|
|
||
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. OFFICE - DAY - D1
PAM enters. Pulls off her coat and scarf as she sits down.
Picks up the phone and starts checking messages.
ANGLE ON: A CAT walks across Pam's desk. She looks up at the
cat. Looks to her right and sees a GOAT eating paper.
Pam looks at the camera.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
I had a terrible appointment this
morning and forgot that it was pet
day. So, yeah, things probably aren't
going to get any better.
A SHEEP's BLEAT is heard off screen.
END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. OFFICE - DAY 1
KELLY leans over to pet a cat. It HISSES at her and attacks
her hair.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
Bring your pet to work day. I don't
know where I come up with these ideas.
ANGLE ON: Phyllis walks past Pam's desk with a parakeet in a
cage.
KEVIN enters with a SMALL POODLE.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
Michael holds up a copy of Small Business Monthly.
MICHAEL
Small Business Monthly. "Best
Companies to Work For." Number three,
Initech, allows their employees to
bring dogs into the office. If dogs
make you number three, then all pets
should make you even better.
ANGLE ON: Andy entering with a fish bowl. Trips and spills it
on the floor. Frantically starts trying to get the fish back
in the bowl.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Now, I don't have a pet -- my condo
won't allow it -- so I decided to do
something a little "out of the box" --
which is how the number two and number
six companies think -- and I went to
the petting zoo and rented this little
guy for the day.
ANGLE ON: Goat starts chomping at mini blinds.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
They didn't have a lion, which is what
I wanted. But, he'll do. Of course, I
had to pay for a handler to come and
spend the day here.
REVEAL: A TRAINER in colorful costume pulls at goat. Stands
behind Michael.
TRAINER
Is that computer just for you?
MICHAEL
All mine.
TRAINER
That's so cool.
INT. OFFICE - D1
MEREDITH walks in with a hamster cage.
PAM
Hi, Meredith. How cute. You brought in
your kid's hamster for pet day?
MEREDITH
What's pet day?
PAM
Today's pet day.
(as to a child)
That's why you brought in your
hamster.
MEREDITH
No. My kids brought it home from
school and it's either fess up to the
crime or get rid of it. I thought
somebody might want to buy it.
CREED peers into the cage.
CREED
Not meaty enough.
INT. OFFICE - ACCOUNTING AREA - D1
Kevin sits down with his poodle on his lap. OSCAR gets
excited.
OSCAR
Oh my God. Where on earth did you get
an albino Burmese poodle?
KEVIN
Please don't make eye contact. Lacey
gets agitated if she feels like she's
being threatened.
Oscar laughs.
KEVIN (CONT'D)
No gums.
OSCAR
I've heard these little guys can be
feisty.
KEVIN
She's very moody. I bought her after
my girlfriend left me. I have to clean
up her poo, but otherwise, it's about
the same.
INT. OFFICE - FRONT DESK - D1
JIM enters and leans over Pam's desk.
JIM
Hey.
Pam doesn't respond. Focused on her work. Jim waves a hand in
front of her face.
JIM (CONT'D)
Um, hey?
PAM
Oh, hi.
JIM
Hi there. You took off early today.
PAM
I'm sorry. I had a dentist
appointment. Forgot to tell you.
JIM
Let's see 'em.
PAM
(distracted)
See what?
JIM
The teeth.
PAM
Oh. Right.
Pam SMILES awkwardly.
JIM
Got to get on your game today,
Beasley.
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1
RYAN is on the SPEAKERPHONE.
RYAN (O.S.)
Michael. I haven't seen those
evaluation forms. You know they're due
today.
Michael stuffs a ball under his jacket and pretends to have a
hump.
MICHAEL
(slurping)
Yes, master. I do your bidding. Thy
will be done.
RYAN (O.S.)
Michael. Are you pretending to be
Quasimodo or a Civil War era slave?
MICHAEL
Um. Quasimodo.
RYAN (O.S.)
Stop it.
MICHAEL
Would you prefer--
RYAN (O.S.)
No. I need those forms.
MICHAEL
I'm just going over some final details
with Toby.
RYAN (O.S.)
Toby said he helped you fill out all
the forms two weeks ago.
Michael rolls his eyes.
MICHAEL
Well, I want to review them one more
time.
Michael gives a dirty look out his window.
ANGLE ON: TOBY talking with Jim.
