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COLD OPENING
FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING
BILL ENTERS. LAUREN JUMPS UP FROM THE COUCH.
LAUREN
Dad's home!
BILL
Aw, did you miss me, honey?
LAUREN
Now, I can open my birthday presents!
LAUREN RUNS INTO THE KITCHEN.
TINA RUNS DOWN THE STAIRS.
TINA
Daddy, yeah!
BILL
There's my little princess.
TINA RUNS BY HIM INTO THE KITCHEN.
TINA
Birthday cake!
BILL SIGHS.
BILL
I need to get a dog.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
JUDY HAS A CAKE AND PRESENTS LAID OUT. THE FAMILY GATHERS AROUND
AS LAUREN RIPS OPEN HER FIRST PACKAGE.
JUDY
That's your big gift, Lauren. Are you
sure you want to open it first?
BRIAN PUTS HIS HAND UP TO STOP LAUREN.
BRIAN
Just remember, this moment right now is
the best your life will ever get.
LAUREN FINISHES OPENING THE PACKAGE. SQUEALS.
LAUREN
A cell phone! Oh my god!
BILL WALKS IN.
BILL
Sounds like she likes it.
LAUREN
Mom and Dad, you're the best.
SHE GIVES JUDY AND BILL BIG HUGS. BRIAN READS THE PACKAGE.
BRIAN
Wow, this is the Nokuma 365i. You can
find your exact coordinates from a
global positioning system. It even
takes pictures with 5 megapixel
resolution. This is really high-tech, Dad.
BILL
Yeah. I picked out the color. Pretty
blue, don't you think?
LAUREN
I love it. I'm going to call everyone I
know.
SHE STARTS DIALING AND WALKS OUT OF THE KITCHEN.
JUDY
What about your other gifts?
BRIAN
It's probably going to be a few days
before she calms down.
LAUREN (OS)
Can you believe it? Oh my god, tell
Tammy. No, wait. Let me call Tammy...
BILL
I guess this means we can return the
rest of the gifts.
BRIAN
Is there anything good I can steal?
JUDY TOSSES A PACKAGE TO BRIAN.
JUDY
You want a matching set of bra and
panties?
HE DROPS THE BOX LIKE IT'S ON FIRE.
BRIAN
I can't believe you just let me touch
that.
BILL
You should try the panties sometimes,
son. They're really quite comfortable.
BRIAN STARES AT BILL FOR A MOMENT.
BRIAN
You know, Dad. One of these days, I'm
not going to know if you're joking or not.
BILL
Suit yourself.
LAUREN COMES BACK INTO THE KITCHEN. STILL ON THE PHONE.
LAUREN
...and then I'm going to call Bobby and
then I'm going to call Kelly, or maybe
Burke. Who do you think I should call
first? Of course I called you first.
SHE PUTS HER HAND OVER THE MOUTHPIECE AND ROLLS HER EYES. WALKS
BACK OUT.
TINA
Can I cut the cake? I want to eat a
piece before it's my birthday.
CUT TO:
MAIN TITLES
ACT ONE
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
THE CLAN EATS BREAKFAST.
LAUREN
I still can't believe you guys got me a
cell phone.
JUDY
It's what you said you wanted.
LAUREN
You're so cool.
BILL
And, it was on sale.
JUDY
Just pretend you didn't hear that, honey.
LAUREN OBSESSIVELY PUNCHES IN NUMBERS.
LAUREN
What? Sorry, Mom, I was sending a text
message to my friend, Jamie.
JUDY
Oh. No problem. Tell Jamie I said hi.
LAUREN
(SARCASTIC) Yeah right, Mom.
BRIAN ENTERS.
BRIAN
She's still on that thing? It's like
the Energizer Bunny, if he was a
pimple-faced loser.
LAUREN
You'd probably just use it to send
messages to your geek friends in the
Chemistry club.
BILL
You're in the chemistry club?
BRIAN
Yeah. We meet every Thursday, right
after the student council.
JUDY
You're on the student council?
BRIAN
Don't you remember when I was making
all those "vote for Brian" buttons?
JUDY
I thought that was just a craft
project to make you feel good about
yourself.
JUDY SETS DOWN A PLATE OF FOOD.
JUDY
Okay, kids. Eat up before school. You
need to have a good breakfast to start
your day.
