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COLD OPENING FADE IN: INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING BILL ENTERS. LAUREN JUMPS UP FROM THE COUCH. LAUREN Dad's home! BILL Aw, did you miss me, honey? LAUREN Now, I can open my birthday presents! LAUREN RUNS INTO THE KITCHEN. TINA RUNS DOWN THE STAIRS. TINA Daddy, yeah! BILL There's my little princess. TINA RUNS BY HIM INTO THE KITCHEN. TINA Birthday cake! BILL SIGHS. BILL I need to get a dog. INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS JUDY HAS A CAKE AND PRESENTS LAID OUT. THE FAMILY GATHERS AROUND AS LAUREN RIPS OPEN HER FIRST PACKAGE. JUDY That's your big gift, Lauren. Are you sure you want to open it first? BRIAN PUTS HIS HAND UP TO STOP LAUREN. BRIAN Just remember, this moment right now is the best your life will ever get. LAUREN FINISHES OPENING THE PACKAGE. SQUEALS. LAUREN A cell phone! Oh my god! BILL WALKS IN. BILL Sounds like she likes it. LAUREN Mom and Dad, you're the best. SHE GIVES JUDY AND BILL BIG HUGS. BRIAN READS THE PACKAGE. BRIAN Wow, this is the Nokuma 365i. You can find your exact coordinates from a global positioning system. It even takes pictures with 5 megapixel resolution. This is really high-tech, Dad. BILL Yeah. I picked out the color. Pretty blue, don't you think? LAUREN I love it. I'm going to call everyone I know. SHE STARTS DIALING AND WALKS OUT OF THE KITCHEN. JUDY What about your other gifts? BRIAN It's probably going to be a few days before she calms down. LAUREN (OS) Can you believe it? Oh my god, tell Tammy. No, wait. Let me call Tammy... BILL I guess this means we can return the rest of the gifts. BRIAN Is there anything good I can steal? JUDY TOSSES A PACKAGE TO BRIAN. JUDY You want a matching set of bra and panties? HE DROPS THE BOX LIKE IT'S ON FIRE. BRIAN I can't believe you just let me touch that. BILL You should try the panties sometimes, son. They're really quite comfortable. BRIAN STARES AT BILL FOR A MOMENT. BRIAN You know, Dad. One of these days, I'm not going to know if you're joking or not. BILL Suit yourself. LAUREN COMES BACK INTO THE KITCHEN. STILL ON THE PHONE. LAUREN ...and then I'm going to call Bobby and then I'm going to call Kelly, or maybe Burke. Who do you think I should call first? Of course I called you first. SHE PUTS HER HAND OVER THE MOUTHPIECE AND ROLLS HER EYES. WALKS BACK OUT. TINA Can I cut the cake? I want to eat a piece before it's my birthday. CUT TO: MAIN TITLES ACT ONE INT. KITCHEN - MORNING THE CLAN EATS BREAKFAST. LAUREN I still can't believe you guys got me a cell phone. JUDY It's what you said you wanted. LAUREN You're so cool. BILL And, it was on sale. JUDY Just pretend you didn't hear that, honey. LAUREN OBSESSIVELY PUNCHES IN NUMBERS. LAUREN What? Sorry, Mom, I was sending a text message to my friend, Jamie. JUDY Oh. No problem. Tell Jamie I said hi. LAUREN (SARCASTIC) Yeah right, Mom. BRIAN ENTERS. BRIAN She's still on that thing? It's like the Energizer Bunny, if he was a pimple-faced loser. LAUREN You'd probably just use it to send messages to your geek friends in the Chemistry club. BILL You're in the chemistry club? BRIAN Yeah. We meet every Thursday, right after the student council. JUDY You're on the student council? BRIAN Don't you remember when I was making all those "vote for Brian" buttons? JUDY I thought that was just a craft project to make you feel good about yourself. JUDY SETS DOWN A PLATE OF FOOD. JUDY Okay, kids. Eat up before school. You need to have a good breakfast to start your day. LAUREN PUSHES THE PLATE ASIDE. KEEPS PUNCHING AWAY