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                              ACT 1

                       A STRONG CUP OF YOGA


INT. WILL AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - MORNING

WILL EATS BREAKFAST. MELANCHOLY ALL OVER HIS FACE.

GRACE ENTERS.

                         GRACE

           You look a little down there, skipper.

                         WILL

           Oh. Just go away.

                         GRACE

           What? Bad date?

WILL LOOKS AT GRACE. GUILTY.

                         GRACE

           You went out last night!

                         WILL

           No.

GRACE LOOKS WILL IN THE EYE. HE TURNS AWAY. SHE MOVES AROUND WILL
UNTIL SHE MAKES EYE CONTACT AGAIN.

                         WILL

           Maybe...

HE TURNS. SHE FOLLOWS. MORE EYE CONTACT.

                         WILL

           Yes...

                         GRACE

           Oh! Who, who? Tell me now.

WILL TURNS AWAY. GRACE FOLLOWS.

                         GRACE

           That cute lawyer from your office party?

MORE TURNING AND FOLLOWING.

                         GRACE

           One of Jack's friends. The delivery guy.

           The bellboy.

                         WILL

           The bellboy?

                         GRACE

           What? He's cute.

                         WILL

           He doesn't speak English.

                         GRACE

           I didn't know that was a requirement.

           Who then? You didn't use a dating

           service or anything.

WILL DOESN'T RESPOND. GRACE EYEBALLS HIM AGAIN. HE PULLS HIS
SHIRT UP OVER HIS EYES.

                         GRACE

           Oh my god! You- Oh... My... God!!

JACK ENTERS THE APARTMENT.

                         JACK

           Jack is here. Your day may begin.

GRACE WALKS UP TO JACK WITH A HUGE SMILE ON HER FACE.

                         JACK

           Too much Vivrin this morning, Pipi?

                         GRACE

           Will used a dating service and went out

           with a guy last night.

GRACE AWAITS A REACTION. GETS LITTLE FROM JACK.

                         JACK

           Humph. I've done that.

                         WILL

           You?

                         JACK

           Sure.

JACK MOVES INTO THE KITCHEN. BEGINS NONCHALANTLY TAKING APART THE
COFFEE MAKER.

                         JACK

           As a celebrity, I have to be careful

           that I am not just having a meaningless

           sex tryst with somebody who only sees

           me as a symbol of their fantasies.

                         WILL

           Jack, all sex you have is meaningless.

                         JACK

           But, I want them to be having

           meaningless sex with the real me. It's

           part of my personal paradox. Isn't it

           cool!

JACK FINISHES BUNDLING UP THE COFFEE MAKER. EXITS.

                         WILL

           Did he just take our coffee machine?

                         GRACE

           Yeah. I had to go steal our microwave

           back last week. Hey, I know something

           that might cheer you up.

                         WILL

           I've told you, no more heroin.

                         GRACE

           No. I've been reading up on yoga lately.

           It's supposed to cleanse your spirit.

           Maybe you should try it.

                         WILL

           Na. I can't do the whole stretchy thing.

           I just start feeling like Mr. Fantastic,

           who keeps hiding away his lust for The

           Thing.

                         GRACE

           Okay. Lay off the Cartoon Network.

           Anyway, it's about more than stretching,

           Will. It's about breathing and

           meditation and... flexibility...

                         WILL

           It's about a bunch of former gymnasts

           laying around on floor mats and seeing

           who can contort themselves in the most

           freakish way. Look, this is just some

           kick your on. Next, you'll be lighting

           weird candles and getting coffee enemas.

GRACE LOOKS AWAY AT THIS COMMENT.

WILL MOVES IN FOR THE EYE CONTACT.

                         GRACE

           They're very good for you system.

                         WILL

           Oh!



INT. GRACE'S WORKPLACE - DAY

GRACE WORKS. KAREN COMES IN.

                         KAREN

           Oh, darling. I think it's warm enough

           in here without you in that color.

                         GRACE

           Just trying to defrost your icy black

           heart.

