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Starr´s report not hot but can be entertaining

By H.G. Miller

hgmillerSo, I was cruising the Internet looking for porn the other night, when I came across a link that read “Hot News” (in the appropriate shade of red, of course). Upon clicking the link, I was brought to the complete text of Kenneth Starr´s report to Congress.

Hot stuff indeed.

Anyway, I´m reading the “report” and taking notes, it occurs to me that my editor always asks for more columns about newsworthy political items.

However, I was not sure a detailed account of exactly how President Clinton put the moves on Monica Lewinsky would be considered a journalistic priority until I saw that the Kansas City Star, and many other major newspapers across the country, had published the findings.

“Well,” I thought to myself, “if this is political journalism, I can handle it.”

I only wish there had been some pictures to go with the text. What about some personal commentary from Clinton? You know, chatting about his encounters the next day by the water cooler:

“Sure, I didn´t think a whole lot was going to happen. We didn´t know each other that well and had only talked briefly over a slice of pizza, but I gave her some line about `acknowledging that there was a chemistry between us,´ and she went for it.”


“So, we´re kissing, right? Okay, I´m cool with it, and then — get this — she asks me to `stimulate (her) manually in the genital area.´ Whoa! Such naughty talk from such a nice girl.”

It just seems to me that Starr could have found a more tasteful way of informing Congress that Clinton fooled around.

Should one seek good erotic literature (wink, wink), I would not recommend the Starr Report. Rather, I see the independent counsel´s text to be more along the lines of a poorly developed romance novel.

Sure, there´s plenty of kissing, breast fondling and oral sex to keep the average reader´s interest, but let´s be honest, the setting is a little lax. Who wants to read about repeated rendezvous in somebody´s office? Airplanes, faraway islands, lonely highway roads — these are the standard settings to which today´s erotica must adhere.

If I´m reading trashy erotica, I want sex, and I want it early. None of this dilly-dally with oral pleasure and manual stimulation without orgasm. I found it highly unbelievable that there could be nine rendezvous before any stains were made.

Bonus points for the kink factor, though. Not only was the cigar scene intriguing, but the use of telephones as an aphrodisiac really excited me.

Although I understand the need to keep the story simple, one would expect the president character to have more resources available for his private meetings.

Additionally, the story falls into the same plot traps as most romantic works do. Of course, I can see the need for some animosity between the two characters.

I commend the use of trust, or the lack thereof, as a deterrent to any early climactic encounters, but I do believe they waited too long to finally consummate their relationship.

Overall, I´d rate Kenneth “Sticky Fingers” Starr´s report as a mediocre rendition of an overdone love story, with no good focus and a bummer of an ending.

Of course, he was supposed to be creating a case for impeachment. You know, providing the public with a document worthy of political discussion and journalistic coverage.

I guess the standards for congressional reports have lowered during the years. All I really know is that I need to get an agent, because for $4 million, I can write smut much better than Starr.

H. G. Miller is a Hutchinson senior majoring in English.



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