AT HER PHONE. BILL Your mother's right, dear. LAUREN Not hungry. BILL GRABS THE PLATE AND EATS A PIECE OF BACON. BILL You just can't argue with kids these days. BRIAN PUSHES HIS PLATE ASIDE. BRIAN I should get going, too. I have a young scientists meeting at the museum. TINA GRABS THE PLATE. TINA Too smart for his own good, I say. SHE GNAWS SOME BACON JUST LIKE BILL. LAUREN AND BRIAN GRAB THEIR BAGS TO LEAVE. JUDY Lauren, honey. Don't forget that we want you to be responsible with the phone. If your grades start to slip or I hear that you're goofing off with it in class, then we'll take it away. LAUREN I know, Mom. I promise to put as much effort into school as you and dad did. BILL Eh... Why don't you try to be more like Brian? LAUREN Because, he's a dork. BILL I love you, honey. I just want to know that all of my kids will have jobs to help pay for your Mom's and mine retirement. BRIAN AND LAUREN EXIT. JUDY Bill, do you think we're losing touch with our kids? BILL No. What makes you say that? JUDY Well, I just watched an entire morning go by without eye contact from any of my offspring. It makes a mother suspicious. BILL Oh, Honey. I'm looking at you. BILL SNUGGLES UP TO JUDY. JUDY You've got some bacon grease on your face, Bill. BILL I thought you liked the taste of bacon, honey. SHE WIPES HIS FACE WITH A TOWEL. JUDY I like it on bacon. (BEAT) I'm serious, Bill. I think this technology is driving the kids away from us. I mean, I don't even know what Brian does in his room all day. BILL Judy, you probably don't want to know what Brian is doing in his room all day. JUDY Stop it. You know he's on that computer all day. Who knows what he's doing. I read an article in TIME the other day that there are all sorts of horrible things on the internet. BILL Judy, those magazines in your office are ancient. The internet probably isn't even around anymore. JUDY I just think we should take a more active role in our children's lives. BILL (SARCASTIC) Yeah, I'm sure they'd love that. JUDY What's that supposed to mean? BILL Nothing. It's just that... no teenager wants their parents nosing around in their life. JUDY Not "nosing." Just... communicating on their level. BILL Well, you'd better leave it up to me, then. We both know I'm the cool parent. JUDY You are not! BILL Come on. Who's the one that wrote that note to get Lauren out of her geometry test? JUDY That was you? BILL REALIZES HE HADN'T TOLD HER ABOUT THIS. BILL Um, no. Lauren forged that. But which parent did she say would have written that note? JUDY I'm just as cool as you. BILL Sure you are, baby. JUDY I'll bet I can make the kids think I'm cooler than you. BILL Let's not get carried away. JUDY SNIFFS THE AIR. JUDY Is that fear? Do I smell an out of touch old man afraid of bonding with his children? BILL Okay, that's enough. You're on. I'll prove to you that I'm more in touch with our kids then you are. TINA TURNS FROM THE TABLE WITH BACON STRIPS PLASTERED ACROSS HER FACE. TINA I'm the amazing bacon girl! JUDY Okay, Bill. You get one point there. INT. BRIAN'S BEDROOM - DAY BRIAN WORKS AT HIS COMPUTER. BILL WALKS INTO THE ROOM. BILL Hey there, buddy boy. BRIAN Buddy boy? BILL Just checking in on my best pal. How's it hanging today? BRIAN Do you mean, how is "it" literally hanging? BILL It's just a saying, son. So, what are you doing home? Don't you have school today? BRIAN Because I'm in the honor program, I get to take flex days when I work ahead in class. BILL Flex days, huh? Yeah, I took a few of them in high school. BRIAN It's a new program. BILL Must be. We didn't work ahead for