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Sleeping In

By H.G. Miller

Two weeks into my new job and thereís one thing I know for sure: Man, do I miss sleeping in.

Honestly, is there anything in the world that beats finishing off your morning leak, stumbling back into the bedroom and crashing under the covers?

Itís warm and safe and I donít care if the workers downstairs are pounding the crap out of some windows they painted shut last week, dammit I donít want to move!

Getting up has never been easy for me. Even as a kid, my mom knew that sheíd have to walk into my room, pull back the covers and threaten me with a bucket of ice water before Iíd finally trudge downstairs for some breakfast before school.

I have my clock radio set ten minutes fast, so as to trick myself into thinking there isnít much time, and Iíd better get a move on. Problem is, I know Iíve got my clock set early, so I end up figuring out what time it really is, how much more time that gives me, and what time I should look for on the clock to really get out of bed at the last possible momentÖ and that makes me tired, man.

Thatís a lot of thinkiní first thing in the morning.

Of course, Iíve become intimately familiar with the morning program of my favorite rock station. If I can start my stretch right after the sports guy does his shtick and then roll out when the news dude begins yapping, then Iíll still have time for a bowl of cereal before work.

And, what a stretch. You know that really great one where you arch your back and twist your arms and poke your feet into the side of your wife or hooker or whatever? Man, I love that!

In order to break my routine of sleeping right through the news guy, Iíve tried setting my alarm to different radio stations. The results have been mixed:

  • Tejano Ė Such bright, poppy music. Makes me imagine sugary fields of cotton candy with migrant workers smiling at me while I float by on magical clouds of happiness.
  • Classic Rock Ė The songs I fell asleep to as a baby donít do much to get me out of bed now.
  • R&B Ė Beyonce, honeyÖ come back to bed.
  • Country Ė Just because itís the most non-abrasive, mono-twang form of simple chord progressions in the world doesnít mean it canít lift your spirits. My spirits are very happy swirling above my bed while my body continues to rest.
  • Rap Ė That cowbell thing the fat dude with the funny billboards does Ė not cool. But, Iím a determined moífo. I will sleep through this.

    So, like I said, itís been a rough couple of weeks. My new bosses are all weird about paying me if I donít show up, so I have to get out of bed, like, five days a week now. Itís a bummer, but I guess this is part of growing up.

    Someday, Iíll run my own business, and the hours will be something manageable like noon to two. That way I can get home in time for an afternoon nap before I go out.

    Yeah, Iíd better just keep on dreaming.