LAUREN PUSHES THE PLATE ASIDE. KEEPS PUNCHING AWAY AT HER PHONE.
BILL
Your mother's right, dear.
LAUREN
Not hungry.
BILL GRABS THE PLATE AND EATS A PIECE OF BACON.
BILL
You just can't argue with kids these days.
BRIAN PUSHES HIS PLATE ASIDE.
BRIAN
I should get going, too. I have a
young scientists meeting at the museum.
TINA GRABS THE PLATE.
TINA
Too smart for his own good, I say.
SHE GNAWS SOME BACON JUST LIKE BILL.
LAUREN AND BRIAN GRAB THEIR BAGS TO LEAVE.
JUDY
Lauren, honey. Don't forget that we
want you to be responsible with the
phone. If your grades start to slip or
I hear that you're goofing off with it
in class, then we'll take it away.
LAUREN
I know, Mom. I promise to put as much
effort into school as you and dad did.
BILL
Eh... Why don't you try to be more like
Brian?
LAUREN
Because, he's a dork.
BILL
I love you, honey. I just want to know
that all of my kids will have jobs to
help pay for your Mom's and mine
retirement.
BRIAN AND LAUREN EXIT.
JUDY
Bill, do you think we're losing touch
with our kids?
BILL
No. What makes you say that?
JUDY
Well, I just watched an entire morning
go by without eye contact from any of
my offspring. It makes a mother
suspicious.
BILL
Oh, Honey. I'm looking at you.
BILL SNUGGLES UP TO JUDY.
JUDY
You've got some bacon grease on your
face, Bill.
BILL
I thought you liked the taste of bacon,
honey.
SHE WIPES HIS FACE WITH A TOWEL.
JUDY
I like it on bacon. (BEAT) I'm
serious, Bill. I think this technology
is driving the kids away from us. I
mean, I don't even know what Brian does
in his room all day.
BILL
Judy, you probably don't want to know
what Brian is doing in his room all day.
JUDY
Stop it. You know he's on that computer
all day. Who knows what he's doing. I
read an article in TIME the other day
that there are all sorts of horrible
things on the internet.
BILL
Judy, those magazines in your office
are ancient. The internet probably
isn't even around anymore.
JUDY
I just think we should take a more
active role in our children's lives.
BILL
(SARCASTIC) Yeah, I'm sure they'd love
that.
JUDY
What's that supposed to mean?
BILL
Nothing. It's just that... no teenager
wants their parents nosing around in
their life.
JUDY
Not "nosing." Just... communicating on
their level.
BILL
Well, you'd better leave it up to me,
then. We both know I'm the cool parent.
JUDY
You are not!
BILL
Come on. Who's the one that wrote that
note to get Lauren out of her geometry
test?
JUDY
That was you?
BILL REALIZES HE HADN'T TOLD HER ABOUT THIS.
BILL
Um, no. Lauren forged that. But which
parent did she say would have written
that note?
JUDY
I'm just as cool as you.
BILL
Sure you are, baby.
JUDY
I'll bet I can make the kids think I'm
cooler than you.
BILL
Let's not get carried away.
JUDY SNIFFS THE AIR.
JUDY
Is that fear? Do I smell an out of
touch old man afraid of bonding with
his children?
BILL
Okay, that's enough. You're on. I'll
prove to you that I'm more in touch
with our kids then you are.
TINA TURNS FROM THE TABLE WITH BACON STRIPS PLASTERED ACROSS HER
FACE.
TINA
I'm the amazing bacon girl!
JUDY
Okay, Bill. You get one point there.
INT. BRIAN'S BEDROOM - DAY
BRIAN WORKS AT HIS COMPUTER. BILL WALKS INTO THE ROOM.
BILL
Hey there, buddy boy.
BRIAN
Buddy boy?
BILL
Just checking in on my best pal. How's
it hanging today?
BRIAN
Do you mean, how is "it" literally
hanging?
BILL
It's just a saying, son. So, what are
you doing home? Don't you have school
today?
BRIAN
Because I'm in the honor program, I get
to take flex days when I work ahead in
class.
BILL
Flex days, huh? Yeah, I took a few of
them in high school.
BRIAN
It's a new program.
BILL
Must be. We didn't work ahead for ours.
