COLD OPEN FADE IN: INT. OFFICE - DAY - D1 PAM enters. Pulls off her coat and scarf as she sits down. Picks up the phone and starts checking messages. ANGLE ON: A CAT walks across Pam's desk. She looks up at the cat. Looks to her right and sees a GOAT eating paper. Pam looks at the camera. PAM TALKING HEAD PAM I had a terrible appointment this morning and forgot that it was pet day. So, yeah, things probably aren't going to get any better. A SHEEP's BLEAT is heard off screen. END OF COLD OPEN ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. OFFICE - DAY 1 KELLY leans over to pet a cat. It HISSES at her and attacks her hair. MICHAEL (V.O.) Bring your pet to work day. I don't know where I come up with these ideas. ANGLE ON: Phyllis walks past Pam's desk with a parakeet in a cage. KEVIN enters with a SMALL POODLE. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD Michael holds up a copy of Small Business Monthly. MICHAEL Small Business Monthly. "Best Companies to Work For." Number three, Initech, allows their employees to bring dogs into the office. If dogs make you number three, then all pets should make you even better. ANGLE ON: Andy entering with a fish bowl. Trips and spills it on the floor. Frantically starts trying to get the fish back in the bowl. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Now, I don't have a pet -- my condo won't allow it -- so I decided to do something a little "out of the box" -- which is how the number two and number six companies think -- and I went to the petting zoo and rented this little guy for the day. ANGLE ON: Goat starts chomping at mini blinds. MICHAEL (CONT'D) They didn't have a lion, which is what I wanted. But, he'll do. Of course, I had to pay for a handler to come and spend the day here. REVEAL: A TRAINER in colorful costume pulls at goat. Stands behind Michael. TRAINER Is that computer just for you? MICHAEL All mine. TRAINER That's so cool. INT. OFFICE - D1 MEREDITH walks in with a hamster cage. PAM Hi, Meredith. How cute. You brought in your kid's hamster for pet day? MEREDITH What's pet day? PAM Today's pet day. (as to a child) That's why you brought in your hamster. MEREDITH No. My kids brought it home from school and it's either fess up to the crime or get rid of it. I thought somebody might want to buy it. CREED peers into the cage. CREED Not meaty enough. INT. OFFICE - ACCOUNTING AREA - D1 Kevin sits down with his poodle on his lap. OSCAR gets excited. OSCAR Oh my God. Where on earth did you get an albino Burmese poodle? KEVIN Please don't make eye contact. Lacey gets agitated if she feels like she's being threatened. Oscar laughs. KEVIN (CONT'D) No gums. OSCAR I've heard these little guys can be feisty. KEVIN She's very moody. I bought her after my girlfriend left me. I have to clean up her poo, but otherwise, it's about the same. INT. OFFICE - FRONT DESK - D1 JIM enters and leans over Pam's desk. JIM Hey. Pam doesn't respond. Focused on her work. Jim waves a hand in front of her face. JIM (CONT'D) Um, hey? PAM Oh, hi. JIM Hi there. You took off early today. PAM I'm sorry. I had a dentist appointment. Forgot to tell you. JIM Let's see 'em. PAM (distracted) See what? JIM The teeth. PAM Oh. Right. Pam SMILES awkwardly. JIM Got to get on your game today, Beasley. INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1 RYAN is on the SPEAKERPHONE. RYAN (O.S.) Michael. I haven't seen those evaluation forms. You know they're due today. Michael stuffs a ball under his jacket and pretends to have a hump. MICHAEL (slurping) Yes, master. I do your bidding. Thy will be done. RYAN (O.S.) Michael. Are you pretending to be Quasimodo or a Civil War era slave? MICHAEL Um. Quasimodo. RYAN (O.S.) Stop it. MICHAEL Would you prefer-- RYAN (O.S.) No. I need those forms. MICHAEL I'm just going over some final details with Toby. RYAN (O.S.) Toby said he helped you fill out all the forms two weeks ago. Michael rolls his eyes. MICHAEL Well, I want to review them one more time. Michael gives a dirty look out his window. ANGLE ON: TOBY talking with Jim. TOBY