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INT. GARAGE - DAY
Kids run around a neighborhood barbecue outside.
BOB shows off his garage to TED. Both men wear the required
khaki shorts and polo shirts of suburbia.
BOB
Welcome to the neighborhood, Ted.
TED
Thanks for showing me around, Bob.
Everybody says you've got the
best garage in town.
BOB
Oh, it's nothing that spectacular.
Ted looks around the extremely well organized wall of tools.
TED
Looks like you've got just about
everything here. Nail gun, miter
saw, trimming shears.
BOB
I'm kind of a neat freak.
Everything is in it's own place.
Gardening over here, household
repairs over here, car stuff
along that wall.
TED
You've even got drawers for all
the different screws and nail
sizes. What's in this one?
Ted starts to open a drawer.
BOB
That's where I keep my cock rings.
Ted closes the drawer abruptly.
BOB
Check this out.
He points to another area of the wall.
TED
Wow, is that the Miko-3000 power
saw? I didn't even think those
were out yet.
BOB
They're not. Jim down on Rosewood
works for the company. Hooked me
up with a test model.
TED
That's nice of him. Are you guys
pretty good friends?
BOB
Well, I let him sleep with my
wife last month, so he owed me a
solid. You like to work with wood?
TED
A little bit. Um, excuse me, but
did you say--
BOB
I'm not much of a carpenter
myself. Aside from a workbench
and the bondage rack in the
basement, I haven't done much. I
want to build a deck this summer,
though.
TED
The saw should be a big help.
Bob slaps Ted on the shoulder.
BOB
Well, I'm hoping for some help
from the neighbors, Ted. Don't
think you're getting out of it.
I'll already be owing a favor or
two to you.
Bob laughs in the friendly neighbor way.
Ted looks around nervously.
TED
Ha. Yeah...
Alice enters the garage.
ALICE
Bob, there you are.
She extends her hand to Ted.
ALICE
Welcome to the neighborhood. I'm
Bob's wife, Alice.
TED
Nice to meet you.
ALICE
I hope he's not boring you too much.
Alice playfully punches Bob in the stomach.
BOB
Just showing of my tools, honey.
Alice grabs Bob's crotch.
ALICE
Has he shown you the big tool yet?
TED
(horrified)
No!
Bob gives Alice sweet peck on the forehead.
BOB
My wife is such a kidder.
ALICE
Did you tell him about the plug?
BOB
I thought it was just our little
game today.
ALICE
Oh, it's no fun if nobody knows.
Alice holds up a remote control.
ALICE
I put a remote control vibrator
in Bob before the barbecue today.
She pushes the button. Bob jumps.
BOB
Hi-oh!
They laugh about it.
TED
I can't believe... why are you
telling me this?
ALICE
Oh, we had so much fun with this
at our daughter's dance recital
last March. Okay, I'm going to go
watch the kids. You boys stay out
of trouble.
BOB
She thinks I'm trouble. You
should see her in the kitchen.
Another playful punch from Alice. She holds up the remote.
ALICE
Careful buddy, or I'll give this
to Mrs. Watkins.
Alice leaves.
TED
Mrs. Watkins? She's got her grand
kids here visiting.
BOB
Great-grand kids, actually.
(sighs)
Yeah, she's a little firecracker,
still. We had her over for a
little role-playing thing we do
with the Wongs. Have you met the
Wongs?
TED
Mrs. Wong is my son's third-grade
teacher.
BOB
Oh, one of the best. And let me
tell you, Ted.
(whispers)
Those little asians can do it
for-ever.
TED
I can't believe you're telling me
this! This... this isn't a
conversation normal people have.
BOB
I'm sorry, am I getting boring? I
try to stay away from politics
and religion, you know you never
know what's going to offend people.
TED
Sorry. I guess I'm just a little
conservative.
Bob points outside.
BOB
Hey, looks like the wives have
met each other.
TED
Oh, no.
BOB
You know, you're wife's got a
great ass.
TED
God, what are they talking about.
BOB
Making trouble, I'm sure. Hey,
you want another beer?
TED
No, I'm good. I think I need to
get going.
Alice enters.
ALICE
Ted, glad you're still here. Your
wife is such a hoot!
TED
(nervous)
Uh huh.
ALICE
Honey. Tracy wanted to know if
her and Ted could borrow the
Black Night. I've been telling
her all about it.
BOB
Hey, what are neighbors for?
ALICE
Great!
She opens a drawer next to the 'cock ring' drawer. Pulls out
a large black strap-on harness and dildo.
She hands it over to a petrified Ted.
ALICE
You'd better get going, mister.
We're going to watch your kids.
(playful concern)
And, that wife of yours seemed
awfully angry.
TED
Oh god. Oh my god.
BOB
You can return that whenever, Ted.
We just got a new thing.
ALICE
Go, shoo.
Ted staggers out of the garage.
BOB
Hey, buddy. Don't forget: Soap
and warm water.
He points and makes the "click-click" noise. Puts an arm
around Alice and they look like the perfect suburban couple.
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