KAREN TAKES OFFENSE.

                         GRACE

           I'm sorry. I'm being mean. I should stop.

                         KAREN

           Darn right. Being mean is my job. You'd

           better not start drinking, too.

KAREN PULLS A FLASK FROM HER PURSE. TAKES A SWIG.

                         GRACE

           I'm thinking of starting a yoga class.

           See if I can't cleanse my spirit. Hey,

           you want to join me?

                         KAREN

           Honey, these legs haven't gone past my

           waist since Stan took me to Morocco for

           our honeymoon.

                         GRACE

           But, they have beginner classes. You

           can learn.

                         KAREN

           Oh yeah?

                         GRACE

           Yeah. And there's an introductory rate

           right now.

                         KAREN

           Really?

                         GRACE

           And the instructor's cute.

                         KAREN

           I like that.

                         GRACE

           And he'll be wearing tights.

                         KAREN

           Well, sign me up, honey.

                         GRACE

           You mean it?

                         KAREN

           No. But wasn't that fun?

GRACE GIVES UP.

KAREN PULLS OUT A BROCHURE AND A PENCIL.

                         KAREN

           Honey. How far away do you have to be

           from another vehicle before you can use

           your brights on the highway?

                         GRACE

           Why? Did Rosario beat you in Trivial

           Pursuit again?

                         KAREN

           That bitch cheats!  (CATCHES HERSELF)

           Oh, no. I'm studying for my driver's

           test.

                         GRACE

           When's your appointment?

                         KAREN

           I didn't make one. I figure I'll just

           drop by the DMV tomorrow.

GRACE LAUGHS.

                         KAREN

           What?

                         GRACE

           Karen, you'll be there forever. Haven't

           you done this before?

                         KAREN

           Well, Stan always took care of these

           things. I don't know how, but some nice

           gentleman from the DMV always dropped

           my license off for me.

                         GRACE

           What, some guy named Vito?

                         KAREN

           Don't be silly. His name was... Little

           Anthony.



INT. WILL'S OFFICE - DAY

WILL WORKS AT HIS DESK. AN INTERN DROPS OFF A PACKAGE.

                         INTERN

           These forms are for you, Mr. Truman.

                         WILL

           Thanks, Tommy. How are you today?

                         TOMMY

           Me? I'm fine.

TOMMY SITS DOWN EAGERLY. WILL LOOKS UP, HAVING EXPECTED HIM TO GO
ABOUT HIS DAY.

                         TOMMY

           How are you doing?

                         WILL

           I'm fine.

                         TOMMY

           Yeah? Cool. So, what's going on?

                         WILL

           (PLAYING ALONG) Just trying to work.

                         TOMMY

           Man keeping you down?

                         WILL

           Sort of.

                         TOMMY

           So, what else is going on?

                         WILL

           Not much.

                         TOMMY

           Personal life's okay?

                         WILL

           Well, Grace-

                         TOMMY

           Who's Grace? That your girlfriend?

TOMMY SHINES A GOOFY GRIN.

                         WILL

           She's my roommate.

                         TOMMY

           Oh. Living with a woman. Is she cute?

           Is it, you know?

                         WILL

           You don't know much about me, do you,

           Tommy?

TOMMY JUST KEEPS ON SMILING.

                         TOMMY

           Huh-uh.

WILL STANDS UP. TOSSES A FOLDER OUT THE OFFICE DOOR.

                         WILL

           Could you get that?

                         TOMMY

           Sure!

TOMMY RUNS AFTER THE FOLDER. WILL CLOSES THE DOOR AFTER HE'S GONE.

WILL TURNS BACK TO HIS DESK. HEARS A BANG AT HIS DOOR. HE SIGHS.
TURNS BACK TO THE DOOR.

JACK IS STANDING THERE, WITH A HARMONICA IN HIS MOUTH.

                         WILL

           Jack. Hi.

JACK STARTS PLAYING THE HARMONICA. BADLY.

                         WILL

           You got a harmonica.

JACK BLOWS HIS ANSWER.