TALKING HEAD TOBY Yeah. It was really warm in Costa Rica. Plus, I ran out of money. INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1 MICHAEL I'm not sure I understand why you need me to give a letter grade to every employee in the branch, anyway. RYAN (O.S.) I told you, we need to identify who the weakest performers are. This is to help them. We need the weak links to start stepping up. RYAN TALKING HEAD RYAN wears an African Flag doo rag on his head, and a black tunic. RYAN Going to prison was the best thing for me. You really get to learn from some of the greatest business minds there are. This grading technique is something Martha Stewart adapted from a Japanese war manual. You find the weakest link and crush it. He SNAPS a pencil in his hand. Laughs it off. RYAN (CONT'D) I already know that Michael is the weakest link. But, I'm okay if he picks Jim. INT. OFFICE - D1 DWIGHT enters with a cage. Sits down. Jim looks in the cage. Shakes his head. DWIGHT What? JIM I'm a little disappointed. I was expecting great things from you today and you show up with a pet squirrel. DWIGHT I'll have you know this is South African sniper ferret. It's a natural born killer and would probably bite the head off of any squirrel that got in its way. JIM (mocking) Really. DWIGHT And, I'm teaching him kung-fu. Jim mouths "thank you" to the sky. JIM (to ferret) Hey there, fella. Does Uncle Dwight make you dress like a ninja? DWIGHT Ninjas aren't real. And it doesn't matter. He's been trained to answer only to me. DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT Of course there are ninjas. I can't let Jim know that, though. Dwight looks around suspiciously. DWIGHT (CONT'D) (whispering) I have been developing an advanced weapons system for my ferret to use. Once he's fully trained, I'm hoping to get a contract with the government to carry out assassination missions. Nobody would ever suspect a ferret. Dwight holds up the ferret sporting He-Man gear. Smirks. INT. KITCHEN - D1 Andy refills his fish bowl. His fish is in a small plastic water cup on the counter. ANDY This is Poindexter. I picked him up this morning. He was only eight cents. The bowl and rocks and stuff cost about thirty dollars, but he's my new best friend, so I want to take care of him. Andy notices the fish isn't moving in the plastic cup. ANDY (CONT'D) Hmm. That doesn't look good. He taps the cup a few times. INT. OFFICE - JIM & DWIGHT'S DESKS - D1 Dwight feeds his ferret from a baby bottle. JIM Hey, Dwight. Do you think I can use some of your milk to feed my pet? DWIGHT No! JIM Just a sip. DWIGHT This is not milk. It's a mix of protein and natural beet extract, with a little coconut milk for texture. JIM My guy's just a little thirsty, that's all. Jim pulls out a PET ROCK. It is painted like Dwight. He sets it on the desk. DWIGHT That is not a pet. That is a rock. JIM Quiet. You'll hurt his feelings. DWIGHT It's a rock. It doesn't have feelings. JIM I named it Dwight after my favorite beet farmer. DWIGHT I am flattered, but that is still a rock. JIM Suit yourself. (to rock) I don't know why he won't acknowledge you. Maybe there's some shady history you're just too young to understand. DWIGHT There's no shady history! I had nothing to do with that rock. You painted the face. It's your rock! INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1 ANGLE ON: Creed opens the window by his desk. A PIGEON flies in and alights on his arm. He gives it some feed. Pulls a five dollar bill from a holder tied to the bird's leg. CREED TALKING HEAD CREED I put a note asking for five dollars for some food. Works like a charm. The trick is to not get too greedy. People will not give ten dollars to a bird. INT. OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - D1 The animal trainer gets a cup of coffee. Jim is buying Pam a soda. TRAINER Is this coffee free? JIM Yup. Help yourself. TRAINER Awesome! He drinks half the cup. Refills and walks out. JIM I wish I could be that excited about being here. PAM Maybe you should get a goat. JIM Nah. You'll do. Jim