TOBY TALKING HEAD
TOBY
Yeah. It was really warm in Costa
Rica. Plus, I ran out of money.
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1
MICHAEL
I'm not sure I understand why you need
me to give a letter grade to every
employee in the branch, anyway.
RYAN (O.S.)
I told you, we need to identify who
the weakest performers are. This is to
help them. We need the weak links to
start stepping up.
RYAN TALKING HEAD
RYAN wears an African Flag doo rag on his head, and a black
tunic.
RYAN
Going to prison was the best thing for
me. You really get to learn from some
of the greatest business minds there
are. This grading technique is
something Martha Stewart adapted from
a Japanese war manual. You find the
weakest link and crush it.
He SNAPS a pencil in his hand. Laughs it off.
RYAN (CONT'D)
I already know that Michael is the
weakest link. But, I'm okay if he
picks Jim.
INT. OFFICE - D1
DWIGHT enters with a cage. Sits down.
Jim looks in the cage. Shakes his head.
DWIGHT
What?
JIM
I'm a little disappointed. I was
expecting great things from you today
and you show up with a pet squirrel.
DWIGHT
I'll have you know this is South
African sniper ferret. It's a natural
born killer and would probably bite
the head off of any squirrel that got
in its way.
JIM
(mocking)
Really.
DWIGHT
And, I'm teaching him kung-fu.
Jim mouths "thank you" to the sky.
JIM
(to ferret)
Hey there, fella. Does Uncle Dwight
make you dress like a ninja?
DWIGHT
Ninjas aren't real. And it doesn't
matter. He's been trained to answer
only to me.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Of course there are ninjas. I can't
let Jim know that, though.
Dwight looks around suspiciously.
DWIGHT (CONT'D)
(whispering)
I have been developing an advanced
weapons system for my ferret to use.
Once he's fully trained, I'm hoping to
get a contract with the government to
carry out assassination missions.
Nobody would ever suspect a ferret.
Dwight holds up the ferret sporting He-Man gear. Smirks.
INT. KITCHEN - D1
Andy refills his fish bowl. His fish is in a small plastic
water cup on the counter.
ANDY
This is Poindexter. I picked him up
this morning. He was only eight cents.
The bowl and rocks and stuff cost
about thirty dollars, but he's my new
best friend, so I want to take care of
him.
Andy notices the fish isn't moving in the plastic cup.
ANDY (CONT'D)
Hmm. That doesn't look good.
He taps the cup a few times.
INT. OFFICE - JIM & DWIGHT'S DESKS - D1
Dwight feeds his ferret from a baby bottle.
JIM
Hey, Dwight. Do you think I can use
some of your milk to feed my pet?
DWIGHT
No!
JIM
Just a sip.
DWIGHT
This is not milk. It's a mix of
protein and natural beet extract, with
a little coconut milk for texture.
JIM
My guy's just a little thirsty, that's
all.
Jim pulls out a PET ROCK. It is painted like Dwight. He sets
it on the desk.
DWIGHT
That is not a pet. That is a rock.
JIM
Quiet. You'll hurt his feelings.
DWIGHT
It's a rock. It doesn't have feelings.
JIM
I named it Dwight after my favorite
beet farmer.
DWIGHT
I am flattered, but that is still a
rock.
JIM
Suit yourself.
(to rock)
I don't know why he won't acknowledge
you. Maybe there's some shady history
you're just too young to understand.
DWIGHT
There's no shady history! I had
nothing to do with that rock. You
painted the face. It's your rock!
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1
ANGLE ON: Creed opens the window by his desk.
A PIGEON flies in and alights on his arm. He gives it some
feed. Pulls a five dollar bill from a holder tied to the
bird's leg.
CREED TALKING HEAD
CREED
I put a note asking for five dollars
for some food. Works like a charm. The
trick is to not get too greedy. People
will not give ten dollars to a bird.
INT. OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - D1
The animal trainer gets a cup of coffee. Jim is buying Pam a
soda.
TRAINER
Is this coffee free?
JIM
Yup. Help yourself.
TRAINER
Awesome!
He drinks half the cup. Refills and walks out.
JIM
I wish I could be that excited about
being here.
PAM
Maybe you should get a goat.
JIM
Nah. You'll do.
Jim smiles. Pam doesn't laugh.