                         WILL

           And now you're using it to talk.

JACK BLOWS.

                         WILL

           And this will cheer me up?

JACK BLOWS. WILL PUTS HIS HAND OVER THE HARMONICA. PULLS IT AWAY
FROM JACK.

                         JACK

           Hey. I need to practice.

                         WILL

           Yes. You do.

                         JACK

           You know what I'm going to use this for?

                         WILL

           A mating call to the other inmates?

                         JACK

           No, silly. In Jack 2002, between Act

           six, scenes fourteen and fifteen, the

           part with the soliloquy about Nelson

           Mandella and Little Richard joining

           forces to feed the children in Western

           Mongolia.

                         WILL

           I don't recall that particular part of

           historical butchery.

                         JACK

           Yeah, I just added it. Anyway, it's a

           sad piece, so I thought... Harmonica!

                         WILL

           That is sad.

                         JACK

           Isn't it, though?

                         WILL

           What are you doing here, Jack?

                         JACK

           I wanted to return your credit card.

HE HANDS IT OVER TO WILL. WILL SCRUNCHES HIS FACE.

                         JACK

           I'm an artist, Will. I need tools.

WILL LOOKS AT THE HARMONICA IN HIS HAND.

                         WILL

           What do I need a boyfriend for? You

           spend all of my money anyway.

                         JACK

           Are you still upset about the blind guy?

                         WILL

           He wasn't blind. It was a singles

           service set up.

                         JACK

           Whatever it was, you need to lighten up.

           Try that yoga class with Grace. You

           know, I had fun with a yoga instructor

           once. Very... limber. He could put his

           leg--

                         WILL

           I get the picture. Oh, I don't know,

           maybe I should try it. You think it

           will help keep my mind of things?

JACK LOOKS OUT WILL'S OFFICE DOOR.

                         JACK

           New mail guy?

WILL GIVES UP.

                         WILL

           Go.

JACK TAKES OFF AFTER TOMMY.



INT. WILL AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

WILL TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND TYPES IN A PHONE NUMBER. AS IT
RINGS, HE CHECKS HIS TEETH IN A MIRROR. HE NOTICES SOMETHING AND
STARTS GETTING IT OUT WITH HIS FINGERNAIL.

                         ANSWERING MACHINE

           Hey, it's Brad. I'm not home right now.

           Leave a message and I'll get back to

           you soon.

THE ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS.

                         WILL

           (FINGERS STILL IN MOUTH) Brad, phplle.

           Hey. I just, had something in my mouth.

           No! My fingers. A piece of food, you

           know when something gets stuck in your

           teeth? Ha ha ha...

GRACE ENTERS.

                         WILL

           Anyway. I just thought I'd see if you

           wanted to get together again sometime.

           Maybe a second chance will help us get

           through the... monstrously horrible

           time we had before. Call me.

WILL HANGS UP.

                         GRACE

           You make that sound so appealing.

                         WILL

           Hush up, you.

                         GRACE

           Hey, I'm not the one trying to get

           Timmy to take me to the prom. Why are

           you still even thinking about this guy?

                         WILL

           No reason. There's just nothing good on

           TV.

                         GRACE

           I swear, you're acting like you slept

           with him or...

SHE GETS IT. WILL SHRUGS.

                         WILL

           How's the yoga class going?

GRACE KNOWS SHE HAS HIM NOW.

                         GRACE

           You wanna go?

                         WILL

           I, uh, I might.

                         GRACE

           Cleanse your spirit?

                         WILL

           The churches won't take me.

                         GRACE

           There will be cute men in tight outfits.

                         WILL

           How can I say no?



                              ACT 2

                       A STRONG CUP OF YOGA


INT. HEALTH CLUB - DAY

WILL, GRACE AND JACK ENTER THE HEALTH CLUB. VARIOUS GROUPS WORK
OUT.

                         JACK

           Look at that. Those girls are wearing

           pink. You said I couldn't.

                         GRACE

           No, Jack. I said you shouldn't.

