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Setting up an account with the Franchise Tax Board to pay my taxes, and this is what they wanted to know.

If you could change any feature about yourself what would it be?

Okay, first things first. I don’t mean to be an asshole about this, but can’t you at least make the grammar correct on these things? Add a comma after “yourself” if you want me to take this seriously.

Now, about that feature. I guess it would have to be my rugged good looks. I’ve had too many doors opened just because of the glint in my eye and the dimple in my chin. It’s not fair to everybody else, and I’m a little sick of winning.

If you could choose a different career what would it be?

I’d like to be a blogger that makes money, please. I can’t believe there isn’t a bigger audience for my occassional takes on the queries posed by faceless entites on the internet.

What is the name of your favorite beverage?

Since I’ve been kind of a dick about the comma thing, my payback will be the harsh internet backlash for saying I like whiskey, and not whisky.

What is the name of your favorite cancelled TV show?

To quote my 4-year-old daughter: “What’s a TV show?”

Also, as somebody who regularly watches Family Ties, starring Michael J. Fox, as if it were a show currently airing on network television, I’m not sure I understand the concept of “cancelled” anymore.

What is your favorite board game to play with friends?

I said I watch 80s sitcoms, not live in them.

What was the first name of your first college roommate?

I might remember this if it wasn’t for the whiskey.

What was the name of the park closest to where you grew up?

Is this a thing most people remember? I grew up in Kansas, which is mostly farmland, with an occassional town dropped in. It was sort of all park.

What was the name of the street you grew up on?

I think I’ve answered this before, but we moved around a lot when I was a kid, so I could answer this about six different ways. I don’t want to consult my childhood diary when trying to file my taxes. Can’t I just give you my birthday or something?

Where do you want to travel but probably will never go?

Yikes. That’s a depressing question. It’s bad enough I owe money to the great state of California. You’ve got to rub it in my face all the things I’ll never accomplish in my life, too?

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