BRIAN CONTINUES WORKING. BILL NERVOUSLY WATCHES OVER HIM, TRYING
TO FIND A CONNECTION.
BILL
So, is anybody still using that
'internet' thing?
BRIAN LOOKS UP, MOMENTARILY STUNNED BY THE QUESTION.
BRIAN
Um, yeah, Dad. It's probably the number
one way to communicate these days.
BILL
Hmm. How about that. Mind if I take it
for a spin?
BRIAN
Actually, I'm trying to get a little
work done.
BILL SCOOTS BRIAN OFF THE CHAIR.
BILL
You worked ahead. Let the old man have
some fun. How do I fire this thing up?
BRIAN
Just click here.
BILL
That was easy. What is all of this?
BRIAN
It's my home page. I have links to
current news, a daily science fact and
some chat groups for the new Star Wars
movie.
BILL
So, even on the internet, they know
you're a geek.
BRIAN
Thanks, Dad.
BILL
What are these bookmarks?
BRIAN
Those are other websites that I like to
visit. It's mostly research stuff for
school.
BILL
(READING) Natural Science, Mechanical
Science, Science and Physics (HE LOOKS
TO BRIAN) You've heard of sports, right?
BRIAN
I was getting to it. The internet's a
big place.
BILL
Hmm, what's this one?
BRIAN JUMPS AT THE COMPUTER.
BRIAN
Not that one!
BILL'S EYES LIGHT UP.
BILL
Well, hello there.
BRIAN
Oh, God.
BILL TURNS TO BRIAN.
BILL
She's friendly.
BRIAN
This is so humiliating.
BILL STANDS UP AND WALKS OVER TO BRIAN.
BILL
Son... I don't know what to say about
this.
BRIAN
You're not mad are you?
BILL
It's hard to explain, Brian. I'm a
little choked up. I mean, I've checked
your room for girly magazines and I
never found any...
BRIAN
You what?
BILL
I didn't know it was all... online. I'm
just so happy.
BILL GIVES BRIAN A VERY BIG, VERY UNCOMFORTABLE BEAR HUG.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
JUDY STIRS COFFEE DEJECTEDLY. LINDA ENTERS.
LINDA
Hey, Judy.
JUDY
(MELANCHOLY) Hi, Linda.
LINDA
Ooh, are you going to be all sad right
now? I just wanted to get some olive
oil. Ian and I are celebrating our
three-month anniversary tonight.
JUDY
Oh, that's sweet. You're going to cook
for him?
LINDA
Not exactly.
JUDY
Great. Now, I'm sad and grossed out.
LINDA
What's wrong?
JUDY
Well, Bill and I were talking today
about how we're losing touch with the
kids. We got Lauren a cell phone for her
birthday, but I think I'm going to hear
from her even less.
LINDA
That's part of growing up, Judy. Kids
need to have some space.
JUDY
Yeah, but I made a bet with Bill that I
could connect with the kids better than
he could.
LINDA
You made a bet?
JUDY
Yeah.
LINDA
So, this is like better parenting
through coercion?
JUDY
I just want to be a part of my kid's
life. Is that so bad?
LINDA
Okay, if we're trying to beat Bill,
then it's great. I have an idea: Why
don't you use the cell phone to your
advantage?
JUDY
How?
LINDA PULLS OUT HER CELL PHONE.
LINDA
Check it out. You can send her a
picture and a message from my phone.
That way you're speaking to her through
the technology.
JUDY
That's a great idea. She'll think I'm
so hip.
LINDA
I don't know if 'hip' is the word you
want to use.
JUDY
How does it work?
LINDA HOLDS UP THE PHONE.
LINDA
Here, I'll take a picture of you.
JUDY
It takes pictures?
LINDA
Yeah, Ian and I were fooling around
with it the other day.
LINDA PUTS THE PHONE DOWN.
LINDA
He says he might use one of our "love
photos" for the cover of his band's
next album.
JUDY
But, his band doesn't record albums.
LINDA
You can't ruin my fun.
JUDY
Just take my picture.
LINDA SNAPS A PHOTO.
LINDA
Okay, now say something fun to go with it.
SHE HOLDS THE PHONE UP FOR JUDY.
JUDY
(INTO PHONE) Hey, Lauren. Just wanted
to drop you a line on the new phone.
