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What I Learned This Weekend:

Vegetables can develop personality.

That is, if you leave a half-eaten piece of fruit in the fridge for about six weeks, it will develop anthropomorphic characteristics and scare the crap out of you once you try to dispose of it.

(Quick aside: I spelled anthropomorphic correct on my very first try. It’s past midnight in Denver while I’m typing this and I spent most of my dining allotment on Woodchuck Hard Ciders at the Old Chicago across the street from my hotel. I’m just saying, I’m impressed with myself.)

How the half-eaten tomato made it’s way into the crisper drawer is debatable. I’d like to pin it on my wife, who is the only person in our house to purchase food that doesn’t require thawing in the microwave, but I have been taking advantage of the many new foods in our fridge since she moved in by snacking often.

What is important is that the tomato was missing a large chunk from one side and was not properly sealed. This allowed the many microorganisms floating around in our fridge to latch onto the wound and begin colonizing.

I won’t go into the details of decomposition, because I’m sure most people have had some experiences with the process. As stated earlier, the tomato was left to its own devices for about six weeks in the dark crisper drawer. I found it when looking for something to eat while I watched Perfect Stranger reruns on some local cable station.

The tomato had lost it’s firm, youthful appearance (as we all must) and looked more like the old lady who digs through our trash bin on Sundays. Pasty white and wrinkled. A white foam billowed out of the side that used to have a bite sized hole in it.

This tomato was rabid.

None of that scared me, though. When I picked up the tomato to toss it out, it growled at me. THAT scared me.

I dropped the demon fruit back into the crisper and slammed the drawer shut. I may have also yelped like a little girl, but that is neither here nor there. I had an angry tomato on my hands and it needed to be dealt with.

The good news is that in addition to all sorts of new foods around the house since my marriage, there is also a plethora of culinary devices. I grabbed the first pair of tongs I saw and let them deal with the yipping tomato.

Once it was wrapped up in about eight trash bags, I took it out to the cans our redneck neighbors always leave out on the street. I felt kind of bad for the little guy. He’d finally become self aware and I eliminated him.

I got over it, though. I mean, the bugger put up a good fight, but at the end of the day, it was just a tomato.

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Songs listened to while writing this post: Angry Again/Megadeth; Stronger/Kanye West; Dream On (live)/Aerosmith; I Drink Alone/George Thorogood; My Humps/Alanis Morissette; State of Love and Trust/Pearl Jam

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