ours. BRIAN CONTINUES WORKING. BILL NERVOUSLY WATCHES OVER HIM, TRYING TO FIND A CONNECTION. BILL So, is anybody still using that 'internet' thing? BRIAN LOOKS UP, MOMENTARILY STUNNED BY THE QUESTION. BRIAN Um, yeah, Dad. It's probably the number one way to communicate these days. BILL Hmm. How about that. Mind if I take it for a spin? BRIAN Actually, I'm trying to get a little work done. BILL SCOOTS BRIAN OFF THE CHAIR. BILL You worked ahead. Let the old man have some fun. How do I fire this thing up? BRIAN Just click here. BILL That was easy. What is all of this? BRIAN It's my home page. I have links to current news, a daily science fact and some chat groups for the new Star Wars movie. BILL So, even on the internet, they know you're a geek. BRIAN Thanks, Dad. BILL What are these bookmarks? BRIAN Those are other websites that I like to visit. It's mostly research stuff for school. BILL (READING) Natural Science, Mechanical Science, Science and Physics (HE LOOKS TO BRIAN) You've heard of sports, right? BRIAN I was getting to it. The internet's a big place. BILL Hmm, what's this one? BRIAN JUMPS AT THE COMPUTER. BRIAN Not that one! BILL'S EYES LIGHT UP. BILL Well, hello there. BRIAN Oh, God. BILL TURNS TO BRIAN. BILL She's friendly. BRIAN This is so humiliating. BILL STANDS UP AND WALKS OVER TO BRIAN. BILL Son... I don't know what to say about this. BRIAN You're not mad are you? BILL It's hard to explain, Brian. I'm a little choked up. I mean, I've checked your room for girly magazines and I never found any... BRIAN You what? BILL I didn't know it was all... online. I'm just so happy. BILL GIVES BRIAN A VERY BIG, VERY UNCOMFORTABLE BEAR HUG. INT. KITCHEN - DAY JUDY STIRS COFFEE DEJECTEDLY. LINDA ENTERS. LINDA Hey, Judy. JUDY (MELANCHOLY) Hi, Linda. LINDA Ooh, are you going to be all sad right now? I just wanted to get some olive oil. Ian and I are celebrating our three-month anniversary tonight. JUDY Oh, that's sweet. You're going to cook for him? LINDA Not exactly. JUDY Great. Now, I'm sad and grossed out. LINDA What's wrong? JUDY Well, Bill and I were talking today about how we're losing touch with the kids. We got Lauren a cell phone for her birthday, but I think I'm going to hear from her even less. LINDA That's part of growing up, Judy. Kids need to have some space. JUDY Yeah, but I made a bet with Bill that I could connect with the kids better than he could. LINDA You made a bet? JUDY Yeah. LINDA So, this is like better parenting through coercion? JUDY I just want to be a part of my kid's life. Is that so bad? LINDA Okay, if we're trying to beat Bill, then it's great. I have an idea: Why don't you use the cell phone to your advantage? JUDY How? LINDA PULLS OUT HER CELL PHONE. LINDA Check it out. You can send her a picture and a message from my phone. That way you're speaking to her through the technology. JUDY That's a great idea. She'll think I'm so hip. LINDA I don't know if 'hip' is the word you want to use. JUDY How does it work? LINDA HOLDS UP THE PHONE. LINDA Here, I'll take a picture of you. JUDY It takes pictures? LINDA Yeah, Ian and I were fooling around with it the other day. LINDA PUTS THE PHONE DOWN. LINDA He says he might use one of our "love photos" for the cover of his band's next album. JUDY But, his band doesn't record albums. LINDA You can't ruin my fun. JUDY Just take my picture. LINDA SNAPS A PHOTO. LINDA Okay, now say something fun to go with it. SHE HOLDS THE PHONE UP FOR JUDY. JUDY (INTO PHONE) Hey, Lauren. Just wanted to drop you a line on the new phone. Hope you're being good--Oh my god, that's