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You can’t buy a wedding gift for people who are divorcing.

Let’s face it, life is complicated enough when you find yourself on the outs with your spouse after only six months of marriage. The last thing you need is a set of antique-esque serving spoons to decide the custody of.

Sure, the wife is the one who wanted the spoons in the first place (to compliment the set of shaggy chic serving forks she also registered for), but the husband would have to admit they looked pretty cool and would make a killer addition to the utensil drawer next to his collection of branded bottle openers.

This all came up because my wife and I (who are quite happy, by the way) were a little too busy with our own wedding plans to purchase a gift for her friend’s roommate when she was married just prior to us last year. We knew we had a year to get a gift, and were considering the spoons when her friend told us the couple was already separated and filing paperwork.

Now, I take no joy in winning our bet about when the couple would split (we play by Bob Barker’s rules, closest without going over), but it is true that the only surprising thing about the divorce was that they couldn’t even fake it for a year together.

I mean, I can’t even hear the name “Lonnie” without getting the urge to track down my college roommate and shove those frigging pizza crusts up his nose and into his brain while screaming “do you believe in God now, you filthy pig!” and I still managed to live with the guy for two years before throwing a punch.

Couldn’t two normal people who felt some kind of love for each other at some point in their lives manage to make a marriage work for a few years before the ground gave out? I feel deeply sad for our friend’s roommate and her ex because I don’t think they ever really felt anything but the pressure to get married because enough time had passed since they started dating.

I feel even worse because I think one of them knew it would never work before they ever exchanged vows. Deep down, I’m sure the other also knew the future would not be serene.

I wish them luck as they go their separate ways, hope that they can find peace away from each other, and ponder how rad it would be to have some antique serving spoons propped next to my collection of vintage corkscrews.

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