWIGHT
                      We need to get you more training.

               PAM TALKING HEAD

                                 PAM
                      It's great to be one of the only
                      people in the world who has to get a
                      tetanus shot after pet day at the
                      office. Jim was my shining hero today,
                      though. He's a pretty good guy to have
                      around. I am very lucky.

               She smiles.

               INT. OFFICE - D1

               Darrell comes over to Kevin and Oscar. They look down.

                                 KEVIN
                      I guess they weren't really fighting.

               The sounds of doggy love can be heard.

                                 DARRELL
                      Yeah, he's a horny bastard.

                                 OSCAR
                      Why aren't you stopping this?

                                 KEVIN
                      I don't know. It's pretty funny.

                                 OSCAR
                      Those two dogs together. It's
                      disgusting. It's unnatural.

               Oscar walks away.

               Kevin looks hurt. 

               Darrell stands next to him.

                                 DARRELL
                      That's a cute poodle, man.

               Kevin is happy again.

                                 KEVIN
                      Thanks.

               INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - D1

               Toby walks up to a dejected Michael.

                                 TOBY
                      Michael. I keep extra copies of
                      everybody's reviews.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Of course, you would wait to tell me
                      now.

                                 TOBY
                      You never asked me.

                                 MICHAEL
                      You know, Toby. I shouldn't have to.
                      Never mind. What scores do people get?

                                 TOBY
                      We keep everybody at a C or above, and
                      put upper management at the bottom.

                                 MICHAEL
                      You mean I get an F?

                                 TOBY
                      We both do.

                                 MICHAEL
                      But, is yours lower?

                                 TOBY
                      Sure.

                                 MICHAEL
                      Okay, then.

               INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1

                                 MICHAEL
                      You know, the whole idea was to find
                      out who the weakest link is. Of
                      course, as management, I'll always put
                      myself below my employees.

               INT. OFFICE - BATHROOM - D1

               Andy flushes the toilet and salutes his latest loss.

                                 MICHAEL (V.O.)
                      Of course, Toby gets the lowest grade.
                      An F-minus-minus. I added the extra
                      minus just to make sure Ryan knows
                      he's the worst.

               INT. OFFICE - ANNEX - D1

               Toby and the goat stare at each other. He looks around for
               the trainer, who is apparently gone.

                                 TOBY
                      You want to go home with Toby?

               The goat nuzzles Toby's hand.

                                 TOBY (CONT'D)
                      Come along, then.

               They walk out together.

               MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

                                 MICHAEL
                      But you know what, the weakest link
                      needs to step up. 
                          (beat)
                      And Toby really stepped it up today.

               EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT 1

               Jim and Pam stand beside his car.

                                 PAM
                      I'm really sorry I was so mean today.

                                 JIM
                      It's a good thing I convinced Dwight
                      to bring his rabid ferret into work.

               Pam play slaps Jim.

                                 JIM (CONT'D)
                      Hey. I'm here for you. Always. You got
                      that, Beasley?

                                 PAM
                      Yeah. I got it.

               She reaches into her coat pocket and pulls out a NEW PET
               ROCK.

                                 PAM (CONT'D)
                      I painted one that looks like you.

                                 JIM
                      Is my nose really that big?

               She puts another rock painted to look like her next to his on
               her palm.

                                 PAM
                      This one is me.

                                 JIM
                      Those are some good looking rocks.

                                 PAM
                      You think so?

                                 JIM
                      Of course.

               He smiles and leans in to kiss her.

               She pulls away and pulls a smaller rock from her pocket. This
               one is painted like a baby.

               She places it with the other two rocks on her hand. 

               Jim looks from the rocks to Pam and back to the rocks.



                                     END OF SHOW

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