Old Man, Dumb Blonde
By H.G. Miller
We had to write a scene with two standard-issue characters. I chose an old man and a dumb blonde.
INT. SHADY ACRES RETIREMENT HOME - DAY
Jill brings Jack a glass of milk.
JILL
Happy Wednesday, Mr. Hefenugle.
JACK
It's Hefnagle, you twit.
JILL
Twists my tongue every time.
JACK
A man lives 80 years, you think
he's earned the right to have his
family name pronounced correctly.
JILL
I brought you your low-fat Lactaid,
just how you like it.
JACK
Can't you just call it milk?
JILL
Now now, mister, you know how gassy
real milk makes you. That banana
Nesquik you snuck from the
refrigerator forced the resignation
of two orderlies.
JACK
Yeah, I knew you'd rat me out on
that one. We had a word for blabber
mouths like you in my day.
JILL
My mom says I would have been
called an angel during any time in
history.
JACK
Dead. That's what we'd call you. If
you had been with us when we
stormed the beaches at Normandie,
they'd have shot you in the back
for the good of the platoon.
JILL
Oh, I don't go to the beach. Tan
lines and skin cancer, ugh. I'm
trying to be an actress and good
skin is important. You know, I
spend three hours every day making
sure I don't smile so I don't have
lines later in life.
JACK
Isn't that what that Mary Kay crap
is for? You certainly don't seem
afraid of make up. There's enough
caked on you some days to cover up
three or four of them transvestite
hookers from East Hollywood.
JILL
I only put on a little make up when
I'm going out with my boyfriend,
and I only use the Martha Stewart
line of all-natural, hypo-
allergenic creams with aloe and yak
butter components.
JACK
Blondie, the only thing that gets
me to sleep at night is knowing
that someday you're going to be as
old and wrinkled as I am.
JILL
That's not true. The other nurses
say you never sleep through the
night. Why, you're just like a
newborn baby.
JACK
If I had the strength, I'd wrap my
hands around your neck right now.
JILL
Oh, that's sweet. Hey, would you
mind helping me learn my lines for
an audition?
JACK
Will you wheel me over by the TV so
I can watch Judge Judy and ignore
you?
JILL
It's a deal. Here!
She hands him a script.
JILL
Okay, here's the scene: You're the
warden at an all-girl prison in the
Arizona desert. I'm a new inmate
who refuses to play by the rules. I
keep shirking the dress code by
ripping my shirt and pants to show
off my taught belly and shapely
legs. I think I rub oil on myself a
few times, too.
Jack's jaw is on the floor.
JACK
Go on.
JILL
That's it. You just have to read
the lines that say "warden" in
front of them. You're about to
punish me.
JACK
If I'm the warden, I don't think I
punish that kind of behavior.
JILL
Well, duh, silly. It's a movie.
It's not like it's real or
anything. Have you seen Legally
Blonde? Reese Witherspoon would
never be something as boring as a
lawyer in real life.
JACK
You're just pretending to be a
stripper. I get it. You know, in my
younger days, me and my platoon
mate Johnny Gomez would go to this
Korean Massage place in the city.
The girls there would treat us like
kings -- dancing and taking off
their kimonos. Why, if I'd asked
for a glass of milk there, a young
asian lass would bring it in a jug
and pour it into my mouth from
between her legs.
He stares longingly at his glass of Lactaid.
JILL
You know, I don't see any of that
in my script. Are you sure you're
on the right page?
JACK
What kind of movie is this? Don't
they make family comedies with
talking dogs anymore?
JILL
My friend Mark says this is what's
called a 'skin flick.' He says I
won't have to be a very good actor
to get the part, but I think it's
important to practice my craft
anyway.
JACK
You know, that Andy Rooney really
knew how to act before he started
selling insurance.
JILL
Mark says that if I do well in a
few of these smaller budget movies,
then I'll get to move on to the big
blockbusters. I bet I get to meet
that talking dog.
JACK
You know, dearie. I might need a
bag full of Viagra to get an
erection and a few ounces of
marijuana to clear up this
glaucoma, but I can see that this
might not be the most reputable of
movies.
JILL
Wow, you know where to get pot?
That's so cool!
Jack gives up. Opens his script.
JACK
So, I'm the warden?
FADE OUT.