JIM (CONT'D)
Hey. I'm just kidding.
PAM
No. Now you're in trouble.
JIM
Well, since I'm already in trouble. Do
I really need to go to the art show
thing on Sunday?
PAM
Really? Come on. It's for my teacher.
I'm trying to show her some support.
JIM
You can't stand her.
PAM
She knows a lot of people. Maybe I can
get into a few more shows through her.
JIM
It's just, I was going to do my
fantasy football draft on Sunday.
PAM
You know what? Fine. Just let me know
when you will and won't be there for
me. I'll try to plan ahead.
She storms out.
Jim looks to the camera.
INT. OFFICE - ANNEX - D1
The goat trainer hits on Kelly.
TRAINER
So, you sit back here and answer the
phone all day?
KELLY
All day. Well, not like all day.
Sometimes I make coffee. And I shop
online a lot.
TRAINER
It's just so clean in here. And it
smells nice.
KELLY
Thanks.
She smiles seductively.
KELLY (CONT'D)
So, tell me more about the wild
animals you have to tame.
TRAINER
Have you ever seen a rabid sheep?
INT. OFFICE - FRONT DESK - CONTINUOUS - D1
Michael waves at Pam.
MICHAEL
Pam, get in here. I need you to take
some notes for me.
Pam sighs. Grabs her notepad and walks over.
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1
Michael feeds the goat his stapler.
MICHAEL
(giggling)
This thing will eat anything.
The goat turns away from the stapler.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Okay. Doesn't like the stapler. But
you like paper, don't you. Yeah,
here's some more paper.
Michael grabs papers from his desk without paying attention.
PAM
Aren't those our evaluation forms?
MICHAEL
Pam, don't be silly. I wouldn't feed
the goat your evaluation forms.
Michael checks the paper going to the goat.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
These are... the rough drafts of your
evaluations.
He starts pulling pieces of paper away from the goat.
PAM
Do you need some tape?
MICHAEL
I need you to take this away.
He shoves the goat towards her.
PAM
What about taking notes?
MICHAEL
I have a very important call.
Michael picks up his phone. Holds it BACKWARDS against his
ear.
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1
Pam walks out with the goat.
PAM
(to goat)
How fast can you type?
ANGELA sees Pam with the goat. Rolls her eyes.
ANGELA TALKING HEAD
ANGELA
I would never bring my kittens to a
place with such moral depravity as
this. Every day, before I leave for
work, I tape a passage of scripture by
their water bowl. I know they'll get
into heaven.
INT. OFFICE - JIM & DWIGHT'S DESKS - D1
Dwight stares at Jim's pet rock.
The rock stares back.
INT. OFFICE - ANNEX - D1
Michael walks back to Toby's desk.
MICHAEL
Toby. Hi.
TOBY
Hi, Michael.
MICHAEL
No pet today?
TOBY
You said I couldn't participate in
office events because I was a part of
corporate.
Michael looks at the camera awkwardly.
MICHAEL
Me? Phsaw. No way. What kind of pet do
you have?
TOBY
Well, my wife got the cat in the
divorce. I got the dog. He ran away
though.
MICHAEL
(aside)
Can't say that I blame him.
TOBY
I've been a little lonely.
MICHAEL
Man. You are... depressing.
TOBY
Why are you here, Michael? Did you
send the evaluation forms to Ryan yet?
MICHAEL
Yeah! Of course I did. On their way. I
just wanted to see if you...
TOBY
You want me to help you, Michael?
MICHAEL
No. No way. Have a good time playing
with yourself.
INT. OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - D1
Oscar and Kevin get coffee.
OSCAR
So, you take her to shows.
KEVIN
We've placed well in several local
contests. I think she has the talent
to go all the way.
Andy enters with a NEW FISH in a plastic bag.
ANDY
(re: dog)
She's a real beaut.
KEVIN
Thanks.
Andy pets Kevin's dog. Caresses it in a creepy way.
ANDY
Such a lovely creature. I had a dog,
but we had to put her to sleep because
of an allergy.
OSCAR
You put a dog to sleep because of
allergies?
ANDY
Well, he also had rabies.
He looks out the window.
ANGLE ON: Angela sees Andy with the fish. Sneers.
ANDY (CONT'D)
So sad.
Andy leaves crying.
OSCAR
So. Are you thinking maybe Westminster
one of these days?