YOLANDA, A HIPPIE-ISH YOGA INSTRUCTOR, COMES OVER.

                         YOLANDA

           Grace. So glad you could make it.

                         GRACE

           Yolanda, hi! These are my friends, Will

           and Jack.

YOLANDA GETS READY TO SAY HELLO--

                         JACK

           That's great. Where is the men's locker

           room?

                         YOLANDA

           Over there.

                         JACK

           Thanks.

HE TAKES OFF.

                         YOLANDA

           Will he be joining us later?

                         GRACE

           No. I think he's good.

                         WILL

           Hi, I'm Will.

                         YOLANDA

           Well, Will, are you ready to find inner

           peace?

                         WILL

           Some days, I'd just settle for a nice

           ham sandwich, ha ha.

THE JOKE FALLS FLAT.

                         YOLANDA

           Oh, I don't eat meat. You see, the mass

           consumption of processed animal

           carcasses is one of a multitude of

           spiritual toxins in our society.

                         WILL

           How about fish?

                         YOLANDA

           Oh, I love fish. Yeah.

GRACE PULLS WILL AWAY.

                         GRACE

           Come on. Let's go stretch.

                         WILL

           I thought that was what the whole yoga

           thing was about.

                         GRACE

           You have to warm up first.

THEY PASS A ROOM OF SHADOW-BOXING MEN.

                         WILL

           Ahh. It's the way A Chorus Line should

           be.

                         GRACE

           You like?

                         WILL

           Me like very much. Oh no!

WILL QUICKLY DROPS TO THE FLOOR.

                         GRACE

           What?

                         WILL

           The guy I went out with. He's in there.

GRACE GETS EXCITED. SMASHES HER FACE AGAINST THE GLASS.

                         GRACE

           Which one? Which one?

                         WILL

           Get away from there.

                         GRACE

           You gonna make me?

                         WILL

           Grace, please.

GRACE STARES DOWN AT WILL, WHO KNEELS AT HER FEET.

                         GRACE

           I don't think you are in any position

           to argue with me.

AT THAT MOMENT, AN OLDER COUPLE WALKS BY. THEY SMILE KNOWINGLY.

                         OLD WOMAN

           You keep him in line girl. We understand.

SHE PATS HER HUSBAND ON THE ARM. HE LOWERS HIS HEAD. THEY WALK ON.

                         GRACE

           Eew... I mean: EEW!

WILL CRAWLS AWAY.

                         WILL

           Where's this class? I need to hide.

                         GRACE

           You're too late. They're coming out.

WILL SCURRIES TO STAND UP. TRIES TO LOOK COOL BY LEANING AGAINST
A NEARBY WATER FOUNTAIN.

HIS HAND LANDS ON THE SWITCH. A STREAM OF WATER ARCS INTO THE AIR.

                         GRACE

           Now, that's cool.

THE GROUP WALKS BY.

                         WILL

           Do you think he saw me?

                         GRACE

           I know he saw you.

JACK WALKS BY WITH AN ANONYMOUS GUY.

                         JACK

           Of course, I am a musician.

                         ANONYMOUS GUY

           I see my body as my instrument.

                         JACK

           Sure looks like fun to play.

THEY WALK ON.

                         WILL

           God. Now, he's going to come over to

           talk and I'm going to have to pretend I

           had fun, and promise to call and...

                         GRACE

           I don't think that's going to be a

           problem. It looks like he's leaving.

BRAD, A HANDSOME GUY, LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER AND EDGES BEHIND
SOME EQUIPMENT.

                         WILL

           No, he's not. He's hiding behind the ab

           flexor. He's... OH-MY-GOD! He's hiding

           from me.

                         GRACE

           Yep. You be sure to let him down easy,

           Casanova.



INT. DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES - DAY

THE MASSES WAIT IN LINE. KAREN ENTERS WITH ROSARIO.

                         ROSARIO

           Holy Santa Marina Del Rio. This is like

           the line to get into the country.

KAREN WALKS UP TO THE FIRST DMV WORKER.