terrible! LINDA It's okay. We'll re-record. Let me clear the last message. Okay, try again. JUDY (INTO PHONE) What's up, Lauren. Um, word. Be cool-- LINDA Why don't we type something. JUDY Great idea. LINDA PUNCHES BUTTONS. LINDA "Lauren. Just trying out the new phone. Pretty cool. Mom." There. Short and simple. She'll know you're reaching out to her, but not trying to hard. JUDY GRABS THE PHONE AND READS THE MESSAGE. JUDY That's great. How do I send it? LINDA Just scroll to your picture and hit the green key. JUDY Okay, here goes. SHE PUSHES THE BUTTON. JUDY Oh no! That's not the photo of me. LINDA What do you mean? SHE TURNS THE PHONE SIDEWAYS. JUDY Is that a Winger tattoo? LINDA You sent her a picture of me! JUDY DROPS THE PHONE. JUDY Ahh! I can't believe I just touched that. (BEAT) Oh my god! I just sent that to Lauren. BILL AND BRIAN ENTER. BRIAN'S FACE IS PASTY WHITE. BILL Sent Lauren what? JUDY Oh, nothing. Linda and I have been sending notes to Lauren with the cell phone. You know, just communicating with my daughter through the new technology. BILL Cool. JUDY How's it going with you and Brian? BILL Great. We're skateboarding on the net like you wouldn't believe, right Brian? BRIAN It's surfing, Dad. BILL GRABS A BEER FROM THE FRIDGE. BILL He's teaching me all the lingo. Want a beer, Bri? BRIAN (TERRIFIED) No! JUDY What are you guys looking at? BRIAN Nothing! BILL Just... guy stuff. Come on, Brian. Let you mom and Linda have fun with the cell phone. BILL ROLLS HIS EYES. JUDY (STRAINED) It's a blast! BILL AND BRIAN EXIT. JUDY LETS OUT A SIGH. JUDY Aw, man. Bill's having a great time with Brian, and Lauren probably won't speak to me again. LINDA PUTS HER HAND ON JUDY'S SHOULDER. LINDA Maybe you should start working on Tina. JUDY Yeah, maybe I'll just buy her some Hustlers. ACT TWO INT. BRIAN'S BEDROOM - DAY BILL IS HAPPILY CLICKING THROUGH PORN ON THE COMPUTER. BILL What do you think of her? I could see your mother in that outfit. BRIAN These are scars that will never heal, Dad. BILL This is the greatest thing ever, Brian. Sports, news, naked women. I may never leave this chair. BRIAN I've always wondered what hell would be like. BILL This mouse is like a remote control... only, like, a thousand times greater. BRIAN You know, you can do practical stuff online, too, Dad. BILL Are you trying to kill my buzz? BRIAN No, it makes life easier. Like paying bills. BILL Paying bills? That's boring. That's like going to Las Vegas to look at the sand. BRIAN Okay, fine. You can gamble, too. BILL Gambling is rigged, son. You can't beat the casino. BRIAN I don't know, Dad. I was reading an article about how playing poker is all about probabilities. If you can keep track of what cards are on the table and remember a few formulas, you actually have a better chance than the other players. BILL SPRINGS UP AND HUSTLES BRIAN TO THE COMPUTER. BILL Show me. BRIAN CLICKS AROUND. FINDS A GAMBLING WEBSITE. BRIAN I'm not saying I can do it, Dad. HE TURNS TO BILL. BRIAN Or that I should. You know, as a minor. Still Standing - "Still Connected" By: Heath G. Miller 26. BILL Brian. This is a chance for your world and my world to come together in a beautiful harmony. Let's gamble. BRIAN We're going to need some money. They're asking for a bank account number. BILL PULLS A CHECKBOOK FROM HIS POCKET. BILL Not a problem. BRIAN I thought mom wouldn't let you touch the money. BILL Son, there are a lot of things your mother says I can't touch. BRIAN And the last innocent image of my mother has vanished. HE PUNCHES A FEW NUMBERS. BRIAN Okay, we're in. BILL STANDS