smiles. Pam doesn't laugh. JIM (CONT'D) Hey. I'm just kidding. PAM No. Now you're in trouble. JIM Well, since I'm already in trouble. Do I really need to go to the art show thing on Sunday? PAM Really? Come on. It's for my teacher. I'm trying to show her some support. JIM You can't stand her. PAM She knows a lot of people. Maybe I can get into a few more shows through her. JIM It's just, I was going to do my fantasy football draft on Sunday. PAM You know what? Fine. Just let me know when you will and won't be there for me. I'll try to plan ahead. She storms out. Jim looks to the camera. INT. OFFICE - ANNEX - D1 The goat trainer hits on Kelly. TRAINER So, you sit back here and answer the phone all day? KELLY All day. Well, not like all day. Sometimes I make coffee. And I shop online a lot. TRAINER It's just so clean in here. And it smells nice. KELLY Thanks. She smiles seductively. KELLY (CONT'D) So, tell me more about the wild animals you have to tame. TRAINER Have you ever seen a rabid sheep? INT. OFFICE - FRONT DESK - CONTINUOUS - D1 Michael waves at Pam. MICHAEL Pam, get in here. I need you to take some notes for me. Pam sighs. Grabs her notepad and walks over. INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1 Michael feeds the goat his stapler. MICHAEL (giggling) This thing will eat anything. The goat turns away from the stapler. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Okay. Doesn't like the stapler. But you like paper, don't you. Yeah, here's some more paper. Michael grabs papers from his desk without paying attention. PAM Aren't those our evaluation forms? MICHAEL Pam, don't be silly. I wouldn't feed the goat your evaluation forms. Michael checks the paper going to the goat. MICHAEL (CONT'D) These are... the rough drafts of your evaluations. He starts pulling pieces of paper away from the goat. PAM Do you need some tape? MICHAEL I need you to take this away. He shoves the goat towards her. PAM What about taking notes? MICHAEL I have a very important call. Michael picks up his phone. Holds it BACKWARDS against his ear. INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1 Pam walks out with the goat. PAM (to goat) How fast can you type? ANGELA sees Pam with the goat. Rolls her eyes. ANGELA TALKING HEAD ANGELA I would never bring my kittens to a place with such moral depravity as this. Every day, before I leave for work, I tape a passage of scripture by their water bowl. I know they'll get into heaven. INT. OFFICE - JIM & DWIGHT'S DESKS - D1 Dwight stares at Jim's pet rock. The rock stares back. INT. OFFICE - ANNEX - D1 Michael walks back to Toby's desk. MICHAEL Toby. Hi. TOBY Hi, Michael. MICHAEL No pet today? TOBY You said I couldn't participate in office events because I was a part of corporate. Michael looks at the camera awkwardly. MICHAEL Me? Phsaw. No way. What kind of pet do you have? TOBY Well, my wife got the cat in the divorce. I got the dog. He ran away though. MICHAEL (aside) Can't say that I blame him. TOBY I've been a little lonely. MICHAEL Man. You are... depressing. TOBY Why are you here, Michael? Did you send the evaluation forms to Ryan yet? MICHAEL Yeah! Of course I did. On their way. I just wanted to see if you... TOBY You want me to help you, Michael? MICHAEL No. No way. Have a good time playing with yourself. INT. OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - D1 Oscar and Kevin get coffee. OSCAR So, you take her to shows. KEVIN We've placed well in several local contests. I think she has the talent to go all the way. Andy enters with a NEW FISH in a plastic bag. ANDY (re: dog) She's a real beaut. KEVIN Thanks. Andy pets Kevin's dog. Caresses it in a creepy way. ANDY Such a lovely creature. I had a dog, but we had to put her to sleep because of an allergy. OSCAR You put a dog to sleep because of allergies? ANDY Well, he also had rabies. He looks out the window. ANGLE ON: Angela sees Andy with the fish. Sneers. ANDY (CONT'D) So sad. Andy leaves crying. OSCAR So. Are you thinking maybe Westminster one of these days? KEVIN That's our goal. OSCAR