Hope you're being good--Oh my god,
that's terrible!
LINDA
It's okay. We'll re-record. Let me
clear the last message. Okay, try again.
JUDY
(INTO PHONE) What's up, Lauren. Um,
word. Be cool--
LINDA
Why don't we type something.
JUDY
Great idea.
LINDA PUNCHES BUTTONS.
LINDA
"Lauren. Just trying out the new phone.
Pretty cool. Mom." There. Short and
simple. She'll know you're reaching out
to her, but not trying to hard.
JUDY GRABS THE PHONE AND READS THE MESSAGE.
JUDY
That's great. How do I send it?
LINDA
Just scroll to your picture and hit the
green key.
JUDY
Okay, here goes.
SHE PUSHES THE BUTTON.
JUDY
Oh no! That's not the photo of me.
LINDA
What do you mean?
SHE TURNS THE PHONE SIDEWAYS.
JUDY
Is that a Winger tattoo?
LINDA
You sent her a picture of me!
JUDY DROPS THE PHONE.
JUDY
Ahh! I can't believe I just touched
that. (BEAT) Oh my god! I just sent
that to Lauren.
BILL AND BRIAN ENTER. BRIAN'S FACE IS PASTY WHITE.
BILL
Sent Lauren what?
JUDY
Oh, nothing. Linda and I have been
sending notes to Lauren with the cell
phone. You know, just communicating
with my daughter through the new
technology.
BILL
Cool.
JUDY
How's it going with you and Brian?
BILL
Great. We're skateboarding on the net
like you wouldn't believe, right Brian?
BRIAN
It's surfing, Dad.
BILL GRABS A BEER FROM THE FRIDGE.
BILL
He's teaching me all the lingo. Want a
beer, Bri?
BRIAN
(TERRIFIED) No!
JUDY
What are you guys looking at?
BRIAN
Nothing!
BILL
Just... guy stuff. Come on, Brian. Let
you mom and Linda have fun with the
cell phone.
BILL ROLLS HIS EYES.
JUDY
(STRAINED) It's a blast!
BILL AND BRIAN EXIT. JUDY LETS OUT A SIGH.
JUDY
Aw, man. Bill's having a great time
with Brian, and Lauren probably won't
speak to me again.
LINDA PUTS HER HAND ON JUDY'S SHOULDER.
LINDA
Maybe you should start working on Tina.
JUDY
Yeah, maybe I'll just buy her some
Hustlers.
ACT TWO
INT. BRIAN'S BEDROOM - DAY
BILL IS HAPPILY CLICKING THROUGH PORN ON THE COMPUTER.
BILL
What do you think of her? I could see
your mother in that outfit.
BRIAN
These are scars that will never heal, Dad.
BILL
This is the greatest thing ever, Brian.
Sports, news, naked women. I may never
leave this chair.
BRIAN
I've always wondered what hell would be
like.
BILL
This mouse is like a remote control...
only, like, a thousand times greater.
BRIAN
You know, you can do practical stuff
online, too, Dad.
BILL
Are you trying to kill my buzz?
BRIAN
No, it makes life easier. Like paying
bills.
BILL
Paying bills? That's boring. That's
like going to Las Vegas to look at the
sand.
BRIAN
Okay, fine. You can gamble, too.
BILL
Gambling is rigged, son. You can't beat
the casino.
BRIAN
I don't know, Dad. I was reading an
article about how playing poker is all
about probabilities. If you can keep
track of what cards are on the table
and remember a few formulas, you
actually have a better chance than the
other players.
BILL SPRINGS UP AND HUSTLES BRIAN TO THE COMPUTER.
BILL
Show me.
BRIAN CLICKS AROUND. FINDS A GAMBLING WEBSITE.
BRIAN
I'm not saying I can do it, Dad.
HE TURNS TO BILL.
BRIAN
Or that I should. You know, as a minor.
Still Standing - "Still Connected" By: Heath G. Miller 26.
BILL
Brian. This is a chance for your world
and my world to come together in a
beautiful harmony. Let's gamble.
BRIAN
We're going to need some money. They're
asking for a bank account number.
BILL PULLS A CHECKBOOK FROM HIS POCKET.
BILL
Not a problem.
BRIAN
I thought mom wouldn't let you touch
the money.