                         KAREN

           Hi, honey. I'm hear to get my driver's

           license.

                         DMV WORKER

           The line starts over there.

KAREN LOOKS TO THE END OF THE LINE. TURNS BACK TO THE WORKER AND
STARTS LAUGHING.

                         KAREN

           No. I have my paperwork ready to go.

                         DMV WORKER

           Good, that will save you time when you

           get to the front of the line that

           starts over there.

                         KAREN

           Look. I'm not the one who's making you

           wear blue on blue. So, why don't we cut

           the attitude and GIVE ME MY LICENSE!!

THE WORKER SIGHS HEAVILY. TURNS AND WALKS AWAY FROM HER POST.

KAREN FUSSES.

                         KAREN

           Well, I... I- Humph.

                         ROSARIO

           I had a cousin. Took four hours to

           stand in line for his ticket to go up

           the Statue of Liberty. He say it smell

           bad.

INT. HEALTH CLUB - DAY

WILL AND GRACE SIT ON MATS AMONGST THE OTHER YOGA-ERS.

WILL KEEPS LOOKING BACK OVER HIS SHOULDER.

                         WILL

           I can't believe he's avoiding me.

                         YOLANDA

           Will, dear. Don't strain your neck like

           that. It's bad form.

                         GRACE

           He's working quite hard at it, actually.

                         WILL

           You think I don't know that?

                         GRACE

           We're supposed to be relaxing. Why

           don't you breathe?

                         YOLANDA

           No talking, Grace. Inner peace.

                         GRACE

           I'm trying to get Will to breathe!

THE CLASS ALL TURN TO LOOK AT GRACE. SHE SMILES SHEEPISHLY.

                         JACK

           Grace, dear. Stop drawing attention to


           yourself. That's my job.

JACK WALKS TO THE CENTER MAT. STARES DOWN THE GIRL SITTING THERE.

                         JACK

           Ahem. Center mat, with a haircut like

           that? I don't think so.

SHE MOVES AND JACK TAKES HER PLACE.

AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASSROOM, YOLANDA INSTRUCTS THE CLASS.

                         YOLANDA

           Okay, everybody, let's start off easy.

           A simple leg lift.

YOLANDA PROCEEDS TO LIFT HER LEG IMPOSSIBLY HIGH, HER KNEE AT HER
CHIN.

                         WILL

           Ouch.

                         JACK

           Hello, camel toe.

                         GRACE

           Isn't she amazing?

                         WILL

           She's a freak. Human bodies aren't

           supposed to do that.

                         GRACE

           If you don't start to loosen up and

           release some stress, I'll show you what

           human bodies aren't supposed to do.



INT. DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES - DAY

KAREN AND ROSARIO WAIT IN LINE.

A GRUNGY MAN STANDS AHEAD OF HER IN LINE.

                         GRUNGY MAN

           You smell nice.

                         KAREN

           Oh dear.

                         GRUNGY MAN

           Like this bar I used to go to.

                         KAREN

           And you smell like you've been sleeping

           outside of that bar for a long long time.

                         GRUNGY MAN

           I've been here for four hours.

                         ROSARIO

           I tole you. Statue of Liberty.

ROSARIO STRIKES THE STATUE POSE.

                         KAREN

           Dear lord. Is the wait that long?

                         GRUNGY MAN

           Nah. I just keep failing the exam.

                         KAREN

           I can't imagine why. You look like your

           just brimming with intelligence.

                         GRUNGY MAN

           I keep doing it on purpose. I'm sweet

           on Debbie up there.

HE POINTS TO A DMV WORKER.

                         ROSARIO

           Looks like a match made in heaven to me.

                         GRUNGY MAN

           She reminds me of my mother.

                         KAREN

           Okay. Don't need the whole life story.

           Thanks.

KAREN TURNS TO THE WOMAN BEHIND HER.

                         KAREN

           Is that a Kate Spade?

THE WOMAN HOLDS UP HER PURSE.

                         WOMAN

           No. Did you think it was? It's actually

           one of those generic knock-offs.

