Intervention
By H.G. Miller
LIGHTS UP
DAN sits in a chair, TV remote in hand. A bag of
chips and a beer bottle at his side.
ED enters. He paces frantically about the stage.
ED
Dan, I've decided to hold an
intervention.
DAN
Good for you. Get out of the way.
I'm watching the game.
ED
I mean it. This is for your own
good.
DAN
My own good? The intervention is
for me?
ED
Yes.
DAN
Aren't there supposed to be a
bunch of my friends and family
here, then?
ED
Everybody was busy.
DAN
Probably watching the game.
ED
Dammit, this is important. I think
you've got a serious problem and
it's time we talked about it.
DAN
Ed. You're crazy. What are you
talking about?
Ed holds up an ORIGAMI CRANE.
ED
I'm talking about this.
DAN
Where did you get that?
ED
Where do you think? I found it in
the cupboard.
DAN
So, I made an origami crane. It's
not big deal.
ED
I found this, a couple of penguins
and a frog.
DAN
I had a long day and needed to
take my mind off of things. So I
made a few origami animals. It's
no big deal.
ED
I know this is hard to hear.
DAN
This is stupid. That's what this
is. It's my life, you know. I can
do what I want with it. If I'm not
hurting anybody.
ED
You're hurting me, Dan. I wanted
to eat some beans. Which can had
the beans? I don't know!
DAN
So, you couldn't do your stupid
Atkins diet. I don't care.
ED
I'm your best friend, Dan. You
should care about that. Look at
this.
He holds up another ORIGAMI BIRD.
DAN
The whooping crane. That was a
good one. Look how even the wings
are.
ED
Dammit, Dan, your Origami
obsession has gone too far. This
is my birth certificate, man.
DAN
It was just laying there. So flat
and clean.
ED
Yeah. I needed it to get a
passport for my trip to Europe. I
took this in and now I'm on some
kind of watch list.
DAN
Look, Origami has been practiced
safely for years. It's perfectly
natural and I just do it to relax.
ED
Can't you just take valium or
something?
DAN
I spent nine months in rehab for
my painkiller addiction and you
want me to get back on pills?
ED
I want to know what food is in the
cupboard. You've taken the labels
off of everything. Look, you're
doing it now.
Dan has peeled the label from the bottle and begun
folding it.
DAN
Why are you so concerned with
labels? You're such a brand whore.
ED
Don't call me names, you junkie.
All of this origami is going to
get you hurt. Do you fold and
drive?
DAN
Never!
ED
Never? What about the other night
at the bar?
DAN
I was almost completely done with
that duck. I just needed to finish
off a radial pleat on the bill. I
was done before I got out of the
parking lot.
ED
You hit two cars in the lot! One
of them belonged to the girl I was
talking too.
DAN
Oh, like I ruined your chances
with those pathetic pick up lines
you use.
ED
You're trashing my lines? You
know, it would be a lot easier to
pick up a girl if I didn't have to
pretend you were my autistic
little brother who folds little
ducks as a way of communicating. I
mea
ED
n, what happened? You used to be
the best wingman?
DAN
Yeah, well I used to drink too
much.
ED
You're drinking now.
DAN
I'm drinking one. If I peel off
the label and fold a bird out of
it, then I keep myself from
getting drunk and belligerent.
Like that time I hit on your mom.
ED
I knew there was something else I
wanted to talk to you about.