BILL
Son, there are a lot of things your
mother says I can't touch.
BRIAN
And the last innocent image of my
mother has vanished.
HE PUNCHES A FEW NUMBERS.
BRIAN
Okay, we're in.
BILL STANDS BACK. WIPES A TEAR FROM HIS EYE.
BRIAN
Dad, are you crying?
BILL
It's just... the dirty pictures, the
gambling... I've never felt so close to
you.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
JUDY AND LINDA SIT AT THE TABLE. LAUREN ENTERS.
JUDY
Hi, Honey. How was school today?
LAUREN STARES BULLETS.
LINDA
See anything interesting?
THE BULLETS HIT LINDA.
JUDY
Baby, I know must be so mad at me. You
have to believe that it was an accident.
LAUREN
You just accidentally sent me porn on
my cell phone?
LINDA
Porn is such a strong word. Didn't you
think the photo was a little artistic?
LAUREN
It was porn. Worse, it was old people
porn. Do you know how gross that was?
LINDA
(NERVOUS) How gross was it?
LAUREN
All of the boys wanted to print it out
and take it home.
LINDA
(PERKING UP) Really?
JUDY
Okay, Miss December. Get out of here.
JUDY SHOVES LINDA OUT THE DOOR.
JUDY
Lauren. I'm so sorry. Is there anything
I can do to make it up to you?
LAUREN
You can start by getting my phone back.
Principal Baxter thinks I'm some kind
of smut peddler and took it away from me.
JUDY
Oh, that woman is evil.
LAUREN
You'd better talk to her.
JUDY
I don't know, honey. They've been
pretty mad at us since your father
called in that bomb threat to get out
of Brian's science fair.
LAUREN
Fine. If you won't do it, then I'll ask
daddy to talk to them.
JUDY
No! That's okay. You're father doesn't
really need to know about this. We'll
just keep it a secret between us girls.
LAUREN
And half the boys in my grade.
JUDY
Yeah, them too. I'll fix this. I promise.
LAUREN
Okay, Mom.
LAUREN EXITS. JUDY TALKS TO HERSELF.
JUDY
If only I had some naked pictures of
Principal Baxter I could use against her.
SHE THINKS ABOUT IT. SHUDDERS.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
BILL RUNS DOWN THE STAIRS. BRIAN FOLLOWS.
BRIAN
I don't know what happened. He should
have had two twos.
BILL
Well, he had three aces.
BRIAN
I must have lost track during one of
the raises.
BILL FRANTICALLY TURNS OVER CUSHIONS ON THE COUCH.
BILL
Must have. Where is the phone?
BRIAN
We have to tell Mom.
BILL
You want to tell your mother you just
lost my last two paychecks while
gambling online?
BRIAN
Well...
BILL
The answer is 'no' Brian.
BRIAN
But, won't she just blame you for the
gambling part?
BILL
She won't blame me for the nudie picks
on your computer.
BRIAN
You wouldn't.
BILL
Just watch me.
THEY STARE DOWN FOR A MOMENT.
JUDY ENTERS.
BILL
So, yeah, the quadratic formula is
quite simple. I don't remember all of
the nuances, but you know... algebra is
more art than science anyway. Oh, hey,
honey!
JUDY
Hey, Bill. You guys still having fun?
BRIAN
(FORCES SMILE) More than I ever imagined.
JUDY
Great. Lauren and I are going to go out
and have some fun, too.
LAUREN ENTERS. HER FACE IS THAT OF PURE DISGUST. SHE WALKS OUT
THE DOOR AS JUDY OPENS IT.
JUDY
We're having a blast.
JUDY EXITS.
BILL FINDS THE PHONE.
BILL
Okay, I just need to call the bank and
put a hold on the account.
THE PHONE RINGS IN BILL'S HAND.
BILL
(INTO PHONE) Hello? Oh, hi, I was just
about to call you guys. Yeah, one of
the kids got a hold of our bank card
and did something crazy on the computer.
BRIAN
He should have had twos.
BILL
(INTO PHONE) Uh huh.... yeah... The
mortgage? Automatic payment?... right...
That sounds bad. How do I fix it?...
Got it. Thanks.
BILL HANGS UP THE PHONE.
BILL
Good news: we might be moving.