KEVIN
That's our goal.
OSCAR
I'd love to go with you.
Awkward silence as Kevin stares at Oscar.
OSCAR (CONT'D)
You know. If you ever make it.
KEVIN
We'll make it. We don't play to lose.
KEVIN TALKING HEAD
KEVIN
Oscar and I are getting along really
well right now.
(beat)
I think I might be gay.
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1
Michael calls Ryan on the speaker phone. Pam takes notes.
RYAN (O.S.)
This is Ryan.
MICHAEL
My main man. How's it going?
RYAN (V.O.)
Good, Michael. What do you want?
MICHAEL
Just wanted to rap. Run some things by
you. Get a vibe off of the top dog.
RYAN (V.O.)
I'm very busy. Why haven't you sent me
the evaluation forms yet?
MICHAEL
I'm working on it.
RYAN (O.S.)
Michael. You know that everybody's
raises depend on those forms. If you
don't turn them in, then the Scranton
office will not get raises this year.
Pam looks up.
PAM
Is that true?
RYAN (V.O.)
Who is that?
MICHAEL
Nobody. It's just Pam.
Pam looks dejected.
RYAN (O.S.)
Good. Pam, let everybody know their
raises depend on Michael getting me
these evaluation forms.
MICHAEL
You don't need to tell them that.
Look, Ry-dog. I was just curious if
the situation would be different if
something out of the ordinary
happened.
RYAN (O.S.)
Define out of the ordinary.
MICHAEL
Oh, I don't know. What if a goat ate
the forms?
RYAN (O.S.)
Why would a goat eat the forms?
MICHAEL
No reason. They were just out.
RYAN (O.S.)
You have a goat in the office?
MICHAEL
No! No goat. Maybe a dog ate them?
RYAN (O.S.)
Are you telling me the dog ate your
homework? Michael. There are no pets
allowed in the office.
MICHAEL
Ha! I'm just fooling with you. I, uh,
there's no dog.
ANGLE ON: DARRELL enters with a pit bull.
DARRELL
Meet Misty, everybody!
Misty starts BARKING at Dwight's ferret cage.
Dwight holds the cage up in a kung-fu pose.
BACK TO: Michael quickly hangs up the phone. Looks worried.
The phone RINGS.
Michael stares at it. Looks to Pam.
MICHAEL
Don't answer that.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
INT. OFFICE - BATHROOM - D1
Dwight stands in the stall. Looks to his right and sees Jim's
pet rock watching him.
INT. OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - D1
Getting coffee. Dwight sees Jim's pet rock staring from
behind a napkin rack.
INT. OFFICE - WAREHOUSE - D1
Dwight spies the pet rock amongst a pile of empty boxes.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
It's not easy to give them all the
same face. I spent four hours last
night painting rocks. Maybe that's why
Pam is mad at me.
INT. OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - D1
Michael approaches Jim.
MICHAEL
Jimbo.
JIM
What did we say about nicknames?
MICHAEL
Right. Not cool. You're right. I'm
sorry.
JIM
I'm kind of in the middle of this
sandwich Michael.
MICHAEL
Why aren't you eating with Pam?
JIM
She said she was busy.
ANGLE ON: Pam pushing away the goat as she sits at the
reception desk.
MICHAEL
Oh, I see. Look, I need you to grade
all of the employees in the branch.
JIM
I think you need to be a little more
specific.
MICHAEL
Ryan has asked me to assign a letter
grade to every employee in the
Scranton branch. It's some corporate
thing. You know how it is.
Phyllis enters.
JIM
Phyllis, today you get an A.
PHYLLIS
Thanks, Jim.
JIM
Think nothing of it. Michael has asked
me to grade everybody. I'm giving him
a B because of that tie.
Michael looks down at his tie.
MICHAEL
You can't give me a B. I'm the boss.
I'm an A. Always.
PHYLLIS
Are these the money grades?
MICHAEL
No. No money. Who told you that?
PHYLLIS
Pam did.
MICHAEL
Well, then, an F for Pam.
JIM
Not if I'm giving the grades.
MICHAEL
You have to be serious. Okay, it's
true. These grades will be used to
help determine raises in the next
fiscal year.
JIM
Ryan asked you to assign the grades. I
don't see how this is something I
should do.
MICHAEL
I already did it once with Toby.
JIM
Yet another person who isn't me.
