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INT. MAIN CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT Another company holiday party is underway. Awkward hugs, half-hearted handshakes and excruciatingly mundane conversations dominate the room. BOB, he of the average American lifestyle, has spent the evening lying about the non-stop excitement that is his life outside of account services here at the office. Having emptied his soul of any remaining dignity, Bob decides he's going to play it straight-up-honest during his next conversation. DAVE, just about any Dave, is the unfortunate soul who bumps into Bob next. DAVE Hey, Bob. What you been up to? BOB Just standing here. Drinking. DAVE Right on. Kick-ass party. Dave raises his glass. Tips back a few gulps. Bob elects to not respond. DAVE So. What else you been up to? What's a wild man like you do when you get outside of these walls? BOB Nothing much. Just sit around and watch TV, most of the time. DAVE Really? BOB Yep. Dave is thrown off by Bob's honesty. He tries the sleaze tactic. DAVE What about the ladies? Got anything going on there? BOB Nope. They don't really come by. DAVE Come by? BOB The house. You know. When I'm watching TV. I don't think any girls know I'm there. DAVE Well. I meant... you know, going out. When you're not watching TV. BOB Oh. I'm usually online then. DAVE The internet? BOB Looking at porn. Lots of ladies there. Bob does his best sleazy elbow tap. Takes a swig of his drink. DAVE You don't leave the house, ever? BOB Not ever. I mean, I come here. Then, there's the time I'm in traffic. Or the grocery store. I'm probably there at least once a week. DAVE Dude. We gotta get you out of the house. BOB Why? DAVE You need to be living, man. What are you, thirty-two? BOB Twenty-six. DAVE No shit? BOB No shit, Dave. DAVE Why don't you come out to the next happy hour, man? BOB Nah. I've tried that. Turns out I spend most of the night buying overpriced drinks, trying to talk to girls who can't ever imagine themselves sleeping with me, and going home alone, same as I would have otherwise. DAVE Well, er... social interaction, though. I mean, that's the fun part of life. BOB Are you having fun right now, Dave? DAVE Well, no, Bob. But, honestly, you're not helping. BOB I'm just trying to be honest, man. I've spent the whole night talking about my writing, going out to bars and eating at fancy restaurants whenever I get the chance. I mean, sure, I'll do these things sometimes, but most of my life is spent eating in front of the television, or playing with myself in front of the computer. Ninety-percent of our lives are spent wishing we lived like somebody else. I'm tired of talking about that person. I want to talk about me. Dave eyes Bob nervously. Takes a few more sips from his drink. DAVE Ninety-percent? BOB Give or take. I haven't done a detailed survey or anything. I mean, how exciting is your life, reallY? Dave thinks about it. Begins to speak. Chokes up. Starts crying. DAVE It's horrible. I'm so bored all the time. Even when I'm out... I'm just... so bored... His blubbering becomes embarrassing. Bob looks around nervously. Maybe the honesty trip wasn't such a great idea. Dave throws his arms around Bob. Bob tries to console him. Other office mates begin to watch with perplexion. JUDY, that girl, comes over. JUDY Is everything okay? Dave throws his hands up. DAVE It's a lie! My whole life is one big lie! He turns and runs out of the office. Stunned silence follows. JUDY What was that all about? Bob takes a sip of his drink. BOB Got me. You know, it reminds me of this crazy guy we see out all the time. I mean, every bar I go to on the strip, this nutso has to interrupt me right as I'm about to use my best line on some cute young thing. Judy smiles and mock waves Bob away. JUDY Oh, Bob. You're too much. |