BRIAN
You know, Dad. If we take out a cash
advance on the credit card, I bet I can
double our money in no time.
BILL
Take it easy, Tex. I just need to fill
out some paperwork. I'm going to go to
the bank now. Try not to get any of our
cars repossessed, okay.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY
JUDY TAKES A SEAT. STARES AT AN ICY GLARE FROM PRINCIPAL BAXTER.
PRINCIPAL
Welcome back, Mrs. Miller.
JUDY
(NERVOUS) Hi. (FIDGETING) You cut
your hair.
PRINCIPAL
You like it?
JUDY
Looks nice.
PRINCIPAL
I'm not sure if you know why I called
you in here today.
JUDY
Oh, I might have an idea.
PRINCIPAL
Look, I know we've had our disagreements
in the past, but I think we all just
want to do what's best for Lauren.
JUDY
Look, the phone was a gift. I'm sure
Lauren was just excited and wanted to
show off to everybody.
PRINCIPAL
Judy, this is what we like to call a
cry for help.
JUDY
It's just a phone. According to TIME,
they're becoming quite popular.
PRINCIPAL
Not the phone, Judy. I think--
THE PRINCIPAL LOOKS AROUND AND LOWERS HER VOICE.
PRINCIPAL
We think Lauren may be involved with
somebody in the adult film industry.
JUDY LAUGHS.
PRINCIPAL
This is serious.
JUDY
Yes. Yes, of course. You think that
picture was of my daughter?
PRINCIPAL
These things can happen even under the
best circumstances. A kid wants
attention. They meet the wrong person.
JUDY STIFLES HER LAUGHTER.
JUDY
Maybe she's on drugs.
PRINCIPAL
Lord, I hope not. Such a sweet girl.
JUDY
Umm, Mrs. Baxter. I have a confession
to make.
PRINCIPAL
Oh no. You're in the business, too,
aren't you?
JUDY
(GASPS) No! (THINKS ABOUT IT) But, I
could be. -- Anyway, what I meant to
say is that I accidentally sent a
picture of my sister to Lauren. That's
what she was caught with.
PRINCIPAL
Why do you have naked pictures of your
sister?
JUDY
(SERIOUS) You know, that's a personal
family matter and I'm not sure I'm
comfortable discussing it here. Can I
have the phone back?
THE PRINCIPAL IS THOROUGHLY BEWILDERED.
PRINCIPAL
Take it.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
BRIAN SITS ON THE COUCH, PLAYING A CARD GAME WITH HIMSELF. HE
FLIPS OVER A FEW CARDS.
BRIAN
Dammit!
BILL ENTERS.
BRIAN
Dad. How did it go?
BILL
Not as well as I'd hoped. They can stop
the payment to the casino, but I need
your mother's signature on this form
because it's a joint account.
BRIAN
And, they wouldn't fall for your
forgery of Mom's signature?
BILL
It's these damn hands. They've been
writing "Bill" for so long that trying
to do anything else just comes out
silly. They also caught me paying the
Security Guard to give it a try.
BRIAN
You bribed a security guard?
BILL
I was paying her for services rendered.
BRIAN
So, does this mean you're going to tell
Mom that we lost the house payment
gambling?
BILL
What's this "we" business? I'm not the
one who doubled down on a pair of jacks.
BRIAN
Dad, you can't tell her about the
pictures. She'll want to put me in
therapy or something.
BILL
Don't worry, I have one more idea.
HE HANDS BRIAN THE FORM.
BILL
Sign this.
BRIAN
Me? I'm not going to forge Mom's
signature. They'd still know it was a
fake.
BILL
Brian, there's not easy way to tell you
this: you write like a girl.
BRIAN
I do not!
BILL POINTS TO A BACK WALL.
BILL
Do you see those awards for penmanship?
Do you need me to tell you how many you
have?
BRIAN
There is nothing wrong with having
legible hand-writing.
BILL
Will you sign it?
BRIAN
(GRUDGINGLY) Let me go practice.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
JUDY AND LAUREN ENTER.
JUDY
Look on the bright side. Now you've got
a crazy aunt you can make fun of in
school.
LAUREN
I guess that's better than everybody
making fun of you and dad.
JUDY
Um... yeah.
LAUREN
Thanks for getting my phone back, Mom.