BACK. WIPES A TEAR FROM HIS EYE. BRIAN Dad, are you crying? BILL It's just... the dirty pictures, the gambling... I've never felt so close to you. INT. KITCHEN - DAY JUDY AND LINDA SIT AT THE TABLE. LAUREN ENTERS. JUDY Hi, Honey. How was school today? LAUREN STARES BULLETS. LINDA See anything interesting? THE BULLETS HIT LINDA. JUDY Baby, I know must be so mad at me. You have to believe that it was an accident. LAUREN You just accidentally sent me porn on my cell phone? LINDA Porn is such a strong word. Didn't you think the photo was a little artistic? LAUREN It was porn. Worse, it was old people porn. Do you know how gross that was? LINDA (NERVOUS) How gross was it? LAUREN All of the boys wanted to print it out and take it home. LINDA (PERKING UP) Really? JUDY Okay, Miss December. Get out of here. JUDY SHOVES LINDA OUT THE DOOR. JUDY Lauren. I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? LAUREN You can start by getting my phone back. Principal Baxter thinks I'm some kind of smut peddler and took it away from me. JUDY Oh, that woman is evil. LAUREN You'd better talk to her. JUDY I don't know, honey. They've been pretty mad at us since your father called in that bomb threat to get out of Brian's science fair. LAUREN Fine. If you won't do it, then I'll ask daddy to talk to them. JUDY No! That's okay. You're father doesn't really need to know about this. We'll just keep it a secret between us girls. LAUREN And half the boys in my grade. JUDY Yeah, them too. I'll fix this. I promise. LAUREN Okay, Mom. LAUREN EXITS. JUDY TALKS TO HERSELF. JUDY If only I had some naked pictures of Principal Baxter I could use against her. SHE THINKS ABOUT IT. SHUDDERS. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY BILL RUNS DOWN THE STAIRS. BRIAN FOLLOWS. BRIAN I don't know what happened. He should have had two twos. BILL Well, he had three aces. BRIAN I must have lost track during one of the raises. BILL FRANTICALLY TURNS OVER CUSHIONS ON THE COUCH. BILL Must have. Where is the phone? BRIAN We have to tell Mom. BILL You want to tell your mother you just lost my last two paychecks while gambling online? BRIAN Well... BILL The answer is 'no' Brian. BRIAN But, won't she just blame you for the gambling part? BILL She won't blame me for the nudie picks on your computer. BRIAN You wouldn't. BILL Just watch me. THEY STARE DOWN FOR A MOMENT. JUDY ENTERS. BILL So, yeah, the quadratic formula is quite simple. I don't remember all of the nuances, but you know... algebra is more art than science anyway. Oh, hey, honey! JUDY Hey, Bill. You guys still having fun? BRIAN (FORCES SMILE) More than I ever imagined. JUDY Great. Lauren and I are going to go out and have some fun, too. LAUREN ENTERS. HER FACE IS THAT OF PURE DISGUST. SHE WALKS OUT THE DOOR AS JUDY OPENS IT. JUDY We're having a blast. JUDY EXITS. BILL FINDS THE PHONE. BILL Okay, I just need to call the bank and put a hold on the account. THE PHONE RINGS IN BILL'S HAND. BILL (INTO PHONE) Hello? Oh, hi, I was just about to call you guys. Yeah, one of the kids got a hold of our bank card and did something crazy on the computer. BRIAN He should have had twos. BILL (INTO PHONE) Uh huh.... yeah... The mortgage? Automatic payment?... right... That sounds bad. How do I fix it?... Got it. Thanks. BILL HANGS UP THE PHONE. BILL Good news: we might be moving. BRIAN You know, Dad. If we take out a cash advance on the credit card, I bet I can double our money in no time. BILL Take it easy, Tex. I just need to fill out some paperwork. I'm going to go to the bank now. Try not to get any of our cars repossessed, okay. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY JUDY TAKES A SEAT. STARES AT AN ICY GLARE FROM PRINCIPAL BAXTER. PRINCIPAL Welcome back, Mrs. Miller. JUDY (NERVOUS) Hi. (FIDGETING) You cut your hair. PRINCIPAL You like it? JUDY Looks nice. PRINCIPAL I'm not sure if you know why I called you in here today. JUDY Oh, I might have an idea. PRINCIPAL Look, I know we've had our disagreements in the past, but I think we all just want to do what's best for Lauren. JUDY Look, the phone was a gift. I'm sure Lauren was just excited and wanted to show off to everybody. PRINCIPAL Judy, this is what we like to call a cry for help. JUDY It's just a phone. According to TIME, they're becoming quite popular. PRINCIPAL Not the phone, Judy. I think-- THE PRINCIPAL LOOKS AROUND AND LOWERS HER VOICE. PRINCIPAL We think Lauren may be involved with somebody in the adult film industry. JUDY LAUGHS. PRINCIPAL This is serious. JUDY Yes. Yes, of course. You think that picture was of my daughter? PRINCIPAL These things can happen even under the best circumstances. A kid wants attention. They meet the wrong person. JUDY STIFLES HER LAUGHTER. JUDY Maybe she's on drugs. PRINCIPAL Lord, I hope not. Such a sweet girl. JUDY Umm, Mrs. Baxter. I have a confession to make. PRINCIPAL Oh no. You're in the business, too, aren't you? JUDY (GASPS) No! (THINKS ABOUT IT) But, I could be. -- Anyway, what I meant to say is that I accidentally sent a picture of my sister to Lauren. That's what she was caught with. PRINCIPAL Why do you have naked pictures of your sister? JUDY (SERIOUS) You know, that's a personal family matter and I'm not sure I'm comfortable discussing it here. Can I have the phone back? THE PRINCIPAL IS THOROUGHLY BEWILDERED. PRINCIPAL Take it. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY BRIAN SITS ON THE COUCH, PLAYING A CARD GAME WITH HIMSELF. HE FLIPS OVER A FEW CARDS. BRIAN Dammit! BILL ENTERS. BRIAN Dad. How did it go? BILL Not as well as I'd hoped. They can stop the payment to the casino, but I need your mother's signature on this form because it's a joint account. BRIAN And, they wouldn't fall for your forgery of Mom's signature? BILL It's these damn hands. They've been writing "Bill" for so long that trying to do anything else just comes out silly. They also caught me paying the Security Guard to give it a try. BRIAN You bribed a security guard? BILL I was paying her for services rendered. BRIAN So, does this mean you're going to tell Mom that we lost the house payment gambling? BILL What's this "we" business? I'm not the one who doubled down on a pair of jacks. BRIAN Dad, you can't tell her about the pictures. She'll want to put me in therapy or something. BILL Don't worry, I have one more idea. HE HANDS BRIAN THE FORM. BILL Sign this. BRIAN Me? I'm not going to forge Mom's signature. They'd still know it was a fake. BILL Brian, there's not easy way to tell you this: you write like a girl. BRIAN I do not! BILL POINTS TO A BACK WALL. BILL Do you see those awards for penmanship? Do you need me to tell you how many you have? BRIAN There is nothing wrong with having legible hand-writing. BILL Will you sign it? BRIAN (GRUDGINGLY) Let me go practice. INT. KITCHEN - DAY JUDY AND LAUREN ENTER. JUDY Look on the bright side. Now you've got a crazy aunt you can make fun of in school. LAUREN I guess that's better than everybody making fun of you and dad. JUDY Um... yeah. LAUREN Thanks for getting my phone back, Mom. JUDY You're welcome. I'll let you have it in a week. LAUREN What?! JUDY I told you not to use the phone in class. If