                         KAREN

           Oh. That's nice...

KAREN TURNS AWAY.

                         WOMAN

           Do you have a problem with that?

                         KAREN

           Oh, I love it when the fashionably

           lacking get sensitive.

                         WOMAN

           Excuse me.

                         KAREN

           Don't worry about it, dear. Kate Spade

           was last year anyway.

                         WOMAN

           And those bangs are kind of last

           decade, aren't they?

KAREN GASPS AND PUTS HER HANDS TO HER BANGS.

                         ROSARIO

           (HOLDS UP HER BAG) Flea Market. West

           15th.



INT. HEALTH CLUB - DAY

WILL AND GRACE EXIT CLASS.

                         GRACE

           God. I feel great. It's like all of the

           tension and stress has just melted away.

WILL STRUGGLES TO WALK.

                         WILL

           I can't feel my calves.

                         YOLANDA

           That's perfectly normal after your

           first session, Will. Now, you can go

           home and begin to heal.

                         WILL

           You've crippled me!

JACK COMES OUT WITH A COUPLE OF GUYS.

                         JACK

           ...really, I've bent over backwards so

           many times, it's more habit than skill.

           Okay...

JACK POINTS TO HIS FAVORITES.

                         JACK

           ...I'll teach you, you, and... you.

                         WILL

           Okay. There he is. I'm going to go over

           and say hi to him.

                         GRACE

           Will. Don't be that guy. The guy who

           just doesn't get it.

                         JACK

           Honey, he's already that guy.

                         GRACE

           Look. Your kind of starting to act like

           me. It didn't work out. Don't make

           things worse.

                         WILL

           I don't get it. Why shouldn't he like

           me? I'm witty, have a great smile, I'm

           in decent shape.

GRACE PUSHES HIM WITH A FINGER. HE FALLS AGAINST THE WALL WITH A
GROAN.

                         WILL

           I know the words to every Ella

           Fitzgerald tune. I am every gay man's

           dream.

                         GRACE

           I thought that was every gay man's dream.

SHE POINTS TO SPANDEX-CLAD MUSCLE MEN WORKING OUT.

                         WILL

           Okay. So maybe geeky lawyer isn't quite

           on top of the list.

                         GRACE

           Will, you have to get over this. You

           need to find the strength in yourself

           to overcome these petty grievances.

                         WILL

           Petty grievances?

                         GRACE

           (UNSURE) It's Kafka.

                         WILL

           Kafka?

                         GRACE

           Maybe it was Nietzsche. I don't know.

           Look, I was up late and the Learning

           Channel was on. The point is, you're

           better than this.

                         WILL

           Thank you, Grace. Your support really

           means a lot.

GRACE HOLDS UP HER FINGER.

                         GRACE

           I'll do it.

                         WILL

           Sorry, you're right. Maybe I should

           just walk by him confidently, and not

           even look over.

                         GRACE

           That's a good idea. Oh, here he comes.

                         WILL

           Not now. I'm not ready!

WILL AND GRACE SCRAMBLE FOR A DOOR.

                         WILL

           Quick, in here.

THEY GO INTO A SAUNA.



INT. HEALTH CLUB - SAUNA - CONTINUOUS

GRACE PRESSES HER FACE UP AGAINST THE GLASS. WILL STANDS TO THE
SIDE.

                         WILL

           What's he doing?

                         GRACE

           Talking to some guy. They're laughing...

           He just kissed him.

                         WILL

           What!

                         GRACE

           Oh... my... god!

                         WILL

           What! What!

HE UNCEREMONIOUSLY PUSHES HER ASIDE AND LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW.
GRACE LAUGHS.

                         GRACE

           Gotcha. You're such a sucker.

SHE JUMPS WHEN SHE SEES JACK AND A MYSTERY MAN IN THE CORNER OF
THE SAUNA.

                         JACK

           Do you guys have to follow me everywhere.

           I swear, privacy for the famous is so

           hard to find.

THE MAN NODS.

