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Published:
1/17/05

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Friendly Neighbor

By H.G. Miller

INT. GARAGE - DAY

Kids run around a neighborhood barbecue outside.

BOB shows off his garage to TED. Both men wear the required
khaki shorts and polo shirts of suburbia.

                         BOB
             Welcome to the neighborhood, Ted.

                         TED
             Thanks for showing me around, Bob.
             Everybody says you've got the
             best garage in town.

                         BOB
             Oh, it's nothing that spectacular.

Ted looks around the extremely well organized wall of tools.

                         TED
             Looks like you've got just about
             everything here. Nail gun, miter
             saw, trimming shears.

                         BOB
             I'm kind of a neat freak.
             Everything is in it's own place.
             Gardening over here, household
             repairs over here, car stuff
             along that wall.

                         TED
             You've even got drawers for all
             the different screws and nail
             sizes. What's in this one?

Ted starts to open a drawer.

                         BOB
             That's where I keep my cock rings.

Ted closes the drawer abruptly.

                         BOB
             Check this out.

He points to another area of the wall.

                         TED
             Wow, is that the Miko-3000 power
             saw? I didn't even think those
             were out yet.

                         BOB
             They're not. Jim down on Rosewood
             works for the company. Hooked me
             up with a test model.

                         TED
             That's nice of him. Are you guys
             pretty good friends?

                         BOB
             Well, I let him sleep with my
             wife last month, so he owed me a
             solid. You like to work with wood?

                         TED
             A little bit. Um, excuse me, but
             did you say--

                         BOB
             I'm not much of a carpenter
             myself. Aside from a workbench
             and the bondage rack in the
             basement, I haven't done much. I
             want to build a deck this summer,
             though.

                         TED
             The saw should be a big help.

Bob slaps Ted on the shoulder.

                         BOB
             Well, I'm hoping for some help
             from the neighbors, Ted. Don't
             think you're getting out of it.
             I'll already be owing a favor or
             two to you.

Bob laughs in the friendly neighbor way.

Ted looks around nervously.

                         TED
             Ha. Yeah...

Alice enters the garage.

                         ALICE
             Bob, there you are.

She extends her hand to Ted.

                         ALICE
             Welcome to the neighborhood. I'm
             Bob's wife, Alice.

                         TED
             Nice to meet you.

                         ALICE
             I hope he's not boring you too much.

Alice playfully punches Bob in the stomach.

                         BOB
             Just showing of my tools, honey.

Alice grabs Bob's crotch.

                         ALICE
             Has he shown you the big tool yet?

                         TED
                  (horrified)
             No!

Bob gives Alice sweet peck on the forehead.

                         BOB
             My wife is such a kidder.

                         ALICE
             Did you tell him about the plug?

                         BOB
             I thought it was just our little
             game today.

                         ALICE
             Oh, it's no fun if nobody knows.

Alice holds up a remote control.

                         ALICE
             I put a remote control vibrator
             in Bob before the barbecue today.

She pushes the button. Bob jumps.

                         BOB
             Hi-oh!

They laugh about it.

                         TED
             I can't believe... why are you
             telling me this?

                         ALICE
             Oh, we had so much fun with this
             at our daughter's dance recital
             last March. Okay, I'm going to go
             watch the kids. You boys stay out
             of trouble.

                         BOB
             She thinks I'm trouble. You
             should see her in the kitchen.

Another playful punch from Alice. She holds up the remote.

                         ALICE
             Careful buddy, or I'll give this
             to Mrs. Watkins.

Alice leaves.

                         TED
             Mrs. Watkins? She's got her grand
             kids here visiting.

                         BOB
             Great-grand kids, actually.
                  (sighs)
             Yeah, she's a little firecracker,
             still. We had her over for a
             little role-playing thing we do
             with the Wongs. Have you met the
             Wongs?

                         TED
             Mrs. Wong is my son's third-grade
             teacher.

                         BOB
             Oh, one of the best. And let me
             tell you, Ted.
                  (whispers)
             Those little asians can do it
             for-ever.

                         TED
             I can't believe you're telling me
             this! This... this isn't a
             conversation normal people have.

                         BOB
             I'm sorry, am I getting boring? I
             try to stay away from politics
             and religion, you know you never
             know what's going to offend people.

                         TED
             Sorry. I guess I'm just a little
             conservative.

Bob points outside.

                         BOB
             Hey, looks like the wives have
             met each other.

                         TED
             Oh, no.

                         BOB
             You know, you're wife's got a
             great ass.

                         TED
             God, what are they talking about.

                         BOB
             Making trouble, I'm sure. Hey,
             you want another beer?

                         TED
             No, I'm good. I think I need to
             get going.

Alice enters.

                         ALICE
             Ted, glad you're still here. Your
             wife is such a hoot!

                         TED
                  (nervous)
             Uh huh.

                         ALICE
             Honey. Tracy wanted to know if
             her and Ted could borrow the
             Black Night. I've been telling
             her all about it.

                         BOB
             Hey, what are neighbors for?
 
                         ALICE
             Great!

She opens a drawer next to the 'cock ring' drawer. Pulls out
a large black strap-on harness and dildo.

She hands it over to a petrified Ted.

                         ALICE
             You'd better get going, mister.
             We're going to watch your kids.
                  (playful concern)
             And, that wife of yours seemed
             awfully angry.

                         TED
             Oh god. Oh my god.

                         BOB
             You can return that whenever, Ted.
             We just got a new thing.

                         ALICE
             Go, shoo.

Ted staggers out of the garage.

                         BOB
             Hey, buddy. Don't forget: Soap
             and warm water.

He points and makes the "click-click" noise. Puts an arm
around Alice and they look like the perfect suburban couple.