JUDY
You're welcome. I'll let you have it in
a week.
LAUREN
What?!
JUDY
I told you not to use the phone in
class. If you'd waited until after
school, this never would have happened.
LAUREN
That is so not cool.
JUDY
You want to see pictures I have of your
dad?
LAUREN
A week sounds good. Thanks, Mom.
LAUREN EXITS.
JUDY
I am so cool.
JUDY WALKS INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
BRIAN PRACTICES SIGNATURES ON A PIECE OF PAPER.
JUDY
Whatcha doin' Brian?
BRIAN
(STARTLED) Nothing.
JUDY
Are you practicing your handwriting again?
BRIAN
You can never be too neat.
JUDY
Uh huh. Look, Brian. I need to talk to
you about something you may hear about
at school tomorrow. It's about... adult
materials.
BRIAN
What! Dad told you? Wait, he told the
school?
JUDY REALIZES THERE IS A STORY IN HERE SOMEWHERE.
JUDY
Not the school. He just told me.
BRIAN
Mom, it's not a big deal, really. I
just have a few dirty pictures on my
computer. It's perfectly natural for a
boy my age to be curious.
JUDY
You have naked pictures on your computer?
BRIAN
Yes. You said Dad told you.
JUDY
Of course he did. Naked pictures... of
women?
BRIAN
Yeah.
JUDY MOVES OVER AND PUTS BRIAN INTO A BIG HUG, JUST LIKE BILL
EARLIER.
JUDY
My little boy is growing up. I'm so happy.
BRIAN
Wait. Dad didn't tell you?
JUDY
No. But I know now. What secret are you
keeping for him?
BRIAN
I can't tell you. Dad kept his word.
JUDY
I have naked pictures of your Aunt Linda.
BRIAN
He made me gamble online and we lost
all of the mortgage money on a bet. You
see, I thought the guy had twos, but he
actually had three Aces. I've been
doing some linear regressions and I
think what happened is I miscalculated
the probability of there being a full
hou--
JUDY
Your dad lost the mortgage payment?
BRIAN
Well, technically, I lost it. But, I
think it would be better if you got mad
at him.
JUDY
Why don't I get mad at the both of you?
This is terrible.
BRIAN
Oh, Dad has a form from the bank to fix
it, but he needs your signature.
BRIAN SHOWS HER HIS PAPER.
BRIAN
I've been practicing.
JUDY
You were going to forge my signature?
BRIAN
Well, Dad says I write like a girl.
JUDY
Yeah, you kind of do.
BRIAN
Thanks, Mom.
BILL COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.
BILL
Okay, Rain Man, let's see those
signatures. I want to get this finished
before your mother gets ho...
HE SEES JUDY.
BRIAN
I think I'll go to my room.
BRIAN EXITS.
BILL
Hey, honey. How's it going with Lauren?
JUDY
Well, I've managed to keep her off the
streets for another day. What about you
and Brian?
BILL
You know, it's not as easy as it looks.
JUDY
I hear we might lose our house.
BILL
Now, be fair. I told him to wager with
his college fund. He just got the
accounts confused.
JUDY
Bill!
BILL
You're right. I'm sorry. I was actually
having fun hanging out with Brian, and
I guess we got carried away. I've
already talked to the bank. We just
have to fill out this paperwork and
it'll be okay.
HE HANDS HER THE PAPER.
JUDY
What's this say?
BILL
That our check card was stolen at the
mall.
JUDY READS.
JUDY
By a group of teenagers with bad haircuts?
BILL
And terrible hygiene.
JUDY SIGHS.
JUDY
Okay. That works for me.
Still Standing - "Still Connected" By: Heath G. Miller 48.
TAG
INT. BRIAN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
BILL AND JUDY SIT AT THE COMPUTER.
BILL
What do you think of that one?
JUDY
Wow. We haven't tried that since we had
Lauren.
BILL
Yeah, the second kid really took away
some of your flexibility.
JUDY
Well, we can try to work our way back
into playing shape.
SHE GIVES BILL A KISS. THEY MAKE A FEW "FRISKY" NOISES AS BILL
CLICKS THROUGH MORE PICTURES.
BRIAN SITS UP IN HIS BED.
BRIAN
You guys! I'm trying to sleep.
FADE OUT.
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