MICHAEL
I can't go back to Toby. He'll lord it
over me in that smug way of his. I'm
assigning this task to you.
JIM
You should have Dwight do this. He
loves this sort of thing.
MICHAEL
You're my number two. Just remember,
everybody's raises depend on your
judgement.
Michael walks away.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Phyllis. Please try to keep this a
secret.
INT. OFFICE - D1
Andy taps his fish bowl. Dead again.
Meredith looks around to see if anybody is watching. She
takes the hamster out of its cage and places it in front of
the cat.
Jim enters.
Everybody crowds around him.
KELLY
Jim, you look so handsome today.
OSCAR
That's a really sharp tie.
Creed pulls at his tie and unbuttons his top button to look
more like Jim.
CREED
Yeah. That's a good look, buddy.
STANLEY hands him a Diet Coke.
STANLEY
I bought a Diet Coke instead of a
regular. I'd like you to have it.
Dwight looks suspicious.
DWIGHT
What is going on? Why are you all
being so nice to Jim?
PHYLLIS
We like Jim.
DWIGHT
Nobody likes anybody else here that
much and you all know it. Something's
up.
PHYLLIS
Michael put Jim in charge of giving
grades to the rest of the branch, and
those grades will determine our raises
this year.
DWIGHT
Michael would never put you in charge
of something so important. Besides, he
already asked me to do that. I flunked
everybody.
JIM
Guess he wanted a second opinion.
DWIGHT
I knew I shouldn't have gone to the
dojo for lunch.
Dwight rushes over to Michael's office.
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1
Dwight enters. Michael has a picture of a lion open on his
computer.
DWIGHT
Michael. I demand to know why you have
put Jim in charge of evaluating the
personnel here.
MICHAEL
Jim is my number two. I gave him the
assignment.
DWIGHT
I already keep a detailed file on all
employee misconduct. What was wrong
with my grades?
MICHAEL
You wanted me to fire everybody!
DWIGHT
Yes. So we can run this thing the
right way. You and me. We'll barricade
the doors and keep corporate out. We
can keep Pam and Angela around to
repopulate the office.
Michael briefly considers this.
MICHAEL
No. That's too complicated. And weird.
Jim will get this done.
DWIGHT
I don't agree with this decision.
MICHAEL
Well. No one asked you, and besides, I
make very good decisions.
ANGLE ON: Creed's Pigeon DIVE BOMBS Kelly coming out of the
bathroom.
INT. OFFICE - ACCOUNTING - D1
Kevin and Oscar punch numbers into their computers.
OSCAR
Hey, can I borrow your stapler?
KEVIN
Sure.
Kevin hands his stapler over and his and Oscar's hands touch
for a moment.
Oscar takes the stapler and goes about his business. Kevin
lets his hand linger in the air for a moment and keeps gazing
at Oscar.
OSCAR TALKING HEAD
OSCAR
Yes, I have noticed it. I keep hoping
that Kevin is just hungry and my head
reminds him of a jelly donut.
INT. OFFICE - FRONT DESK - D1
Jim and Pam talk.
JIM
This must be what it's like to be
famous.
PAM
You're having a good day now, Halpert.
JIM
I'm not sure how I'm going to do this.
All I know is that you're getting an
A. Maybe I can give Dwight an E just
to piss him off.
PAM
I don't care how you grade everybody
else, as long as you get an A.
JIM
I don't know if I can do that. Won't
everybody hate me if I give myself a
good grade?
PAM
Who cares. You need to start thinking
about the future.
JIM
Sure thing. I'll have the best grades
at Dunder-Mifflin Middle School.
PAM
I'm serious. This is a chance for you
to give yourself a little security.
Give us a little security.
JIM
What did that dentist do to make you
so serious today?
PAM
I just think it might be time for you
to grow up.
INT. OFFICE - ANNEX - D1
The goat walks by Toby's desk. Nuzzles him.
TOBY
Pam?
(sees the goat)
Oh.
The trainer hands him the goat's leash.
TRAINER
Hey, I'm going to take Kelly out to
lunch. Do you think you can watch Suzy
for me while I'm gone.
TOBY
Sure.
TRAINER
You're the bomb, dude.
TOBY
(to goat)
Hi, Suzy. My name's Toby.
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1
Jim enters and hands Michael a piece of paper.