you'd waited until after school, this never would have happened. LAUREN That is so not cool. JUDY You want to see pictures I have of your dad? LAUREN A week sounds good. Thanks, Mom. LAUREN EXITS. JUDY I am so cool. JUDY WALKS INTO THE LIVING ROOM. INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS BRIAN PRACTICES SIGNATURES ON A PIECE OF PAPER. JUDY Whatcha doin' Brian? BRIAN (STARTLED) Nothing. JUDY Are you practicing your handwriting again? BRIAN You can never be too neat. JUDY Uh huh. Look, Brian. I need to talk to you about something you may hear about at school tomorrow. It's about... adult materials. BRIAN What! Dad told you? Wait, he told the school? JUDY REALIZES THERE IS A STORY IN HERE SOMEWHERE. JUDY Not the school. He just told me. BRIAN Mom, it's not a big deal, really. I just have a few dirty pictures on my computer. It's perfectly natural for a boy my age to be curious. JUDY You have naked pictures on your computer? BRIAN Yes. You said Dad told you. JUDY Of course he did. Naked pictures... of women? BRIAN Yeah. JUDY MOVES OVER AND PUTS BRIAN INTO A BIG HUG, JUST LIKE BILL EARLIER. JUDY My little boy is growing up. I'm so happy. BRIAN Wait. Dad didn't tell you? JUDY No. But I know now. What secret are you keeping for him? BRIAN I can't tell you. Dad kept his word. JUDY I have naked pictures of your Aunt Linda. BRIAN He made me gamble online and we lost all of the mortgage money on a bet. You see, I thought the guy had twos, but he actually had three Aces. I've been doing some linear regressions and I think what happened is I miscalculated the probability of there being a full hou-- JUDY Your dad lost the mortgage payment? BRIAN Well, technically, I lost it. But, I think it would be better if you got mad at him. JUDY Why don't I get mad at the both of you? This is terrible. BRIAN Oh, Dad has a form from the bank to fix it, but he needs your signature. BRIAN SHOWS HER HIS PAPER. BRIAN I've been practicing. JUDY You were going to forge my signature? BRIAN Well, Dad says I write like a girl. JUDY Yeah, you kind of do. BRIAN Thanks, Mom. BILL COMES DOWN THE STAIRS. BILL Okay, Rain Man, let's see those signatures. I want to get this finished before your mother gets ho... HE SEES JUDY. BRIAN I think I'll go to my room. BRIAN EXITS. BILL Hey, honey. How's it going with Lauren? JUDY Well, I've managed to keep her off the streets for another day. What about you and Brian? BILL You know, it's not as easy as it looks. JUDY I hear we might lose our house. BILL Now, be fair. I told him to wager with his college fund. He just got the accounts confused. JUDY Bill! BILL You're right. I'm sorry. I was actually having fun hanging out with Brian, and I guess we got carried away. I've already talked to the bank. We just have to fill out this paperwork and it'll be okay. HE HANDS HER THE PAPER. JUDY What's this say? BILL That our check card was stolen at the mall. JUDY READS. JUDY By a group of teenagers with bad haircuts? BILL And terrible hygiene. JUDY SIGHS. JUDY Okay. That works for me. Still Standing - "Still Connected" By: Heath G. Miller 48. TAG INT. BRIAN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT BILL AND JUDY SIT AT THE COMPUTER. BILL What do you think of that one? JUDY Wow. We haven't tried that since we had Lauren. BILL Yeah, the second kid really took away some of your flexibility. JUDY Well, we can try to work our way back into playing shape. SHE GIVES BILL A KISS. THEY MAKE A FEW "FRISKY" NOISES AS BILL CLICKS THROUGH MORE PICTURES. BRIAN SITS UP IN HIS BED. BRIAN You guys! I'm trying to sleep. FADE OUT.