                         GRACE

           I'm sorry, Jack. We'll go.

SHE TURNS TO OPEN THE DOOR. IT DOESN'T BUDGE.

                         GRACE

           It's locked!

WILL STARTS TO CHUCKLE.

                         GRACE

           What are you so happy about all of a

           sudden?

                         WILL

           We're in a sauna, you know.

                         GRACE

           (HAND TO HAIR) Oh! My hair!

SHE STARTS BANGING ON THE DOOR VIOLENTLY.



                              ACT 3

                       A STRONG CUP OF YOGA


INT. DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES - DAY

                         KAREN

           Don't they have a bar in here somewhere?

                         ROSARIO

           Okay, I been talking to fast Eddie. He

           says the trick es to keep your hands on

           the wheel like so.

ROSARIO HOLDS HER HANDS UP IN THE PROPER POSITION.

                         ROSARIO

           Ten and two o'clock.

                         KAREN

           Isn't that cute. You look like a little

           horse jockey.

                         ROSARIO

           I try to help you. You insult me?

                         KAREN

           Love, Rosario. It's all in the name of

           love.

                         ROSARIO

           Dr. Jack on Days of Our Lives. He knows

           love. You, you only know how to find

           rum in a Vietnamese market.

                         KAREN

           They keep it back by the fish, you

           wallowing sack of worthless woman.

                         ROSARIO

           Insult! You she-demon.

                         KAREN

           Witch!

                         ROSARIO

           Whore!

                         WOMAN

           Oh, my God! I can't believe the way you

           treat each other. What's wrong with you

           two?

                         ROSARIO

           Hey! Lady. You keep your hands away

           from my sweet papicia.

                         KAREN

           Oh, Rosario. My little angel. I'm so

           sorry.

THEY HUG, LIKE ALWAYS.

                         WOMAN

           But, you were just fighting.

                         ROSARIO

           That's it, I'll show you ten and two

           o'clock.

ROSARIO PUTS HER HANDS UP IN FIGHTING STANCE.

                         KAREN

           Oh. Look at my little Rosario go.

KAREN TURNS TO ANOTHER BYSTANDER.

                         KAREN

           I know. She's gimpy in her left hip,

           but she can still move, eh?

THE MAN CAN ONLY NOD HIS APPROVAL.



INT. HEALTH CLUB - SAUNA - DAY

WILL, GRACE, JACK AND THE MAN SIT IN THE SAUNA.

GRACE'S HAIR STANDS STRAIGHT OUT.

JACK STARTS POKING HER HAIR. SHE GRABS HIS WRISTS AND TWISTS.

                         JACK

           Ouch! Sorry, Miss Einstein.

                         WILL

           Somebody's here.

OUTSIDE - YOLANDA TRIES TO OPEN THE DOOR.

GRACE RUNS UP TO THE GLASS.

FROM OUTSIDE, YOLANDA CAN'T HEAR ANY OF GRACE'S WORDS.

                         YOLANDA

           Let me in, dearie.

LIKEWISE, GRACE CAN'T HEAR YOLANDA.

                         GRACE

           It's stuck. Get help.

                         YOLANDA

           Let me in!

                         GRACE

           She's not going. What's wrong with her?

                         YOLANDA

           I need to relax!!!

                         GRACE

           Lay off the tofu and get somebody to

           HELP!!!

YOLANDA WALKS OFF IN A HUFF.



INT. DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES - DAY

KAREN AND ROSARIO GET TO THE COUNTER.

THE DMV WORKER MAN TALKS TO ROSARIO.

                         DMV WORKER MAN

           Ma'am, you'll have to wait your turn.

                         KAREN

           She's with me.

                         ROSARIO

           I'm her lady.

                         DMV WORKER MAN

           Great.

HE LOOKS OVER KAREN'S PAPERWORK.

                         DMV WORKER MAN

           Um, these forms are for Connecticut.

                         KAREN

           That's where I was when I thought about

           renewing my license.
 
                         DMV WORKER MAN

           You need to fill out paperwork for New

           York.