MICHAEL
You gave everybody A's.
JIM
What can I say? This office rules. It
all starts at the top.
MICHAEL
That's a great idea.
He dials his speakerphone.
RYAN'S ASSISTANT (O.S.)
Ryan Howard's office.
MICHAEL
Michael Scott for Ryan.
RYAN'S ASSISTANT (O.S.)
I'm not supposed to put you through
unless you have grades.
Michael makes a face.
MICHAEL
I have grades.
RYAN'S ASSISTANT (O.S.)
Okay.
RYAN (O.S.)
This is Ryan.
MICHAEL
All A's.
RYAN (O.S.)
That's not possible.
MICHAEL
What can I say? It's great management.
Michael winks at Jim.
Jim gives him a thumbs up.
RYAN (O.S.)
No, Michael. That is terrible
management. Look, this shouldn't be so
hard.
MICHAEL
That's what she said.
He puts up a high five to Jim.
Jim shakes his head "no."
RYAN (O.S.)
You need to grade your employees on a
curve. Determine who the top
performers are, who is average and who
we need to put some pressure on to
perform.
He hangs up.
Michael throws his hands up. Walks out of his office.
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D1
Michael rounds up the troops.
MICHAEL
Conference room, everybody. We're
going to figure out everybody's
grades.
Everybody begrudgingly gets up and moves to the conference
room.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - D1
Everybody sits down, animals in tow. Dogs bark. Birds chirp.
MICHAEL
No. Pets outside.
PHYLLIS
We can't just leave our pets alone.
MICHAEL
Pam will watch them.
PAM
What about my grade?
MICHAEL
You get an A.
STANLEY
Why does she get an A?
MICHAEL
Pam is my rock. She helps me out every
day and this place couldn't run
without her.
Pam is taken aback.
PAM
Thanks, Michael.
MICHAEL
You're welcome. Make sure nobody poops
in my office.
And the moment is over.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Okay, we need to assign letter grades
to everybody in the office.
Dwight stands.
DWIGHT
We'll start with the weakest people
first. Meredith, why should I give you
more than a D?
The camera looks for Meredith. She's not in the room.
ANGLE ON: Meredith coming out of the kitchen putting a FLASK
into her purse. She looks around the empty office, sees the
animals and Pam. Shrugs and sits at her desk.
MICHAEL
Nobody's getting a D. We have to grade
on a curve, so that just means more As
a few Bs and one or two Cs.
STANLEY
That's not a curve. That's a slope.
MICHAEL
Really, Stanley? What do you know
about it.
STANLEY
I was a middle school math teacher
before I started selling paper.
MICHAEL
Really?
Stanley sighs.
STANLEY
Somebody else explain it to him.
Andy goes up to the whiteboard.
ANDY
I'm just going to take a stab at it.
They did teach us a few things at
Cornell.
He draws a curve on the board.
ANDY (CONT'D)
The basic principal is that most
people are average. So, you'll have a
few A's and B's, mostly C's and a few
D's and F's.
He continues making notes on the diagram.
ANDY (CONT'D)
Of course, you can also adapt it by
making the highest mark anybody scores
equal 100, and then adjust from there.
Bumping all lower grades up slightly.
Michael shakes his head.
MICHAEL
Why are you wasting my time? Show of
hands, who wants to be in the 'C'
group?
Nobody raises their hands.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Come on, people. You can see the
chart. Most of you are just average.
DWIGHT
They wish.
MICHAEL
There has to be a fair way to do this.
DWIGHT
We could base it on sales.
KELLY
That's totally not fair to those of us
who don't make sales.
PHYLLIS
Well, you aren't contributing as much
to the income of the office.
MICHAEL
Phyllis, your sales aren't that good,
anyway.
ANGELA
Why don't we award morality and base
it on who gets caught the least
stealing from the refrigerator.
She gives Kevin a dirty look.
MICHAEL
What if we did a random draw?
STANLEY
I always figured my raises were random
anyway.
KELLY
What if, like, we totally played a
game like Scattergories? That way,
there would be some skill involved.
KEVIN
I vote for poker.
OSCAR
This is silly. Why don't we just base
it off of our employee reviews? Isn't
there a scoring system in place there
already?
MICHAEL
That's no good. I threw out all of the
records when I was making room for the
new couch in my office.
OSCAR
You what!
