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Kansan offers humor during dull lectures

Miller is a Hutchinson senior in English

 Hey, are you in class right now?

Tsk, tsk, you naughty student. Shh! Quiet when you´re folding the pages back like that. We wouldn´t want the teacher to notice now, would we? Ahh, but he's not going to notice. You´re in a lecture class, right? Just a cozy little arrangement with you and 450 of your closest friends.

Hey, I know how it is. It´s the first week of school, and you´ve only shown up to find out when the final is. Just hang in there, and I´ll talk you through it.

You are not alone. Look around, Kansans are strewn across the floor like so many dead leaves in the wake of a storm. Yes, it´s good to know that my livelihood means so little to so many, but I take solace in the fact that at least somebody has looked through the paper before tossing it away.

So, let me ask you something. What´s that guy's name? The one up there in front waving his arms around and acting so important. The teacher. Yeah, him. What´s his name? I´ll bet he doesn´t know yours. Look, we all know that to him you´re just one more bored face staring blankly at the bricks behind the chalkboard, while he rattles off the same list of facts he´s been extolling to students for 20 years and wishes he had some bourbon nearby.

Is he looking right at you? Better nod, quick. Smile, I think he just made a joke. Okay, back to me now. Don´t let education get in the way of proper journalistic distraction.

And stop looking at your watch. You should know that time moves exponentially slower the more often you check your wrist. No, the wall clock isn´t going any faster, but I know you checked it. It´s OK, we all have dreams.

Jokes, now. You want something funny, or you´ll toss me on the floor and start reading the desk graffiti, right? Come on, what do some Greek letters and misspelled band names have to offer that I can´t give you? Maybe you´re lucky and somebody etched out a spot of poetry to be preserved for eternity. Most likely something lewd, rhyming with the word luck and referencing some girl´s cat. Just another gentle reminder that this is college and a large part of America´s bright future.

But wait, the professor´s trying something different now. He´s climbed a few steps and looks around for somebody without a hand print on their forehead. Yup, it´s the old “class interaction” bit. One of my favorites. This is the time when 450 students get to vicariously experience discussion with the teacher through some poor unfortunate soul who´s paying even less attention than you.

OK, looks like he gave up. It´s the start of the semester and already nobody cares about his infinite wisdom. The heck with the bourbon, I think he´s looking for a shotgun now. You know, somebody should remind the professor that it is an active tie-mic he´s wearing. (I don't know why you wore the brown shoes, sir.)

He's saying something now. Something about an assignment, what's going to be discussed next week. Some sort of information you need to have from the book. I guess he wants you to read it. Why? You bought the thing; isn't that enough?

Man, will this ever end? Yes, I guess so. A mere four months of skipping this class and then a nice long summer to explain to your parents just how academic probation works.

It appears he's finally wrapping things up. A short summary to demonstrate that all of this wonderful information could have been taken care of in about a minute and a half. Oh well, I hope that the last hour has epitomized the college experience and validated the money you (or somebody who loves you) spent for this access to quality higher education.

Just remember, I'm here if you need me. When his little anecdotes become tiresome, or the overhead projector begins acting up again, you can always turn to the wonderful opinion page for a healthy dose of literature with absolutely no academic importance.



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