I'd love to go with you. Awkward silence as Kevin stares at Oscar. OSCAR (CONT'D) You know. If you ever make it. KEVIN We'll make it. We don't play to lose. KEVIN TALKING HEAD KEVIN Oscar and I are getting along really well right now. (beat) I think I might be gay. INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1 Michael calls Ryan on the speaker phone. Pam takes notes. RYAN (O.S.) This is Ryan. MICHAEL My main man. How's it going? RYAN (V.O.) Good, Michael. What do you want? MICHAEL Just wanted to rap. Run some things by you. Get a vibe off of the top dog. RYAN (V.O.) I'm very busy. Why haven't you sent me the evaluation forms yet? MICHAEL I'm working on it. RYAN (O.S.) Michael. You know that everybody's raises depend on those forms. If you don't turn them in, then the Scranton office will not get raises this year. Pam looks up. PAM Is that true? RYAN (V.O.) Who is that? MICHAEL Nobody. It's just Pam. Pam looks dejected. RYAN (O.S.) Good. Pam, let everybody know their raises depend on Michael getting me these evaluation forms. MICHAEL You don't need to tell them that. Look, Ry-dog. I was just curious if the situation would be different if something out of the ordinary happened. RYAN (O.S.) Define out of the ordinary. MICHAEL Oh, I don't know. What if a goat ate the forms? RYAN (O.S.) Why would a goat eat the forms? MICHAEL No reason. They were just out. RYAN (O.S.) You have a goat in the office? MICHAEL No! No goat. Maybe a dog ate them? RYAN (O.S.) Are you telling me the dog ate your homework? Michael. There are no pets allowed in the office. MICHAEL Ha! I'm just fooling with you. I, uh, there's no dog. ANGLE ON: DARRELL enters with a pit bull. DARRELL Meet Misty, everybody! Misty starts BARKING at Dwight's ferret cage. Dwight holds the cage up in a kung-fu pose. BACK TO: Michael quickly hangs up the phone. Looks worried. The phone RINGS. Michael stares at it. Looks to Pam. MICHAEL Don't answer that. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO INT. OFFICE - BATHROOM - D1 Dwight stands in the stall. Looks to his right and sees Jim's pet rock watching him. INT. OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - D1 Getting coffee. Dwight sees Jim's pet rock staring from behind a napkin rack. INT. OFFICE - WAREHOUSE - D1 Dwight spies the pet rock amongst a pile of empty boxes. JIM TALKING HEAD JIM It's not easy to give them all the same face. I spent four hours last night painting rocks. Maybe that's why Pam is mad at me. INT. OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - D1 Michael approaches Jim. MICHAEL Jimbo. JIM What did we say about nicknames? MICHAEL Right. Not cool. You're right. I'm sorry. JIM I'm kind of in the middle of this sandwich Michael. MICHAEL Why aren't you eating with Pam? JIM She said she was busy. ANGLE ON: Pam pushing away the goat as she sits at the reception desk. MICHAEL Oh, I see. Look, I need you to grade all of the employees in the branch. JIM I think you need to be a little more specific. MICHAEL Ryan has asked me to assign a letter grade to every employee in the Scranton branch. It's some corporate thing. You know how it is. Phyllis enters. JIM Phyllis, today you get an A. PHYLLIS Thanks, Jim. JIM Think nothing of it. Michael has asked me to grade everybody. I'm giving him a B because of that tie. Michael looks down at his tie. MICHAEL You can't give me a B. I'm the boss. I'm an A. Always. PHYLLIS Are these the money grades? MICHAEL No. No money. Who told you that? PHYLLIS Pam did. MICHAEL Well, then, an F for Pam. JIM Not if I'm giving the grades. MICHAEL You have to be serious. Okay, it's true. These grades will be used to help determine raises in the next fiscal year. JIM Ryan asked you to assign the grades. I don't see how this is something I should do. MICHAEL I already did it once with Toby. JIM Yet another person who isn't me. MICHAEL I can't go back to Toby. He'll lord it over me in that smug way of his. I'm assigning this task to you. JIM You should have Dwight do this. He loves this sort of thing. MICHAEL You're my number two. Just remember, everybody's raises depend on your judgement. Michael walks away. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Phyllis. Please try to keep this a secret. INT. OFFICE - D1 Andy taps his fish bowl. Dead again. Meredith looks around to see if anybody is watching. She takes the hamster out of its cage and places it in front of the cat. Jim enters. Everybody crowds around him. KELLY Jim, you look so handsome today. OSCAR That's a really sharp tie. Creed pulls at his tie and unbuttons his top button to look more like Jim. CREED Yeah. That's a good look, buddy. STANLEY hands him a Diet Coke. STANLEY I bought a Diet Coke instead of a regular. I'd like you to have it. Dwight looks suspicious. DWIGHT What is going on? Why are you all being so nice to Jim? PHYLLIS We like Jim. DWIGHT Nobody likes anybody else here that much and you all know it. Something's up. PHYLLIS Michael put Jim in charge of giving grades to the rest of the branch, and those grades will determine our raises this year. DWIGHT Michael would never put you in charge of something so important. Besides, he already asked me to do that. I flunked everybody. JIM Guess he wanted a second opinion. DWIGHT I knew I shouldn't have gone to the dojo for lunch. Dwight rushes over to Michael's office. INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1 Dwight enters. Michael has a picture of a lion open on his computer. DWIGHT Michael. I demand to know why you have put Jim in charge of evaluating the personnel here. MICHAEL Jim is my number two. I gave him the assignment. DWIGHT I already keep a detailed file on all employee misconduct. What was wrong with my grades? MICHAEL You wanted me to fire everybody! DWIGHT Yes. So we can run this thing the right way. You and me. We'll barricade the doors and keep corporate out. We can keep Pam and Angela around to repopulate the office. Michael briefly considers this. MICHAEL No. That's too complicated. And weird. Jim will get this done. DWIGHT I don't agree with this decision. MICHAEL Well. No one asked you, and besides, I make very good decisions. ANGLE ON: Creed's Pigeon DIVE BOMBS Kelly coming out of the bathroom. INT. OFFICE - ACCOUNTING - D1 Kevin and Oscar punch numbers into their computers. OSCAR Hey, can I borrow your stapler? KEVIN Sure. Kevin hands his stapler over and his and Oscar's hands touch for a moment. Oscar takes the stapler and goes about his business. Kevin lets his hand linger in the air for a moment and keeps gazing at Oscar. OSCAR TALKING HEAD OSCAR Yes, I have noticed it. I keep hoping that Kevin is just hungry and my head reminds him of a jelly donut. INT. OFFICE - FRONT DESK - D1 Jim and Pam talk. JIM This must be what it's like to be famous. PAM You're having a good day now, Halpert. JIM I'm not sure how I'm going to do this. All I know is that you're getting an A. Maybe I can give Dwight an E just to piss him off. PAM I don't care how you grade everybody else, as long as you get an A. JIM I don't know if I can do that. Won't everybody hate me if I give myself a good grade? PAM Who cares. You need to start thinking about the future. JIM Sure thing. I'll have the best grades at Dunder-Mifflin Middle School. PAM I'm serious. This is a chance for you to give yourself a little security. Give us a little security. JIM What did that dentist do to make you so serious today? PAM I just think it might be time for you to grow up. INT. OFFICE - ANNEX - D1 The goat walks by Toby's desk. Nuzzles him. TOBY Pam? (sees the goat) Oh. The trainer hands him the goat's leash. TRAINER Hey, I'm going to take Kelly out to lunch. Do you think you can watch Suzy for me while I'm gone. TOBY Sure. TRAINER You're the bomb, dude. TOBY (to goat) Hi, Suzy. My name's Toby. INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1 Jim enters and hands Michael a piece of paper. MICHAEL You gave everybody A's. JIM What can I say? This office rules. It all starts at the top. MICHAEL That's a great idea. He dials his speakerphone. RYAN'S ASSISTANT (O.S.) Ryan Howard's office. MICHAEL Michael