PHYLLIS
Michael. Those are our permanent
records. We need those for the future.
MICHAEL
Don't be so dramatic. Nobody here has
a future.
Nobody argues his point.
INT. OFFICE - D1
The pit bull and the poodle start fighting with each other.
PAM
Oh my God!
ANGLE ON: Darrell argues with the animal trainer.
ANGLE ON: Kelly smiles.
Pam tries to stop the dogs from fighting.
Dwight charges in.
DWIGHT
Stay out of this, Pam. Let a
professional handle it.
He opens his ferret cage.
The ferret darts away from the two fighting dogs, knocking
over the parakeet cage and setting the bird free.
The parakeet and pigeon fly around.
The cat screeches.
The goat starts kicking at desks.
Mayhem in the office as everybody scrambles to contain their
pets.
The ferret attacks Pam and latches onto her shirt.
PAM
Get it off! Get it off me!
ANGLE ON: Jim bolts over to help her.
DWIGHT
Jim, be careful! He's a trained
killer!
Jim reaches Pam. Pulls the rodent away from her stuffs it in
a trash can and flips it over on top of Dwight's desk.
JIM
It's okay. I'm here. Did he bite you?
PAM
It bit my leg. I'm okay, though.
JIM
Come here.
Jim holds her. She grabs on to him.
Dwight looks into trash can.
DWIGHT
We need to get you more training.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
It's great to be one of the only
people in the world who has to get a
tetanus shot after pet day at the
office. Jim was my shining hero today,
though. He's a pretty good guy to have
around. I am very lucky.
She smiles.
INT. OFFICE - D1
Darrell comes over to Kevin and Oscar. They look down.
KEVIN
I guess they weren't really fighting.
The sounds of doggy love can be heard.
DARRELL
Yeah, he's a horny bastard.
OSCAR
Why aren't you stopping this?
KEVIN
I don't know. It's pretty funny.
OSCAR
Those two dogs together. It's
disgusting. It's unnatural.
Oscar walks away.
Kevin looks hurt.
Darrell stands next to him.
DARRELL
That's a cute poodle, man.
Kevin is happy again.
KEVIN
Thanks.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - D1
Toby walks up to a dejected Michael.
TOBY
Michael. I keep extra copies of
everybody's reviews.
MICHAEL
Of course, you would wait to tell me
now.
TOBY
You never asked me.
MICHAEL
You know, Toby. I shouldn't have to.
Never mind. What scores do people get?
TOBY
We keep everybody at a C or above, and
put upper management at the bottom.
MICHAEL
You mean I get an F?
TOBY
We both do.
MICHAEL
But, is yours lower?
TOBY
Sure.
MICHAEL
Okay, then.
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1
MICHAEL
You know, the whole idea was to find
out who the weakest link is. Of
course, as management, I'll always put
myself below my employees.
INT. OFFICE - BATHROOM - D1
Andy flushes the toilet and salutes his latest loss.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
Of course, Toby gets the lowest grade.
An F-minus-minus. I added the extra
minus just to make sure Ryan knows
he's the worst.
INT. OFFICE - ANNEX - D1
Toby and the goat stare at each other. He looks around for
the trainer, who is apparently gone.
TOBY
You want to go home with Toby?
The goat nuzzles Toby's hand.
TOBY (CONT'D)
Come along, then.
They walk out together.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
But you know what, the weakest link
needs to step up.
(beat)
And Toby really stepped it up today.
EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT 1
Jim and Pam stand beside his car.
PAM
I'm really sorry I was so mean today.
JIM
It's a good thing I convinced Dwight
to bring his rabid ferret into work.
Pam play slaps Jim.
JIM (CONT'D)
Hey. I'm here for you. Always. You got
that, Beasley?
PAM
Yeah. I got it.
She reaches into her coat pocket and pulls out a NEW PET
ROCK.
PAM (CONT'D)
I painted one that looks like you.
JIM
Is my nose really that big?
She puts another rock painted to look like her next to his on
her palm.
PAM
This one is me.
JIM
Those are some good looking rocks.
PAM
You think so?
JIM
Of course.
He smiles and leans in to kiss her.
She pulls away and pulls a smaller rock from her pocket. This
one is painted like a baby.
She places it with the other two rocks on her hand.
Jim looks from the rocks to Pam and back to the rocks.
END OF SHOW
|