Grim Peeper
By H.G. Miller
LIGHTS UP
CHUCK and NANCY enter a party. People mingle about making small talk.
NANCY
That valet driver was so rude.
CHUCK
Don't worry. He'll get what's
coming to him.
NANCY
Oh, you don't have to start a
fight for me.
CHUCK
I won't. He's going to steal a
tricked-out Honda Civic and be
fatally wounded by several attack
dogs after a three hour car chase.
Nancy sighs.
NANCY
Oh, yes. I forget about your
special gift.
CHUCK
I can't help it, baby. I like
knowing how people will die.
NANCY
Can't you just use it for good and
not idle revenge?
CHUCK
Hey, I only know how people die. I
can't do anything about it.
(irritated)
You know that.
MARY walks up.
NANCY
Chuck, let me introduce you to my
friend, Mary. This is her birthday
party.
CHUCK
Wow, you must smoke a lot.
MARY
What are you talking about? I quit
last month.
CHUCK
Hmm. A little too late, I think.
Do you have any savings?
NANCY
Honey, this is rude.
MARY
(nervous)
A few mutual funds and my 401k.
Why are you asking me this?
CHUCK
I'd take it all out, quit your job
and get busy living.
NANCY
Chuck. She's my friend!
CHUCK
That's why I'm telling her this.
Lung cancer doesn't go away. Don't
you want her to have fun?
MARY
What is he talking about?
NANCY
Nothing. Excuse me.
Nancy drags Chuck away.
NANCY
Will you cool it? These are my
friends. I don't want the whole
evening ruined by this morbid
stuff.
CHUCK
Okay. I'm sorry. I'll try to talk
about sports or something.
NANCY
Thank you. -- Oh, that's Dave,
from my office. He's one of the
people reviewing me for my
promotion. I want to make a good
impression.
CHUCK
I wouldn't worry about it.
NANCY
No! You're kidding, right?
CHUCK
Pancreatitis. Poor guy.
NANCY
Dammit. I've spent six months
buttering him up. I wish you
wouldn't tell me these things.
CHUCK
I'm just saying he won't be around
long. Doesn't mean he won't make
it to your review.
Nancy gives Chuck a look.
CHUCK
Okay, he probably won't. Look, I'm
trying.
NANCY
I'm getting a drink.
Nancy leaves.
Dave walks up to Chuck.
DAVE
Hey, there. You know Nancy?
CHUCK
I'm her boyfriend, Chuck.
DAVE
Right. I've heard a lot about you.
I'm Dave. I work with Nancy.
CHUCK
Yeah. She says great things about
you.
DAVE
Aw, what a sweetheart. So, what do
you do, Chuck?
CHUCK
Um. Nothing important. How do you
think the Cubs are gonna be this
year?
DAVE
Ooh. I don't know about trading
Sammy. He was always a favorite of
mine. You know, sometimes I think
they won't ever win the Series in
my lifetime.
Chuck nods uncomfortably for a few moments.
CHUCK
Yeah. You're probably right. I
need to go the restroom.
Chuck moves to a snack table across the room.
A long-haired MAN comes up next to him.
MAN
Evening, friend.
CHUCK
Howdy.
MAN
Don't you just love these things?
I can't get enough of people
getting wasted and turning all
honest with one another.
Chuck looks over the man.
CHUCK
Yeah, great. I, um, excuse me.
Chuck turns the man to face him directly.
CHUCK
Wow. I can't tell.
MAN
What do you mean?
Chuck squints hard.
CHUCK
Jesus?
MAN
No. No I'm not.
CHUCK
Yes, you are. I've seen your
picture. I'm Chuck Warner. Your
father came to me in a vision in
the woods one night and gave me
special powers.
MAN
Aw, man. Which one are you?
CHUCK
I can tell how people die.
MAN
Man, I hate it when Dad gets
drunk.
CHUCK
I can't believe you're here. Why
are you here?
MAN (JESUS)
I don't know. Sometimes I just get
bored. It's fun to come down and
mingle with the real people.
CHUCK
Really? I can't stand it
sometimes. I hate knowing so much.
MAN (JESUS)
Dude, you don't know the half of
it.
CHUCK
I guess you're right.
MAN (JESUS)
Hey, you want to get out of here
and have some real fun?
CHUCK
Sure.
MAN (JESUS)
Come on. I want to implant an idea
in the mind of that prick of a
parking attendant.
CHUCK
The Civic?
MAN (JESUS)
You like?
CHUCK
Classic.