Scott for Ryan. RYAN'S ASSISTANT (O.S.) I'm not supposed to put you through unless you have grades. Michael makes a face. MICHAEL I have grades. RYAN'S ASSISTANT (O.S.) Okay. RYAN (O.S.) This is Ryan. MICHAEL All A's. RYAN (O.S.) That's not possible. MICHAEL What can I say? It's great management. Michael winks at Jim. Jim gives him a thumbs up. RYAN (O.S.) No, Michael. That is terrible management. Look, this shouldn't be so hard. MICHAEL That's what she said. He puts up a high five to Jim. Jim shakes his head "no." RYAN (O.S.) You need to grade your employees on a curve. Determine who the top performers are, who is average and who we need to put some pressure on to perform. He hangs up. Michael throws his hands up. Walks out of his office. INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1 Michael rounds up the troops. MICHAEL Conference room, everybody. We're going to figure out everybody's grades. Everybody begrudgingly gets up and moves to the conference room. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - D1 Everybody sits down, animals in tow. Dogs bark. Birds chirp. MICHAEL No. Pets outside. PHYLLIS We can't just leave our pets alone. MICHAEL Pam will watch them. PAM What about my grade? MICHAEL You get an A. STANLEY Why does she get an A? MICHAEL Pam is my rock. She helps me out every day and this place couldn't run without her. Pam is taken aback. PAM Thanks, Michael. MICHAEL You're welcome. Make sure nobody poops in my office. And the moment is over. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Okay, we need to assign letter grades to everybody in the office. Dwight stands. DWIGHT We'll start with the weakest people first. Meredith, why should I give you more than a D? The camera looks for Meredith. She's not in the room. ANGLE ON: Meredith coming out of the kitchen putting a FLASK into her purse. She looks around the empty office, sees the animals and Pam. Shrugs and sits at her desk. MICHAEL Nobody's getting a D. We have to grade on a curve, so that just means more As a few Bs and one or two Cs. STANLEY That's not a curve. That's a slope. MICHAEL Really, Stanley? What do you know about it. STANLEY I was a middle school math teacher before I started selling paper. MICHAEL Really? Stanley sighs. STANLEY Somebody else explain it to him. Andy goes up to the whiteboard. ANDY I'm just going to take a stab at it. They did teach us a few things at Cornell. He draws a curve on the board. ANDY (CONT'D) The basic principal is that most people are average. So, you'll have a few A's and B's, mostly C's and a few D's and F's. He continues making notes on the diagram. ANDY (CONT'D) Of course, you can also adapt it by making the highest mark anybody scores equal 100, and then adjust from there. Bumping all lower grades up slightly. Michael shakes his head. MICHAEL Why are you wasting my time? Show of hands, who wants to be in the 'C' group? Nobody raises their hands. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Come on, people. You can see the chart. Most of you are just average. DWIGHT They wish. MICHAEL There has to be a fair way to do this. DWIGHT We could base it on sales. KELLY That's totally not fair to those of us who don't make sales. PHYLLIS Well, you aren't contributing as much to the income of the office. MICHAEL Phyllis, your sales aren't that good, anyway. ANGELA Why don't we award morality and base it on who gets caught the least stealing from the refrigerator. She gives Kevin a dirty look. MICHAEL What if we did a random draw? STANLEY I always figured my raises were random anyway. KELLY What if, like, we totally played a game like Scattergories? That way, there would be some skill involved. KEVIN I vote for poker. OSCAR This is silly. Why don't we just base it off of our employee reviews? Isn't there a scoring system in place there already? MICHAEL That's no good. I threw out all of the records when I was making room for the new couch in my office. OSCAR You what! PHYLLIS Michael. Those are our permanent records. We need those for the future. MICHAEL Don't be