                         KAREN

           Oh, don't be silly. I can use this

           license to drive anywhere.

                         DMV WORKER MAN

           I'm sorry. That's just how it works.

HE HANDS HER THE CORRECT PAPERS.

                         KAREN

           Oh, don't apologize to me.

KAREN HANDS THE PAPERS TO ROSARIO.

                         ROSARIO

           Hmm. Maybe I don't want to be your lady.

                         KAREN

           Mm-hm. Well, maybe you want to be

           deported instead. Where's the

           immigration office?

                         DMV WORKER MAN

           Just down the block.

                         KAREN

           Think you can have those finished by

           time I get back?

ROSARIO SCRIBBLES FURIOUSLY.

                         ROSARIO

           What's your middle name?
 
INT. HEALTH CLUB - SAUNA - DAY

YOLANDA COMES BACK WITH THE MANAGER.

                         WILL

           Okay. Here goes.

WILL, GRACE AND JACK RUSH THE DOOR.

THE MANAGER GETS CREAMED AS HE OPENS IT. THEY FALL IN A PILE.

JACK'S FRIEND QUIETLY STEPS OVER THE PILE AND RUNS OFF.

                         YOLANDA

           Ahh! Security!

BRAD WALKS BY WITH IMPECCABLE TIMING.

                         BRAD

           Will. Hi. Sorry I haven't gotten back

           to you, I, uh...

                         WILL

           (FROM BOTTOM OF PILE) It's okay. These

           situations are always awkward.



INT. HEALTH CLUB - MANAGER'S OFFICE - LATER

WILL, GRACE AND JACK SIT AGAINST A WALL LIKE A PRISON LINE UP.

JACK PLAYS ON HIS HARMONICA.

KAREN ENTERS.

                         KAREN

           Well, isn't this about the roughest

           bunch I've ever seen. Grace. You wrap a

           towel around your head in the sauna.

           Just a tip.

JACK PLAYS HIS HARMONICA.

KAREN SNATCHES IT AWAY FROM HIM.

                         KAREN

           Jackie, dear. Not with the day I've had.

THE MANAGER, A HUSKY MAN, WALKS IN WITH YOLANDA.

                         KAREN

           Looks like the donuts are winning, ha

           ha...

HE IS NOT AMUSED.

KAREN TURNS TO THE GROUP.

                         KAREN

           Okay, children. Time to let mommy talk.



INT. WILL AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - LATER

WILL, GRACE, JACK AND KAREN ENTER THE APARTMENT.

                         GRACE

           I didn't know it was possible to have a

           health club named after you.

                         KAREN

           I didn't realize offending fat health

           club managers was so expensive.

                         WILL

           I've never had a restraining order

           filed against me before.

                         GRACE

           I have.

                         WILL

           Really?

                         GRACE

           Sophomore year. Tommy-

                         WILL

           Watkins! That's right!

                         JACK

           Ooh ooh! Tell me more, tell me more.

           Did he put up a fight?

                         GRACE

           It wasn't so much a fight as, well I

           didn't mean to break up his wedding.

           Look, I don't want to talk about it. I

           just want you to know, Will, you aren't

           the only person who's been rejected.

           These things happen. You'll find

           somebody one of these days.

                         KAREN

           Buckwheat's right, Will. Sooner or

           later, you'll be the only choice some

           poor guy has.

                         WILL

           Thanks, Karen. That really doesn't help

           at all.

                         JACK

           You don't mind that I asked him out do

           you, Will?

ROSARIO ENTERS.
 
                         ROSARIO

           It is finished.

                         KAREN

           Ah! My driver's lisence.

                         GRACE

           Karen. You didn't make Rosario get your

           license for you?

                         KAREN

           Don't be silly. I had her get one for

           herself.

                         ROSARIO

           Ten o'clock and two o'clock.

SHE DEMONSTRATES.

                         KAREN

           Very good, driver. Come along now.

           We're low on vodka.

KAREN TURNS HER TO THE DOOR AND THEY LEAVE.



FIN

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