so dramatic. Nobody here has a future. Nobody argues his point. INT. OFFICE - D1 The pit bull and the poodle start fighting with each other. PAM Oh my God! ANGLE ON: Darrell argues with the animal trainer. ANGLE ON: Kelly smiles. Pam tries to stop the dogs from fighting. Dwight charges in. DWIGHT Stay out of this, Pam. Let a professional handle it. He opens his ferret cage. The ferret darts away from the two fighting dogs, knocking over the parakeet cage and setting the bird free. The parakeet and pigeon fly around. The cat screeches. The goat starts kicking at desks. Mayhem in the office as everybody scrambles to contain their pets. The ferret attacks Pam and latches onto her shirt. PAM Get it off! Get it off me! ANGLE ON: Jim bolts over to help her. DWIGHT Jim, be careful! He's a trained killer! Jim reaches Pam. Pulls the rodent away from her stuffs it in a trash can and flips it over on top of Dwight's desk. JIM It's okay. I'm here. Did he bite you? PAM It bit my leg. I'm okay, though. JIM Come here. Jim holds her. She grabs on to him. Dwight looks into trash can. DWIGHT We need to get you more training. PAM TALKING HEAD PAM It's great to be one of the only people in the world who has to get a tetanus shot after pet day at the office. Jim was my shining hero today, though. He's a pretty good guy to have around. I am very lucky. She smiles. INT. OFFICE - D1 Darrell comes over to Kevin and Oscar. They look down. KEVIN I guess they weren't really fighting. The sounds of doggy love can be heard. DARRELL Yeah, he's a horny bastard. OSCAR Why aren't you stopping this? KEVIN I don't know. It's pretty funny. OSCAR Those two dogs together. It's disgusting. It's unnatural. Oscar walks away. Kevin looks hurt. Darrell stands next to him. DARRELL That's a cute poodle, man. Kevin is happy again. KEVIN Thanks. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - D1 Toby walks up to a dejected Michael. TOBY Michael. I keep extra copies of everybody's reviews. MICHAEL Of course, you would wait to tell me now. TOBY You never asked me. MICHAEL You know, Toby. I shouldn't have to. Never mind. What scores do people get? TOBY We keep everybody at a C or above, and put upper management at the bottom. MICHAEL You mean I get an F? TOBY We both do. MICHAEL But, is yours lower? TOBY Sure. MICHAEL Okay, then. INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1 MICHAEL You know, the whole idea was to find out who the weakest link is. Of course, as management, I'll always put myself below my employees. INT. OFFICE - BATHROOM - D1 Andy flushes the toilet and salutes his latest loss. MICHAEL (V.O.) Of course, Toby gets the lowest grade. An F-minus-minus. I added the extra minus just to make sure Ryan knows he's the worst. INT. OFFICE - ANNEX - D1 Toby and the goat stare at each other. He looks around for the trainer, who is apparently gone. TOBY You want to go home with Toby? The goat nuzzles Toby's hand. TOBY (CONT'D) Come along, then. They walk out together. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL But you know what, the weakest link needs to step up. (beat) And Toby really stepped it up today. EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT 1 Jim and Pam stand beside his car. PAM I'm really sorry I was so mean today. JIM It's a good thing I convinced Dwight to bring his rabid ferret into work. Pam play slaps Jim. JIM (CONT'D) Hey. I'm here for you. Always. You got that, Beasley? PAM Yeah. I got it. She reaches into her coat pocket and pulls out a NEW PET ROCK. PAM (CONT'D) I painted one that looks like you. JIM Is my nose really that big? She puts another rock painted to look like her next to his on her palm. PAM This one is me. JIM Those are some good looking rocks. PAM You think so? JIM Of course. He smiles and leans in to kiss her. She pulls away and pulls a smaller rock from her pocket. This one is painted like a baby. She places it with the other two rocks on her hand. Jim looks from the rocks to Pam and back to the rocks. END OF SHOW
This entry was posted in Features, General, Spec Scripts.